Guest guest Posted October 23, 2005 Report Share Posted October 23, 2005 S Sun, 23 Oct 2005 11:33:36 -0700 Subject:] Late night jokes, for a week! At the trial Saddam insisted he is still president, he is still in charge, despite the fact that his people disapprove of him and his top assistants are all in jail or going to jail. No, I'm sorry, that's President Bush. " --Jay Leno " Saddam Hussein's trial started yesterday, were you folks aware of that? In court he was stubborn and he was defiant. Stubborn and defiant in insisting that he's still the president. You know, sorta like Bush. " --David Letterman " Saddam Hussein's trial began today, and during the proceedings, Saddam refused to identify himself. Luckily, everyone recognized him from that time he ran the country for 25 years. The trial was televised live throughout Iraq. Yeah, Iraqis were glued to their TV sets, mainly because years ago, Saddam had them glued to their TV sets. " --Conan O'Brien " Saddam's trial, the TV event of the year. It's like the Oscars, but with atrocities. " --Stephen Colbert " Saddam Hussein went on trial today. See, I didn't even know he worked in the Bush White House. " --Jay Leno " There are rumors circulating that because of the CIA leak investigation, Vice President Dick Cheney would resign and Condoleezza Rice will take his place. Due to the complex nature of the arrangement, it had to be explained to the President using puppets. " --Jay Leno " As you know, President Bush's approval rating at its lowest number ever. It's gotten so bad that even Harriet Miers is refusing to take his phone calls. " --Jay Leno " Give you an idea about how bad George Bush's approval rating is, more people approve of the job I'm doing. And you know, Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers, this is a strange, fascinating woman. This woman refuses to talk about herself. Will not talk about herself, and I'm thinking to myself, hell, where do I find a woman like that? " --David Letterman " US News and World Report put out a breaking news flash that rumors are flying Vice President Dick Cheney might resign. Who's going to be president now? " --Jay Leno " The results from the Iraqi election are coming in and the Sunnis are claiming that the election was rigged. So looks like they got an American-style democracy after all. " --David Letterman " You know Saddam Hussein goes on trial tomorrow, he's on trial. He's accused of 143 murders. But Saddam did get a break today when the prosecution dropped the two counts of stealing satellite TV. " --David Letterman " Saddam is the first ruthless cold blooded dictator to be on trial since…that's right, Martha Stewart. " --David Letterman " Homeland Security secretary Michael Chertoff announced he planned to expel every illegal immigrant in the United States. Boy, more bad news for the New York Yankees. " --Jay Leno " Over the weekend in Iraq, they arrested the Al Qaeda barber. That's right. That's not like a nickname, he was actually the barber. It's an enormous breakthrough, and now we have a lead on Osama bin Laden's aromatherapist. " --David Letterman " Here's a reminder to Iraq: The crooked voting machines are due back in Florida by Friday. " --David Letterman " Over the weekend at one of the games, Houston and St. Louis, one of the camera men caught former President Bush and his wife Barbara Bush kissing. You know, by god, you know you're at a dull game when you'd rather make out with Barbara Bush. " --David Letterman " Karl Rove testified in front of the grand jury for the fourth time. This is the fourth time in front of the grand jury. In fact this time he had to give his testimony standing up. See the first three times he lied his ass off, so he had to stand up. " --Jay Leno " According to the latest polls, just 39% of Americans approve of the job Bush is doing. The White House is jumping on this 39% thing, they're saying he's now the president who represents minorities. " --Jay Leno " For a contribution of $2500 you can sit next to Hillary Clinton at a U2 concert. What could be more fun than going to a rock concert with Hillary Clinton, except maybe going to a disco with Al Gore. " --Jay Leno " The first baby has been born in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Yeah, they named it FEMA because it finally showed up after nine months. " --Jay Leno " President Bush has declared a War on Pornography. Boy, I can't wait for those playing cards to come out. Hey, I got the Queen of Spades! " --Jay Leno " We are divided between those who think with their heads and those who know with their heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If you think about Harriet Miers, of course her nomination is absurd. But the President didn't say he thought about his selection. He said this: " I know her heart. " Notice how he said nothing about her brain? He didn't have to. He feels the truth about Harriet Miers. " --Stephen Colbert, " The Colbert Report " " For all the talk about 'Desperate Housewives' and 'Lost,' I still say the White House is the best scripted drama on television. That new show 'Commander in Chief?' Total ripoff. Move over, Geena Davis. This time a man will still be President. ... For me and my fellow White House fans, or 'Whities,' it isn't just a show. I mean, we live or die with these characters. Like on season three, when the President, George W. Bush, a competitive ex-alcoholic with a Texas twang lands a jet on an aircraft carrier and yells 'Mission Accomplished,' that's great TV! " --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry Jokes for the Week of Oct. 9-15 " As if they don't have enough troubles at the White House. They tried to have a live conversation with the troops yesterday. Troops in Iraq on satellite, Bush at the White House, it was supposed to look like an impromptu Q and A. Well it turned out it was so scripted, the troops were rehearsed down to the way they would read their lines. Boy that's the Bush military for you. No gays but plenty of choreographers. " --Bill Maher " The White House adamantly denied the troops had been rehearsed. Scott McClellan said, 'No script, no plan. Just like everything else we do in Iraq.' " --Bill Maher " President Bush, not looking good. His approval rating is down to 38. 