GOP Heavies Work the O.J. Dodge (Satire) - Bernard Weiner

[Guest guest]

" Mark Hull-Richter " <mhull

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 15:14:00 -0700 (PDT)

FW: GOP Heavies Work the " O.J. Dodge " (Satire) - Bernard Weiner

 

 

 

 

 

This may not be for real, but it sure summarizes the regime fairly

accurately.

 

The real question is: what do we DO about it?

 

I recommend impeachment, but it'll take a lot of work and I doubt that

there are enough Democrats, let alone Republicans, in Congress who have

the stomach (both in terms of courage and strength) for it.

 

 

 

 

GOP Heavies Work the " O.J. Dodge " (Satire)

 

By Bernard Weiner, The Crisis Papers

 

(Note to readers: The following transcript of a conversation

among political leaders -- one imagines the room was bugged --

was placed through our mail slot yesterday by a group calling

itself the Bush-Liberation Front. We can't verify the

authenticity of the organization or the document, but, in a

curious sort of way, it passes the smell test. See what you

think.)

 

TURD BLOSSOM

 

I told you, it works like a charm every time. Of course, it

requires a fairly dumbed-down populace to help make it work. But

having that built-in base of die-hard conservatives, a good many

of them fundamentalist Christians who believe and do whatever we

tell them, makes it fairly easy.

 

THE GROPINATOR

 

I can vouch for that. I mean, look at the trouble I was in. Got

caught red-handed making sexual moves on a good many attractive

young ladies, and my Democrat opponents were calling for me to

drop out of the race as a sexual predator, insensitive to women.

But I used the ultimate spin moves I learned from you, Karl, as

well as how a good many televangelists wormed their way out of

their scandals. My base stayed with me, no problem.

 

TURD BLOSSOM

 

You were always a quick learner, Arnold, I can tell you that. You

know the drill. First, you issue a vague, generic apology that

admits to nothing specific, but makes you seem like you're taking

responsibility for your actions. You know, something like: " If I

have offended anybody by my poor behavior, I sincerely apologize.

It certainly wasn't my intent....blah, blah, blah. "

 

Then you bring out the stealth solution that hasn't failed us

yet: You say you're going to set up an investigatory panel to

check into all these allegations -- it's just a vague promise,

with nobody named to the probe, and always in the future tense.

The usual result of you promising to investigate yourself -- what

we in the trade call O.J. Dodge " -- is that somehow the air

in the bad-press balloon escapes and the issue disappears from

the front pages and TV newscasts. Later, after the election, your

supposed investigation simply disappears -- after all, the people

elected you, scandal or no scandal -- or a spokesman announces

that you've been exonerated.

 

THE PREZ

 

I have an additional way to take the pressure off me. I can

always get our GOP lapdogs in Congress to set up an

investigation " that will do nothing but clear me and shift the

blame somewhere else -- maybe to Bill Clinton or at least to

Democrats in general, or, if we're not that lucky, we throw a

low-level flunky overboard to take the rap. You're right: Doing

any or all of these approaches deflates the issue in the media,

the public is fooled into believing there really are going to be

deep, serious investigations into what went wrong, and meanwhile,

we escape untouched. Is this a great country, or what?

 

UNCLE DICK

 

If things get too hot and you wind up being sued in court, you

simply follow Uncle Dick's Postpone Rulebook, as I like to call

it. That's what I did with my supposed " secret energy panel "

brouhaha. You work the issue all the way through the courts for

years, delaying, delaying until some appeals court or other, with

judges you appointed, finds in your favor. Go fuck yourself, you

liberal pansies!-- I love saying that. God, this country is

wonderful!

 

TURD BLOSSOM

 

It was a bit trickier with the Katrina fallout, I must admit. We

took some really nasty hits on that one, mainly because

conservative Republicans and rightwing media joined in to bash us

on our lack of timely compassion for the victims of the New

Orleans flood. Once we all returned from our vacations, we

ratcheted up our team and came up with solutions. Trouble was, we

were fighting those horrifying TV images the public had seen for

nearly a week on how FEMA and the White House were late and

botched the situation royally. We found we had to go from Plan B

to Plan C really quickly.

 

For Plan B, first we sent the Prez to the area for photo ops --

of course, not in downtown New Orleans; couldn't risk photos of

poor black people yelling at him. So we did the next best thing:

We got the Prez with some pickaninnies and their mommas -- put

his arm around them, got the girls laughing, expressing his

compassion, that sort of media stuff. Then, we made sure no major

food items got distributed until the Prez arrived, thus making

him a man of action who gets things done. When all that didn't

really defuse our bad image, we went to Plan C.

