The Onion: Voice Of God Revealed To Be Cheney On Intercom

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The Onion Weekly Dispatch - 7 December 2005

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Wed, 7 Dec 2005 08:59:52 -0800 (PST)

 

 

 

 

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/43189

 

 

 

The Onion

 

 

Voice Of God Revealed To Be Cheney On Intercom

 

December 7, 2005 | Issue 41•49

 

WASHINGTON, DC—Telephone logs recorded by the National Security Agency

and obtained by Congress as part of an ongoing investigation suggest

that the vice president may have used the Oval Office intercom system

to address President Bush at crucial moments, giving categorical

directives in a voice the president believed to be that of God.

Voice Of God Revealed To Be Cheney On Intercom

 

President Bush sits at his desk in the Oval Office, where he received

messages from an intercom voice identifying itself as " God " and

thought to have been Vice President Cheney (below).

 

While journalists and presidential historians had long noted Bush's

deep faith and Cheney's powerful influence in the White House, few had

drawn a direct correlation between the two until Tuesday, when

transcripts of meetings that took place in March and April of 2002

became available.

 

In a transcript of an intercom exchange recorded in March 2002, a

voice positively identified as the vice president's identifies himself

as " the Lord thy God " and promotes the invasion of Iraq, as well as

the use of torture in prisoner interrogations.

 

A close examination of Bush's public statements and Secret Service

time logs tracking the vice president reveals a consistent pattern,

one which links Bush's belief that he had received word from God with

Cheney's use of the White House's telephone-based intercom system.

 

Officials privately acknowledged that there is reason to believe that

the vice president, as God, urged Bush to sign legislation benefiting

oil companies in 2005.

 

" There's a lot of religious zeal in the West Wing, " said a former

White House staffer who spoke on the condition of anonymity. " It's

possible that the vice president has taken advantage of that to

fast-track certain administration objectives. "

 

An ex-Treasury Department official and longtime friend of Cheney was

asked to comment on the vice president's possible subterfuge. " I don't

know. I certainly don't think it's something [Cheney] planned, " he

said. " I do know that Mr. Bush was unfamiliar with a phone-based

intercom, and I suppose it is possible that Dick took advantage of that. "

 

A highly placed NSA official who has reviewed the information released

Tuesday said Cheney masked his clipped monotone, employing a deeper,

booming voice.

Voice Of God Revealed To Be Cheney On Intercom

 

Vice President Cheney.

 

Said the NSA source: " It sounded as though the speaker, who identified

himself as God, stood away from the intercom to create an echo effect. "

 

On Capitol Hill, sources are expressing surprise that Cheney, a vice

president with more influence than any other in U.S. history, would

have resorted to such deception.

 

" The vice president has a lot of sway in this administration, " said a

former White House aide. " But perhaps when President Bush was

particularly resolute and resistant to mortal persuasion, the vice

president chose to quickly resolve disputes in his favor with a

half-decent God impression. "

 

For many, the revelation explains Bush's confusion in the wake of

Hurricane Katrina.

 

" I was very surprised by the president's slow response in New

Orleans, " political commentator Bill Kristol said. " The president told

me that he was praying every day in his office, but had received no

reply. I had no idea what he meant, but of course, it all makes sense

now. "

 

At the time of Katrina, Cheney was on a fly-fishing trip, from which

he returned on Sept. 1.

 

According to highly placed White House sources, Bush's senior advisers

are trying to shield the president from the news. Aides are concerned

that too harsh an awakening might shake Bush's faith, which has been a

central part of his life for nearly 20 years.

 

" It's hard to tell the leader of the free world that he has been the

butt of an elaborate and long-term ruse, " a former staffer said.

" Maybe it would be easier to take if it came from Cheney's God voice. "

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