38! That's lower than Dick Cheney's pulse. In fact, his approval rating is so low he's actually eligible for FEMA assistance now. And It gets worse. According to the new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, among African Americans, President Bush's approval rating is 2 percent. You know who the 2 percent are? Condoleezza Rice and Clarence Thomas. " --Jay Leno " You know what you call a Republican with only 2 percent of the black vote? A Republican. " --Jay Leno " Former Vice Presidential candidate John Edwards has taken a job on Wall Street. He's with a prestigious private investment firm on Wall Street. Remember him, John Edwards? He's the guy always taking about two Americas? Well, I guess we know which America he picked. " --Jay Leno " Ted Kennedy said even if Hillary Clinton runs for presidnet, he will still support John Kerry for the Democratic nomination in 2008. Ted Kennedy backing John Kerry -- you know what they say, two giant heads are better than one. " --Jay Leno " Important weekend this weekend, Iraqi citizens will vote to approve their new constitution. Yeah, it's important because if they vote to reject the constitution, the country could erupt in violence. If they vote to approve the constitution, the country could erupt in violence. " --Conan O'Brien " Well, you can sure tell it's fall. Down in Washington, D.C. yesterday, Tom DeLay was in his front yard raking indictments. " --David Letterman " North Korean dictator Kim Jung Il may be stepping down. Yeah, experts in the State Department say he could be replaced by his son, Menta Li Ill. " --David Letterman " The Million Man March was 10 years ago, and tomorrow, they're going to do it again. By tomorrow, there may be a million black men down the road from the White House. And Bush thought Cindy Sheehan was scary. " --Bill Maher " No, the president not doing well. His approval rating among blacks is at 2%. That's somewhere between Mark Fuhrman and Sickle Cell Anemia. " --Bill Maher " Pakistan had one of the worst natural disasters ever, up to 50,000 people dead after an earthquake this week. But of course it's not a resort, no supermodels like the tsunami, so it doesn't really get covered. But other nations are trying to help. They've offered food, medicine, corpse-sniffing dogs. New Orleans sent a volunteer team of cops to beat the crap out of survivors. " --Bill Maher " You know I love New Orleans, they're vowing to hold Mardi Gras this year come hell or -- no pun -- high water. This is interesting, they've always had a Mardi Gras drink called the Hurricane. They're not going to serve that this year, but they've got a new one called the FEMA. It's strong, it hits you about a week later. " --Bill Maher " President Bush is getting a lot of grief from conservatives about Harriet Miers' lack of legal opinions. Which is kind of surprising, a woman without any opinions? That's like a Republican's dream, isn't it? " --Jay Leno " According to the latest poll, only 2% of African Americans think Bush is doing a good job. Yeah, the number would have been higher, but Condoleezza Rice has a very small family. " --Conan O'Brien " It was raining so hard down in Washington, D.C., Tom DeLay didn't even have to launder his money. " --David Letterman " In speech earlier this at Harvard, Bill Clinton said he has no idea if Hillary will run for president. But he says if he ever sees her again he'll certainly ask. " --Jay Leno " Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers told the New York Times that George Bush was the most brilliant man she ever met, which is kind of scary. She only has one known opinion, and that's it. " --Jay Leno " This is what we know about Miers. She's never been married, and she has no known boyfriend. In fact, today President Bush announced a very ambitious plan to put a man on Miers by the year 2010. " --Jay Leno " The latest approval ratings are out, not good for President Bush. His ratings are now two points below the Bird Flu. " --Jay Leno " In a scathing new book, former FBI chief Louis Freeh criticizes former President Clinton's moral compass. You all remember President Clinton's moral compass, don't you? I believe his moral compass was always pointing north. " --Jay Leno " Last night was the Clintons 30th wedding anniversary. You know what keeps them together -- spite. " -Jay Leno " President Bush and the first lady were on the Today Show building a house for Katrina victims. And before they started building, they gave Bush a set of plans, and he asked if he could keep them because, you know, he's never had a set of plans. " --Jay Leno " President Bush is taking more liberal positions. For example global warming. He used to be against it. Now it's the Republican plan for heating homes this winter. " -Jay Leno " China has launched two guys into space, were you aware of that? Like this week, two guys from China are flying around in space. Their mission is to visit every planet and leave take out menus. President Bush, who has been accused of lying down on the job, he's not taking these Chinese men in space lightly. In response, President Bush announced a plan to put a man on Harriet Miers. " --David Letterman " Newsweek reports that President Bush likes Harriet Miers because she didn't go to an Ivy League school, she worked hard, and she achieved everything on her own without family help. See, opposites attract " --Jay Leno " The latest rumor is, she has so few supporters that her nomination will be withdrawn. They think Bush may have to go to the woman who has had more courtroom experience. You know, like Courtney Love. " --Jay Leno " Harriet Miers told the New York Times that President Bush is the smartest man she's ever met, and Dick Cheney's the best athlete she's ever seen. " --Jay Leno " The White House is denying a report from the BBC that President Bush said God told him to invade Iraq. President Bush said that's not true. I invaded Iraq because Batman told me to " --Conan O'Brien " As you know, there's terrible flooding in New Hampshire. Give you an idea of how white New Hampshire is, FEMA got there in a minute and a half. " --Jay Leno " Pat Robertson now says all these earthquakes and hurricanes we've been having are indications of the second coming. To which President Bush said why would Santa Claus be coming on Halloween? " --Jay