 

We dispersed the flood victims all over the country, thus

guaranteeing that the fairly tight black community in New Orleans

was no more -- they wouldn't be able to organize protests

anywhere en masse. Then we announced that we were going to give

those lazy welfare bastards $2000 vouchers per family, to buy

essentials -- booze or crack, most likely. Expensive, but we

looked generous, caring, warm -- anything to counter those

pictures of dead bodies floating in the streets while Brown at

FEMA, and we in the White House, were spinning our wheels trying

to figure out how to gear up. (Later, of course, you can always

cancel giveaways.)

 

Then we sent out the emergency spin points to our radio talk-show

friends, freepers and conservative pundits, blaming the New

Orleans Dem mayor and the Dem governor of Louisiana, and

reminding our folks to talk always about the anarchy and violence

that ensued in the neighborhoods of Those People. The son of

Willie Horton, I like to call the move. We also found a way to

work Bill Clinton into the equation: We blamed him for the

faulty levees.

 

THE GROPINATOR

 

Worked like a charm, Karl. The visual images changed from rotting

dead bodies to U.S. soldiers distributing supplies. The talk

shifted from Bush and FEMA to frothing Democrats playing the

Blame Game. Didn't matter if it wasn't true or only half true

(with us owning the other half of the responsibility); the idea

was to get the Prez off the hot seat by pounding our version of

events a hundred times a day. As Rush reminds us, you keep doing

that long enough, hard enough, and sooner or later it becomes the

truth. I'm still governor, aren't I? It works, Karl, just like

you taught me.

 

TURD BLOSSOM

 

Need I remind you guys that your approval numbers are way low?

Were it not for our tech-savvy friends out there, we couldn't win

an election for dogcatcher right now, and neither could you,

Arnold. Somewhere between election day 2004 and now, the public

seems to have figured out something. Our job is to make them

forget the facts, and alter those negative feelings and images;

we need to frighten the hell out of them, make them dependent on

us as the authority figures who can make them feel better, and

regain our old momentum. If it takes cracking some heads, or

rounding up critical types for 're-education' in summer camps,

we'll do it.

 

UNCLE DICK

 

Hey, your mention of " camps " just reminded me that you three guys

have something interesting in common. You all had relatives with

ties to the Third Reich. Karl, your grandfather, a high-up Party

man, helped plan the Birkenau death camp; your father, Arnold,

volunteered for the Nazi S.A. in Austria and worked his way

fairly high up in the officer corps; and your industrialist

great-grandfather, Mr. President, helped finance the Nazi Party

from here in America, and your grandfather carried on the

tradition -- actually, to the point where the U.S. government

shut down his German money-laundering operation in 1942. I'm

really impressed with how you guys managed to spin your way out

of all that.

 

(Long silence)

 

TURD BLOSSOM

 

Those Nazis were cruel, inhuman butchers.

 

THE GROPINATOR

 

Yes, they were.

 

THE PREZ

 

Yep.

 

TURD BLOSSOM

 

Still, despite all that, they were masters of societal

manipulation, propaganda and knew how to cleverly destroy their

opponents politically. I've done my research and my reading, and

have found much that is useful for my work. We got rid of the

cruelty and anti-Semitism (well, not quite: Arabs are Semites),

and kept what was useful from their effective methods. Madison

Avenue has worked that side of the street for years, why not us?

 

UNCLE DICK

 

My two favorites always have been their use of the Big Lie

Technique and their aggressive policy of " preventive war " --

attacking a potential enemy in advance of any real threat.

Nothing like the old favorites. I don't have your Third Reich

connections, but we neo-conservatives consider ourselves to be

carrying out the muscular, aggressive theories and policies of

Leo Strauss -- also Ariel Sharon's favorite philosopher, even if

he was German.

 

THE GROPINATOR

 

I guess my dad was a Straussian, without knowing it: He always

liked confronting potential critics threateningly; he loved to

watch them cower in the face of overwhelming power. Who knows?

Maybe that's why I went into bodybuilding and adventure movies.

It's so American! I love how you guys took the concept of

" blitzkrieg " and morphed it into " shock & awe, " or " preventive " war

into " pre-emptive " war. Classic.

 

THE PREZ

 

And we're still in Iraq, as we speak. Works every time.

