Terror in Tiny Town

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Sun, 11 Sep 2005 22:53:24 -0400

" Greg Palast " <palast

Terror in Tiny Town

 

 

 

 

 

 

TERROR IN TINY TOWN

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Greg Palast reporting from Southold, New York

 

In the War on Terror, we are all on the front lines. Now Southold has

apparently been targeted by Al Qaeda. I'm not surprised.

 

Southold, if you look at a map, is situated at the ass end of nowhere.

We are known for our Strawberry Festival and fire truck parade.

According to the Census, this tiny place is made up almost entirely of

inbred

farmers, real estate speculators and volunteer firemen.

 

At one end of town is the " Brand Names Outlet Mall " and the water-slide

park. At the other end, there's a ferry boat that takes those who feel

lucky to the Indian casino in Connecticut. And in between, there's Main

Street where we hold the Strawberry Festival. (The festival is a quaint

and annoying white-folks' ritual, an opportunity for backstabbing,

petty infighting and all-American small-mindedness. But that's another

story altogether.)

 

Last month, Town Supervisor Josh, with powers granted him by the

Department of Homeland Security, declared a " national security

emergency. "

(Supervisor Josh Horton is called by his first name because he was

elected at the precocious age of 26 -- based, it seems, on his stellar

qualifications: he wears shoes.) In light of the clear and present

threat of

attack, Supervisor Josh ordered every one taking the ferry boat to the

Indian casino to park in the dirt lot across from the Country Store and

not along Route 25.

 

It was just after the London bombings and Supervisor Josh insisted this

was truly a matter of preparing for terrorist attack, though some

locals suspected it was less about Al Qaeda and more about zoning.

Supervisor Josh had been trying all year, unsuccessfully, to change

the zoning

on the dirt lot next to the ferryboat launch from " farming " to " parking "

to boost the town's take from the inebriated gambling tourists. To

scare off both Al Qaeda and parking violators, Josh has posted, care

of the

federal treasury, an SUV at the ferry dock armed with two .50-caliber

machine guns. I kid you not.

 

The ferry to the Indian casino is our officially designated town

" terrorism vulnerability point " (TVP). If you don't pick a " terrorism

vulnerability point, " the town can't get its slice of Homeland

Security loot

from the federal government.

 

All ferry passengers are now asked for their home phone numbers, though

if they are suicide bombers, they will not, after they strike, be able

to answer the phone. No matter.

 

Homeland Security assigned three guardsmen, armed and armored, to the

Vulnerability Point because the town police are a little shorthanded

since the crime wave in the hamlet of Greenport a couple years back. It

involved some petty theft, racial slur complaints and baggies of pot

sold. The crime wave ended when the village disbanded its minuscule

police

force -- which had committed all the crimes.

 

Locals are taking the heightened security at the ferry with patriotic

stoicism. Our local pennysaver printed a letter from John Wronowski

saying, " National security and safety [must be] at the forefront of our

efforts …since September 11, 2001. "

 

Mr. Wronowski owns the ferry boat and parking lot.

 

The paper, The Suffolk Times, interviewed a passenger who bravely

travels to visit his inlaws twice a week. He said, with true grit, " I

am not

afraid. "

 

But I am. What if there's a sleeper cell in Southold? All they have to

do is review the Homeland Security website for the town's Vulnerability

Point and they'll know, " Hit the water slide, Ahmad! The casino ferry's

being watched! "

 

And there's more here that scares me. There's a jug out at the Lickety

Splitz Ice Cream Parlor on Route 25 for the Cennar Family. It seems

that one of the Cennar kids has been diagnosed with some terrible

disease.

Undoubtedly, the doctor bills are killing the family, could bankrupt

them -- and the community jug is out. There's always a jug out for

someone who's ill or got crippled and whose bank account has been

wiped away.

 

And I thought: this is a national security threat. With the lumber yard

shut and the plastics plants gone to China, Al Qaeda could quite easily

gain a couple of recruits in our town: all Bin Laden has to do is offer

health insurance.

 

 

**********

Greg Palast is the author of the New York Times bestseller, The Best

Democracy Money Can Buy. Subscribe to his commentaries at

www.GregPalast.com.

 

 

 

 

 

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