Leno " I don't know if you've heard this. Earlier, President Bush has promised to rebuild the Yankees at all costs. " --David Letterman " Yeah, the Yankees didn't look that good last night. Harriet Miers watched the games and said, and they call me unqualified. " --David Letterman " Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton was inducted into the Women's Hall of Fame. Unfortunately, she's still not in Bill Clinton's Women's Hall of Fame. Not even in the top ten " --Jay Leno " President Bush's top adviser, Karl Rove will soon be testifying for the fourth time before a grand jury at the federal courthouse in Washington this week. President Bush's Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers is fascinated by all this. She asked Rove, 'What goes on in those federal court houses anyway?' " --Jay Leno " We don't know a lot about this Harriet Miers, but she said George Bush was the most brilliant man she ever met. You know, this chick has got to meet more guys. " --Jay Leno " This Harriet Miers pick for the Supreme Court is turning out to be the most controversial pick involving the Supreme Court since...George Bush. " --David Letterman " More news on that spy they arrested who was working in Vice President Dick Cheney's office. Turns out he started working at the White House during the Clinton administration. Well, duh. Where do you think he learned how to sneak around without getting caught? " --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of Oct. 2-8 " President Bush's top adviser Karl Rove testified before the grand jury for the fourth time this week. Maybe Bush should nominate him for Supreme Court. He's been in more courtrooms then Harriet Miers now. " --Jay Leno " The Republicans are having their problems. Karl Rove is testifying as I said for the fourth time next week. Tom Delay was indicted for the second time and Bill Frist is being investigated. For a party that hates trial lawyers they sure do hire a lot of them. " --Jay Leno " The Republicans are in trouble. Bill First, the Senate leader, is under investigation, Karl Rove is about to be indicted, Tom DeLay was indicted twice in one week. You almost feel bad for how screwed this guy is, because usually when someone wants to beat this kind of a rap, the person they bribe is Tom DeLay. " --Bill Maher " I think the President is losing it. The BBC is reporting that Bush told a group of Palestinian ministers that God told him to invade Iraq. You see, that's what happens when you mix the New Testament and Old Milwaukee. " --Bill Maher " While trying to defend his nomination of Harriet Miers, President Bush admitted he and Miers had never discussed abortion. Said Bush, 'Luckily it turned out to be a false alarm.' " --Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live's " Weekend Update " " Many people are upset with President Bush for nominating Miers to the Supreme Court -- particularly her law partner, Jacoby. " --Horatio Sanz, Saturday Night Live's " Weekend Update " " Bush's number one choice, Harriet Miers issued a statement today saying that she is getting closer and closer to having an opinion on something. " --Jay Leno " The president nominated Harriets Miers, the leaning lady, you know her as TV's Hazel, to be on the Supreme Court. The people around the White House refer to her as Bush's work wife. No, it's platonic, please. There's one he thought she was flashing a little thong. Turned out it was just a cobweb. " --Bill Maher " She's sixty, single, never married, childless, and the former head of the Texas lottery. Sounds to me like she's never handled a ball that didn't have a number on it. " --Bill Maher " It's the religious right that's grumbling about Harriet Miers. Bush is losing his base. There's a new poll out that says white evangelicals, Republican women, southerners and suburban men are losing confidence in Bush. Wow, these are the very people who elected him to stop boys from kissing. He is so desperate to win these people back, he said today that if he had to get another pick on the Supreme Court, he would nominate the tiger that ate half of Siegfried and Roy. " --Bill Maher " A Filipino spy broke into Dick Cheney's office this week, and that takes a lot because Dick Cheney's office is the back of a speeding ambulance. " --Bill Maher " With all this going on, it just didn't surprise me this week that we had a sudden 'terror alert.' Sounds to me like another desperate Bush stunt to repair his image. He wanted to knock up Katie Holmes but Laura said no. " --Bill Maher " The former FBI Director Louis Freeh has a new book out. He goes after President Clinton, says that Clinton's closets were full of skeletons. Skeletons? So I guess there were some skinny chicks we didn't know about. It wasn't just chubby interns. " --Jay Leno " The nation's energy chief says it'll take six months for energy production and prices to return to pre-hurricane levels. In a bold effort to hurry the process, President Bush fished out his old 'Save Gas: Fart In A Jar' t-shirt. " --Amy Poehler " Did you hear about this spy they found working in the White House. A guy in Vice President Cheney's security detail was allegedly passing U.S. secrets to foreign govenrments. And Karl Rove was furious. He said, 'Leaking secrets, that's my job.' " --Jay Leno " A former Marine was arrested for allegedly stealing intelligence memos from the White House. How about that? The guy would get into the White House and steal intelligence memos, and I thought, well, at least someone's reading those memos. " --David Letterman " No, it's a real mystery, no one knows how he got into the White House, no one knows how he managed to stay in there so long ... oh, no, wait, that's George Bush, I got confused. " --David Letterman " Interesting woman this Harriet Miers. She used to be a Democrat, and then she found God and became a Republican. Which is kind of backwards, because usually in Washingotn you become a Republican, get indicted, go to jail, then you find God. " --Jay Leno " They shut down Pennsylvania Avenue because of a suspicious package, did you hear about that? Turns out it was just a big bag of laundered money for Tom DeLay. " --David Letterman " Al Gore was speaking at a pep rally in Central Park. Because when you think pep, you think Al Gore. I