 

TURD BLOSSOM

 

Did you like what I did with the huge " W " banners at the

election-night celebration? Nothing overt, but just enough

borrowed from the '36 Nurenberg Rally to make a subliminal

impact. Damn, but those guys knew how to do ritual on a grand

scale, how to build emotion-inducing stage sets and flags and

banners, and how hungry ordinary citizens are to be part of

something bigger and nastier and more successful than themselves.

Outright masters! Where's Leni Riefenstahl now that we need her?

 

UNCLE DICK

 

Then you should love what we're doing in the post-Katrina Gulf

States, especially in New Orleans. It's like a grand rehearsal in

case, down the line, we need to use FEMA to round up our enemies,

disarm them of their guns, move them around the country to what

Karl here calls our own free-housing compounds. I mean, there

could be a rebellion in the streets if and when we bomb or invade

another Mideast country, or if impeachment looks like a real

possibility and we have to get creative. We need to be prepared.

 

THE PREZ

 

" Free-housing compounds. " I love that one, Turd Blossom!

 

TURD BLOSSOM

 

Glad someone appreciates my sense of humor; thank you, Mr.

President. On the other hand, I thought Michael Brown was the

perfect patsy to follow our future orders as head of FEMA; but

the guy was so clueless, he blew it big time in New Orleans and

dug a huge political hole for us to climb out of. But we'll do it

-- with him at the bottom of that hole; he's so dumb, he didn't

even know why we were asking for his resignation.

 

I just hope I have enough time left before that reckless Patrick

Fitzgerald guy lowers the indictment boom on us. That turncoat!

But I think I can fix that too; " national security " requires he

back off. I think he's getting the message. The Boy Genius rides

again.

 

But we're going to have to do a lot of education and spinning to

conceal the true nature of FEMA. Most people think of it as the

nation's disaster agency. But as more and more attention gets

focused on it, there's the risk of its other aspects getting out

-- that its more covert function is that of an invisible

government, an enforcement agency beholden to the President that

is above and outside the law. All the more reason to restrict

press access to information and photos in New Orleans and

environs. Time to move on, get our nominees onto the Supreme

Court, no looking backwards, no Blame Game -- mainly 'cause we'd

get blamed for sure.

 

UNCLE DICK

 

What we need right now is for something happening in the world

that would focus the public's attention elsewhere. Are the

Israelis about to bomb the Iran nuke reactor yet? Any hints of an

impending al-Qaida attack in the U.S.? Golden Gate Bridge? Sears

Tower? More anthrax mail? Anything?

 

TURD BLOSSOM

 

I think I'll go re-read the chapter on the Reichstag Fire. #

 

Bernard Weiner, co-editor of Crisis Papers.org, has written

numerous satires and fantasies about the Bush Administration. (

www.crisispapers.org/weinerpubs.htm#fantasies ) A Ph.D. in

government & international relations, he has taught at various

universities and was a writer-editor with the San Francisco

Chronicle. To comment, write >> crisispapers <<.

 

Originally published by Crisis Papers and Democratic Underground

9/13/05

 

Copyright 2005 by Bernard Weiner

 

 

 

 

 

Mark Hull-Richter, U.S. Citizen & Patriot

U.S.A. - From democracy to kakistocracy in one fell coup.

http://www.commondreams.org/views03/0416-01.htm

http://verifiedvoting.org http://blackboxvoting.org

 

 

 

 

 

 

M

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 08:14:35 -0400

Roe vs. Wade

 

 

Q: What does George W. Bush think about Roe versus Wade?

 

A: He didn't really care about how people got out of New Orleans...

 

 

 

 

R

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:01:30 -0700

from the Onion

 

 

The famous English satirists Alexander Pope, John Dryden and Jonathan Swift

would be proud of the guys at The Onion for these pieces of extremely dark

satire... it IS only satire, isn't it..?

 

 

 

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/40525

 

The Onion

 

America's Finest News Source

Halliburton Gets Contract To Pry Gold Fillings From New Orleans Corpses' Teeth

 

Satire

 

September 14, 2005 | Issue 41•37

 

HOUSTON—On Tuesday, Halliburton received a $110 million no-bid government

contract to pry the gold fillings from the mouths of deceased disaster victims

in the New Orleans-Gulf Coast area. " We are proud to serve the government in

this time of crisis by recovering valuable resources from the wreckage of this

deadly storm, " said David J. Lesar, Halliburton's president. " The gold we

recover from the human rubble of Katrina can be used to make fighter-jet

electronics, supercomputer chips, inflation-proof A-grade investments, and

luxury yachting watches. "

 

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