WORLD ACCORDING TO GEORGE W. GUMP

[Guest guest]

the George that couldn't have done more damage had he been a KGB

plant or the Manchurian candidate

http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5744,17064889

%255E12272,00.html

 

 

World according to George W. Gump

 

November 05, 2005

AS you know, I always follow my mother's advice and avoid discussing

religion or politics. Better to stick with my weekly recipes ( " how to

make nourishing muesli from grass clippings " ) and interior decoration

ideas ( " replace stodgy old wallpapers with your teenagers'

graffiti " ). Hence my reputation, and short jail sentence, as

Australia's Martha Stewart.

 

However, on this one rare occasion, I feel entitled to say a few

words about George W. Bush. " Told you so!! " And " Nyah nyah ne nyah

nyah!!!! "

 

George Bush? The US would have been better off with the ukulele-

strumming George Formby. Or Mad King George. Or George Wallace Jr

who, on Inauguration Day, could have wowed the crowd with his schtick

of dragging a boiled crayfish behind him on a piece of string. Or

even Gorgeous George, the Liberace-style professional wrestler.

Instead they elected the one George that raises one's gorge, the

George that couldn't have done more damage had he been a KGB plant or

the Manchurian candidate.

 

For years fellow columnists and the PM have been telling us the sun

shines from his presidential posterior, that despite his imper-son-

ation of Forrest Gump imitating Jerry Lewis doing a parody of John

Wayne, George was a political genius. While I've been suggesting that

the bloke is, at best, a failed experiment in genetic engineering or

a malfunctioning audio-animatronic robot that escaped from Disney

World in his brother's state of Florida. And my reward for these

helpful warnings? Accusations of political bias.

 

So here's a brief listing of the president's greatest hits, proof

positive that America's George II is even madder than England's

George III.

 

George's response to 9/II? He invades Afghanistan to terminate with

extreme prejudice bin Laden and punish the Taliban. Bin who? He

hasn't bin seen lately. The Taliban? They've withdrawn a few

kilometres and the war lords, whose brutality and corruption made the

Taliban welcome in the first place, are now back in the saddle.

They're showing their gratitude to George by once more producing 80

per cent of the world's heroin.

 

Confusing Iraq with Iran (or possibly Syria) and confusing Saddam

Hussein with bin Laden, George demolishes pretty much an entire

nation. In further confusion, he mistakes palm trees for nuclear

missiles and camels and donkeys for biological and chemical weapons.

This leads to the deaths of 100,000 innocent Iraqis who had

absolutely nothing to do with the attacks on the World Trade Center.

George's war also involves the deaths of 2000 young Americans and

tips the Iraqis into a civil war that will go on and bloodily on for

decades. George further destabilises the world's most dangerous

region and persuades a new generation to choose suicide bombing as a

career.

 

And while his offsider Dick Cheney promises the invasion of Iraq

would see oil drop to just 20 bucks a barrel, the Iraqis are now

importing petrol ? and the price has nudged $US70.

 

While the war makes the Bushes best friends with the Blairs and the

Howards, it turns the rest of the world against him. From being

surrounded with goodwill and sympathy after 9/11, the Americans find

themselves feared and isolated. And that's for starters.

 

Checklist: Bush maintains Saddam's policies at the local jail, tears

up the Geneva Convention at Guantanamo Bay, threatens to veto John

McCain's bill condemning the US's cruel and degrading treatment of

prisoners – which also forbids further use of torture in

interrogation. He reverses the US's proud progress on human rights

under the guise of " homeland defence " and thumbs-downs the

International War Crimes Tribunal.

 

Obedient to his allies in the coal industry, Bush refuses to sign

Kyoto, demolishes legislation that gave some protection to America's

air and water, ignores reports urging the urgent repair of the

wetlands around New Orleans, makes a fool of the administration by

buckling to Bible-belt bigotry on issues from Terri Schiavo to stem

cell research, threatens UN agencies and NGOs with cessation of

funding if they breathe a word about abortion or contraception to

desperate women in Third World countries – and agrees with the

Pentecostal/Vatican lobby in opposing condoms for millions of

Africans doomed by the AIDS pan-demic. Yet George has the nerve to

condemn Islamic fundamentalism.

 

Then there are small problems such as his ongoing attacks on the

American poor, combined with his endless generosity to the top 1 per

cent of income earners. Bush is in the process of ending capital

gains tax, which will lead to the biggest transfer of wealth to the

wealthy in US history. This amounts to a bigger drain on the nation's

kitty than the Iraq fiasco ? and it will go on every day forever.

 

Next week: Why gamboge is the colour for your drapes and cushions and

101 delicious meals using GM ingredients.