have to be careful about this, because Al Gore is, uh, not a dynamic speaker. Halfway through his speech, squirrels were climbing on him. " --David Letterman " Al Gore gave a fiery speech today claiming that American democracy was in grave danger ... and then his wife said 'Al, just pay the pizza guy and let's eat.' " --Jay Leno " A lot of conservative Republicans say they are very upset about President Bush's choice of Harriet Miers. They say she has no experience, she doesn't know anything about constitutional law, and she's never shown any interest in it. Where were these people with the high standards when they nominated Bush to be president? " --Jay Leno " President Bush tried to reassure conservative that Harriet Miers was the best choice for the Supreme Court. He said twenty years from now she'll be the same person she was today. Twenty years ago she was a Democrat, and Catholic. " --Jay Leno " Some conservatives are upset with President Bush's Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers because she donated $1,000 to Al Gore's campaign in 1988. In response she said, Come on, we all did embarrassing things in the '80s. " --Conan O'Brien " President Bush, out defending his Supreme Court nominee today. Bush said Miers has a good heart. Well, yeah, compared to Dick Cheney. " --Jay Leno " A lot of Republicans are baffled by this choice. You can't really blame them. I mean, think about it. We have a more rigorous selection process on 'The Apprentice' than we do on the Supreme Court. At least let her get grilled by Trump. " --Jay Leno " Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is retiring. President Bush has already launched a search for the most inexperienced, incompetent candidate he can find. No, they'll find a replacement for Greenspan as soon as they figure out what the hell it is he does " --David Letterman " 'Commander In Chief' over there on ABC was one of the highest rated shows. It's about the first female president of the United States. Or, as Hillary Clinton calls it, a reality show. Or, as Republicans call it, 'Fear Factor.' " --Jay Leno " First Lady Laura Bush will appear on an upcoming episode of 'Extreme Makeover.' Tom DeLay will be on 'Cops.' " --Jay Leno " Scooter Libby -- who's won the cutest name for an architect of war award five years running -- personally released her from her confidentiality agreement. And for those of you uncomfortable with the cozy relationship between the administration and the press, take heart at Libby's letter to Miller, a stern shot across her bow: Quote, 'Out west, where you vacation, the aspens will already be turning. They turn in clusters, because their roots connect them. Come back to work -- and life.' Wow, it's as though he thinks they're all in this together. For his efforts, Miller was released from jail, and Libby received a D- from his sophomore creative writing professor. " --Jon Stewart, on New York Times reporter Judith Miller and Dick Cheney's chief of staff, Scotter Libby " The latest political rumor, North Korea ruler Kim Jong Il is close to naming his successor. Yeah, he said the only person with glasses big enough to replace me is Nicole Richie. " --Conan O'Brien " Do you see each other now and is it like if you had a gay experience at camp when you were nine? " --Jon Stewart, to John Edwards, on John Kerry " She's never been a judge before, never served on the bench. This is part of President Bush's strategy of surrounding himself with people who are also in over their heads. " --Jay Leno, on Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers " Records show (Miers) gave money to Al Gore's campaign, and she also called President Bush the most brilliant man she ever met. And this is the woman we're hiring for her judgment? " --Jay Leno " Big news this morning at the White House, President Bush defended his nominee, Harriet Miers, calling her 'Plenty bright.' Yeah, not only that, but then the president said Miers has 'real purdy hair.' Then he got on a mule and headed south. " --Conan O'Brien " Welcome to the 'Late Show,' ladies and gentlemen. It's like the Supreme Court, anyone can get in here. " --David Letterman " We're learning more and more about Tom Delay. ... He was nicknamed, 'Hot Tub Tom,' got kicked out of Baylor for drinking and ... became a wild party animal who drank 10 martinis a night, or as they call it in Washington, a Kennedy. " --Jay Leno " Don't kid yourself, this is serious. If convicted, Tom DeLay could end up with his own TV show. Two indictments in two weeks. See, this is something that could give Congress a bad name. " --David Letterman " As you might expect some people are criticizing the pick, especially conservative Republicans who worry that Harriet Miers is too liberal. Other critics say she's not a good pick because she hasn't been a judge before. Uh, had Paula Abdul been a judge before? Nobody had a problem when they picked her. " --Jimmy Kimmel " President Bush chose Harriet Miers to be his next nominee to the Supreme Court. You know what we know about Harriet Miers? Her name is Harriet Miers. " --Jay Leno " Harriet Miers, as you know, has no experience. Apparently no experience is the main requirement to be a Bush appointee. " --David Letterman " Last week, former Education Secretary Bill Bennett made some insensitive racial comments. I'm sure you all heard what he said. And the White House called the comments not appropriate. They want to make sure we know the government doesn't insult black people. It ignores them, but it doesn't insult them. " --Jay Leno " Representative Tom DeLay, many of you are familiar with his work, has received another indictment. The second indictment -- this one for money laundering -- he says is also baseless. He is also saying indictments three through eleven, which are coming, are without merit and illegitimate. He feels that indictments twelve through fifteen cut a little closer to the bone than he feels comfortable with. Sixteen and seventeen he feels are a farce. Eighteen to twenty four, he believes, nails it on the head. He believes that's when they're really going to get into the evil that is he. It is at that point that he will reveal to us that he is a swamp creature. By the way, my allegation that Tom DeLay is a swamp creature: Baseless. " --Jon Stewart " President Bush has pledged to grant millions of dollars in tax breaks to national casino companies rushing to rebuild casinos along the Gulf Coast, giving residents who haven't already lost their house a chance to do so. " --Daily Show commentator Lewis Black Jokes for the Week of Sept. 26-Oct. 1 " According to the National Enquirer, President Bush has started drinking again. You know, I feel sorry for Barbara Bush, the mother. Her son's hitting the bottle, her husband's hanging around with Bill Clinton, she's the one who should be drinking. " --Jay Leno " A White House spokesman announced today that Vice President Dick Cheney's recovery is exceeding his doctor's expectations. You know what that means? He's still alive. " --Jay Leno " In the wake of newly-alleged prisoner abuse this week, Senator John McCain said that continued mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners is hurting the nation's image. Also hurting the nation's image: letting people drown when it rains. " --Amy Poehler on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update " Today the New York Times reported that Judith Miller was released from jail. They had to release her to make room for Tom DeLay. " --Jay Leno " After a long investigation, authorities now believe they know how the fire got started. They believe it was started by Bill Bennett at a cross burning. " --Jay Leno " Did you know a phone center in India has been handling all the calls from the hurricane victims in Texas? The calls are routed through India. And here's the sad part. People in India still responded faster than FEMA. " --Jay Leno " Over in the Middle East, according to the L.A. Times, with three weeks before his trial starts, Saddam Hussein's defense is in chaos. Saddam's new strategy -- he's going to blame everything on state and local governments. " --Jay Leno " In a speech earlier this week, President Bush asked Americans to conserve gas by stopping non-essential travel. Then the president flew to Hawaii to make the same speech. " --Conan O'Brien " Republican majority leader Tom DeLay was indicted and he was stripped of his congressional leadership powers. When asked what it feels like to lose all his power, DeLay said, 'I feel like a Democrat.' " --Conan O'Brien " Bush is now asking people to conserve gasoline. That's gotta be tough for a former oil man like Bush. Telling people not to use gasoline? That's like Clinton trying to get women to just say no. " --Jay Leno " You know I'm not sure that President Bush really understands some of these energy issues. Like today, reporters asked him about alternative fuels, and he said, 'This is not a gay issue.' " --Jay Leno " John Roberts was sworn in today as chief justice of the Supreme Court, and they said he might get a license plate for a limo that reads 'Chief Justice 1.' And it could be made by Tom DeLay. " --Jay Leno " Have you heard this rumor that President Bush could be drinking again? Yeah, the way things are going for this administration, I'm surprised that Betty Ford's not drinking again. " --Jay Leno " As you may have heard, Anna Nicole Smith is now taking her case to the United States Supreme Court. She's now claiming she married Judge William Rehnquist just hours before he passed away. " --Jay Leno " President Bush is about to nominate another judge for the Supreme Court. Republicans say he has it narrowed down to about 12 people. Or as Bush says, 'All my fingers and two toes.' " --Conan O'Brien " Today a Texas grand jury indicted House Majority Leader Tom DeLay for conspiracy in a campaign finance scheme. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Republicans since yesterday. " --Jay Leno " Tom DeLay said he had a new priority in life -- outlawing prison rape. " --Jay Leno " Remember when Republicans, like Newt Gingrich and Bob Livingston, when they got in trouble it was for sex scandals? See Tom DeLay is in trouble for money. Or as Republicans would call it -- this is a return to traditional values. " --Jay Leno " House Majority Leader Tom DeLay says he is innocent of all wrongdoing and is the victim of a plot by the Democrats. Fox News does too; they've been spinning this story so hard they had to give the staff Dramamine today. " --Jimmy Kimme " Former FEMA director Mike Brown testified before Congress and he rejected claims that he was inexperienced, saying 'I have overseen over 150 presidential-declared disasters.' So he's not inexperienced, he's just incompetent. " --Jay Leno " I was impressed by his willingness to accept responsibility for how incompetent everyone else was. He candidly admitted -- he was too trusting, too able, too over-skilled to deal with all the retards around him. Overall, Jon, a heart-felt and stirring You-a culpa " -- " Daily Show " correspondent Rob Corddry, on Michael Brown's testimony before Congress " First Lady Laura Bush is going to guest star on a special edition of 'Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.' She'll be helping rebuild a shelter in Biloxi, Mississippi and applying oils to Ty Pennington's chest. You know, the last First Lady to have a screwdriver in her hand was Betty Ford. " --Jimmy Kimmel " Because of all the fuel shortages, President Bush asked all Americans to cut back on unnecessary travel. You know, like trips to Iraq. " --Jay Leno " Saudi Arabia said today that they have twice the oil they thought they had. Which means they can screw us twice as much as they thought they could. " --Jay Leno " 87-year-old Democratic Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia announced he's seeking another term. He wants six more years. Well, duh, every 87-year-old wants six more years. " --Jay Leno " All in all, 16 Texas oil refineries remain shut down after the storms. Analysts say it's the worst thing to happen to the Texas oil industry since George W. Bush worked in it. " --Jon Stewart " They say President Bush has started drinking again. Boy, he'll do anything to get Ted Kennedy's support for that Supreme Court nominee. " --Jay Leno " Suppose he is drinking, who cares? He's the president. He doesn't drive anywhere, so that's not a danger. He's got the Secret Service right there to catch him if he stumbles, plus Dick Cheney is the designated brain, so it doesn't matter. " --Jay Leno " Some good news. The Bush administration captured their number one terror suspect the other day: anti-war protester Cindy Sheehan. She was arrested. I think she was the ace of spades. " --Jay Leno " Cindy Sheehan, she is the mother who was demonstrating in Texas. She was arrested at the White House for sitting down, doing nothing, and refusing to move. You know, if that's the criteria, they should arrest all those White House energy advisers. " --Jay Leno " John Kerry said he was never clear about where John Roberts stood on the issues and for that reason he's not voting for him. That's the same reason Roberts didn't vote for Kerry. " --Jay Leno " Warren Beatty is considering running for governor of California against Arnold Schwarzenegger. Wouldn't that be fantastic, two actors running for governor? Now if we could just get Gary Coleman back in the race, we'd have " Two and a Half Men. " --Jay Leno " A lot of people think global warming is causing these terrible hurricanes. See I think to stop global warming we should move in the other direction. We should move towards a second ice age. Follow me, if the glaciers are coming towards us at like an inch a year, then the government would have time to respond. " --Jay Leno " The National Enquirer says that president Bush has started drinking again. You thought he was falling off his bicycle before. Are you worried that President Bush might be drinking again? Why? Let's say he is drinking. It'd be hard to screw up more than we have already. " --Jay Leno " Hillary Clinton has announced she's going to vote no, she's voting no on the nomination of Judge John Roberts for Supreme Court chief justice. Today, Bill Clinton pulled Roberts aside and said, 'Don't worry, I get no from her all the time' " --Jay Leno " In an announcement today President Bush said all federal workers should travel less to save fuel. He decided on this in Texas, right before he flew to Colorado then back to Washington to prepare for tomorrow's trip back to Texas. " --Jay Leno " Hurricane Rita was not as bad for Texas as people thought it was going to be. In fact, Enron did more damage to Houston than Hurricane Rita. " --Jay Leno " We begin with Hurricane Rita, which proved the old rule that no matter how anticipated, sequels are always less compelling than the original. ... Rita, I feel, was the Ghostbusters II of hurricanes. " --Jon Stewart " The government's response to Hurricane Rita was relatively smooth, especially when you consider that the response to Hurricane Katrina was littered with faux pas. Or, as President Bush prefers to call them 'freedom pas' " --Jon Stewart " Barbra Streisand told Diane Sawyer that we're in a global warming crisis, and we can expect more and more intense storms, droughts and dust bowls. But before they act, weather experts say they're still waiting to hear from Celine Dion. " --Jay Leno " President Bush has asked the FBI to start an anti-obscenity task force to the fight the war against pornography. ... Bush said he's serious about this war on pornography. He said he will seek out and find all weapons of mass -- turbation. " --Jay Leno Jokes for the Week of Sept. 18-24 " Bush is keeping track of Hurricane Rita as it hits his home state of Texas. That's Bush's worst nightmare -- an electric chair with no power. " --Jay Leno " Hurricane Rita is supposed to make landfall in Texas, which is good for Barbara Bush because she can insult survivors closer to home. " --Bill Maher " California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger running for re-election. Except this time, instead of running as a mediocre actor, he'll be running as a mediocre governor. And, speaking of things like that, Iraqis will have the chance to vote on their new constitution. They'll have the option of voting yes, or blowing something up. " --David Letterman " The other event that has people on edge this weekend, Vice President Cheney will undergo surgery for an aneurysm, and while he is under anesthetic, a man named George Bush will be in charge. " --Bill Maher " It's actually a procedure to correct an aneurysm behind Cheney's knee. Boy, you know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack on your knee. But the Vice President feels good about it. He's surrounded by loved ones, his wife Lynne and Halliburton. " --Bill Maher " Forbes this week came out with a list of the 400 richest Americans, or as we call it, the Bush Cabinet. " --Jay Leno " In a speech today about Hurricane Rita, President Bush declared, quote, 'This is a big storm.' In related news, the White House announced earlier today that the president is writing his own speeches. " --Conan O'Brien " Yesterday the Texas Air National Guard was recalled from Louisiana. President Bush said these brave men and women should be commended for all the work they do. Of course, Bush didn't know firsthand knowledge of what it was the Air National Guard actually does, but he heard it was important. " --Jay Leno " Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has announced that she has decided to vote against the nomination of John Roberts for the Supreme Court. She said it was a matter of conscience. And when she explained this to her husband Bill he said, 'A matter of what?' " --Jay Leno " This is going a fun election coming up...Warren Beatty the actor spoke out against Gov. Arnold Schwarzengger's policies. Some people think he might run against him for governor. Imagine that, Warren and Arnold running against each other. Now, if we could just get Paris Hilton in this race, between the three of them they would have screwed everybody in LA. " --Jay Leno " Now here's some sad information coming out of Washington. According to reports, President Bush may be drinking again. And I thought, 'Well, why not? He's got everybody else drinking.' " --David Letterman " Now here's surprising and sad news coming out of Iraq. According to reports, Iraqi officials have embezzled $1.2 billion in Pentagon money. $1.2 billion. And Halliburton, when they heard about this, they said hey! Hey! We were going to embezzle that money. That's our money. " --David Letterman " It was announced today that the FBI is recruiting agents for an anti-obscenity task force. The FBI said they'll divert agents from other areas to fight a war on pornography, or as President Bush is calling them, weapons of mass erections. Let me ask you something. A war on pornography? Did I miss something? Did we catch bin Laden? " --Jay Leno " President Bush said that he wants to put a man on the moon by the year 2018. Why are we going to the moon? Didn't he say just last month that we were going to Mars? See, that shows you how expensive gas is -- we can only go halfway now. Sorry kid, you're just going to the Moon again this year -- the Mars thing is out. " --Jay Leno " Over the weekend, North Korea, seen here in parade form, stunned the world by agreeing to end its nuclear weapons program in exchange for a White House pledge not to invade them. The surprise breakthrough in the talks made banner headlines -- until the next day when unfortunately North Korea backed out and vowed to keep its weapons until Washington gave it a nuclear reactor. Now I understand that Kim Jong Il enjoys Western entertainment, so, on the off chance that he may be watching this program, I would like to take a moment to address the dear leader. ... Listen f---head, you got the Bush administration to promise not to attack you. Don't blow that. Mexico can't even get that. Every day, Canadians check the map to make sure we didn't move the border on them overnight. We're bad-ass, baby " --Jon Stewart " Vice President Dick Cheney will have elective surgery or, as his doctors call it, a pre-autopsy. " --Jay Leno " Bill Clinton said he doesn't know if his wife Hillary will vote for Judge Roberts...but if he sees her in the next year or so he'll bring it up. " --Jay Leno " According to reports now, Iraqi officials have embezzled over one billion dollars. One billion dollars! So apparently they really do have a U.S.-style democracy. " --David Letterman " Yesterday President Bush made his fifth visit to the area that received the most damage from Hurricane Katrina. In other words, the White House. " --Conan O'Brien " It's still unclear exactly how much federal money will be needed to help the Gulf Coast recover, but this week's Newsweek puts the price tag at $200 billion, which, coincidentally, is what the war in Iraq has cost so far. Hey, can you tell me which one we've already spent the money on? I can't tell. " --Jon Stewart " The president believes the government should be limited not in size, Jon, but in effectiveness. In terms of effectiveness, this is the most limited government we've ever had. " --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry " Hurricane Rita, hitting Florida, and this time President Bush is not screwing around. He is not taking any chances. Earlier today, President Bush sprang into action and evacuated all the crooked voting machines out of Florida. " --David Letterman " Whatever their shortcomings in the past, the federal government has learned the lesson of Katrina: Start blaming state and local officials now. I've already been assured by FEMA that the mayor and governor will have failed. And this time the president will not be detached. There are already plans to helicopter him in to save a baby from raging flood waters. " --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry " Hurricane Rita, this is like the 9th hurricane out this season. Maybe this isn't the time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance. " --Jay Leno " But Hurricane Rita, I mean, that doesn't sound powerful. Even Katrina, you see what I'm saying? We need hurricane names that let you know how unpredictable and dangerous they are. Like Hurricane Courtney Love " --Jay Leno " Yesterday, the federal government asked people not to return to the city of New Orleans because it's still not safe. Yeah, then the federal government said the same thing to the people of Detroit, Cleveland and Newark. " --Conan O'Brien " According to the latest polls, President Bush's approval ratings are at an all-time low. In response, President Bush said 'Yeah, but my disapproval ratings are at an all-time high.' " --Conan O'Brien " The big question, what's going to get dried out first, New Orleans or Gov. Jeb Bush's son? You hear about this? President Bush's nephew, John Ellis Bush, who is Jeb Bush's son, was arrested for public drunkenness and resisting arrest. Apparently the family's concerned that this behavior will hurt his chances of having a political career. But it didn't hurt Uncle George " --Jay Leno " One really embarrassing moment from the Emmys when William Shatner had to be evacuated from the buffet. I don't want to say the show was a disaster, but former Presidents Clinton and Bush showed up today. " --David Letterman " In New York a man has set the Guinness World Record for being a couch potato. He spent 68 hours and 48 minutes straight watching TV. So nice to see FEMA director Mike Brown landing on his feet. " --Jay Leno " Martha Stewart is with us tonight and she's going to show us how to dig a tunnel with a melon baller. " --David Letterman Jokes for the Week of Sept. 11-17 " Did you see the speech? President Bush spoke from Jackson Square in New Orleans. It wasn't his first choice for a backdrop, but the water wasn't quite deep enough for the aircraft carrier. " --Bill Maher " The president said much of the aid is going towards job training. And when they heard that, the people of New Orleans rose as one and said, 'Can we start with you?' " --Bill Maher " He's like the Peanuts character Pigpen. Wherever he goes, he stirs up such a humongous mess, it can only be cleaned up by Halliburton. " --Bill Maher, on Bush " It's interesting, some analysts said the most striking thing about President Bush's speech last night was the fact that he didn't name someone to be in charge of the reconstruction. See, if Bush was smart, put Clinton in charge. Think about it. I mean if you want women flashing their breasts by Mardi Gras, Clinton is the guy to do it. " --Jay Leno " If there's one person who felt the pain of what's going on down there and commemorated the victims of Katrina more than anyone else, it's Judge John Roberts, because he observed an entire week of silence. " --Bill Maher, on John Roberts' confirmation hearings " It was an interesting birth. Her water broke and it took FEMA three days to respond. " --Bill Maher, on Britney Spears' baby " President Bush spoke to the nation from historic Jackson Square in New Orleans. Did you see this speech? He wasn't wearing a tie, he wasn't wearing a jacket. See they took all that stuff away from him. Apparently his approval ratings are so low they have him on a suicide watch. " --Jay Leno " He also called the rebuilding of New Orleans one of the largest reconstruction efforts the world has ever seen, second only to Cher. " --Jay Leno " This is a note President Bush wrote to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. They were at a Security Council meeting in New York...It says: 'I think I may need a bathroom break. Is this possible?' I didn't even know he was potty trained. At least he asked. Clinton would have just whipped it out right there. " --Jimmy Kimmel " President Bush has taken personal responsibility for this failed response of FEMA. He also hinted that he might have had something to do with the war in Iraq too. " --Jay Leno " President Bush said racism played no part on the slow rescue effort. He's right. That's the one good thing about incompetence -- it's color blind. " --Jay Leno " And you know, I think Bush is trying a little too hard now to show how much he cares. Have you seen today? Like, he's in New Orleans this morning. He met with Cindy Sheehan in the middle of a flooded street while hugging a black guy. " --Jay Leno " A lot of celebrities are helping the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Shaquille O'Neal gave money and donated several pairs of his autographed sneakers. Today, those sneakers are being used as kayaks to rescue people. " --Jay Leno " Hey, I watched some great softball today. The Senate hearings on John Roberts. " - Jay Leno " To his credit, President Bush took some of the blame for the slow relief effort of Hurricane Katrina. In fact, he said this is probably why he is not going to run for a third term. " --Jay Leno " President Bush spoke tonight to the nation about the problems with the relief effort. And afterwards, Kanye West gave the rebuttal. " --Jay Leno " Arnold Schwarzenegger will announce tomorrow whether he plans to run for a second term. Or as he calls it - a sequel. I think it's good news if he decides to run. You know that he's not planning to go back into acting. " --Jay Leno " Welcome to our 3000th show tonight. I was thinking about that. We did our first show in May of 1992; a man named George Bush was president, his approval rating was only 39%. And someone named Clinton wanted to replace him in the White House. So nothing has changed really. " --Jay Leno " Big summit at the U.N., and President Bush warned the president of Syria to stop letting terrorists into Iraq. And then the president of Syria warned Bush to start paying attention to natural disasters. " --David Letterman " Off the coast of North Carolina , Hurricane Ophelia continues to lurk. That is what I was worried about after Katrina, copycat hurricanes. Hopefully Ophelia will peter out and drizzle away. Just to be safe though, the President went on a two-week vacation. " --Jimmy Kimmel " Tomorrow night, in a speech to the nation, the president will do what he does best: Explain what went wrong. " --Jay Leno " Al Gore gave a speech this week criticizing the Bush administration, really attacked him. And then Gore took questions from some of the other people waiting in line at Starbucks. " --Jay Leno " They say the toxic water and sludge smells so bad in New Orleans that they're thinking of renaming the city Newark. " --Jay Leno " The rebuilding of New Orleans is already underway. The relief and reconstruction contracts for rebuilding the city have already been awarded, many of them no bid. Among the recipients, major Republican contributors Bechtel and Fluor, the Shaw Group, client of Joe Allbaugh, ex-FEMA head, and, of course, come on, don't be shy, say it with me -- Halliburton. " --Jon Stewart " President Bush did something interesting today. After weeks of dodging how poorly the Hurricane Katrina rescue effort went, today he took responsibility for it. It's almost unprecedented for President Bush to admit fault. And he's getting so much praise for doing it, he decided to go for broke and also admitted today that he's not very smart. " --Jimmy Kimmel " President Bush toured New Orleans. He saw something that was below sea level: his approval ratings. " --Jay Leno " Supreme Court chief justice nominee John Roberts said in his confirmation hearings that he has no agenda and no platform. You know what that means, he could be the next Democratic presidential candidate. " --Jay Leno " The senators [in the Roberts hearing] all get to begin with opening statements, and earlier today Ted Kennedy took ten minutes to tell his version of the Aristocrats. " --David Letterman " Michael Brown resigned. He said he'd like to spend more time not responding to his family. He resigned and now he plans to be ineffective in the private sector. " --David Letterman " We've learned John Roberts is a no-nonsense guy, prefers a half Windsor knot for his tie, is no fan of cuff links. And, most tellingly, he parts his hair on the left, which very well might raise some hackles on the right " -- " Daily Show " correspondent Stephen Colbert " No word yet on Mr. Brown's future plans, though sources say he does want to spend more time doing nothing for his family. " --Jon Stewart, on FEMA Director Michael Brown's resignation " Brown said he was stepping down because he was an ineffective leader who had lost the confidence of the people, to which Bush said, 'That's no reason to quit your job.' " --Jay Leno " Did you know Michael Brown is a lawyer? He's a lawyer. Leave it to Bush to find the only lawyer in history who's slow getting to a disaster. Usually, they're the first ones there handing out business cards. " --Jay Leno " According to the Washington Post, 5 out of the top 8 FEMA officials got their jobs with no experience handling disasters, and many got their jobs just cause they worked on the Bush campaign. See this is wrong. If you want people experienced in handling disasters, get people who worked on the Gore campaign. " --Jay Leno " Did you hear what rapper Kayne West said about the power outage? He said 'George Bush does not care about blackouts. " --Jay Leno ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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