A letter from Bush

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Tue, 23 Aug 2005 23:35:35 -0700

A letter from Bush

 

 

 

 

DIARY OF A MADMAN

Excerpts from important new documents

 

John Chuckman

August 19, 2005

 

The following passages were assembled from shredded paper found in

an

American National Archives dumpster by the Iranian Ambassador. A

team of the

country's best rug craftsmen is said to be working full-time on

puzzling out

the complete text. While some portions of this first batch could not

be

separated from dried globs resembling half-digested pretzels and

spattered

root beer, much remains legible. Authenticity, while not

established, seems

likely since the paper bears White House watermarks. The text

appears to

have been transcribed from recordings with much of the President's

special

flair for language suppressed, although there is a hand-written note

about

not making him sound like some " Eastern puke. "

 

 

Goddam that woman!!! Can't she see I'm having my vacation? Jeez, I'm

the War

President and Commander in Chief of this here whole United States.

Ain't I

entitled to a little R and R without being bothered? I get mighty

tired

spending ten and half months a year being President. Talking to damn

foreigners and asshole reporters, trying not to doze off in

briefings I

couldn't give a shit about, staying up past nine o'clock and missing

my

favorite T.V. shows. God, they ought to know I never held down a

regular job

in my life!

 

Ain't she got nothing better to do than standing around with her

damned flag

like no one else was a good enough American? Anyway, you can't be a

good

enough American when you don't support the War President. That goes

without

saying.

 

Boy, I'd like to send a bunch of Teamsters in there to bust her gang

up a

little. That's what old Dick Nixon would do. But the V.P. says

there's other

ways to bust her up. He's working on it right now. He said he might

bring in

that cement mixer wife of his as special White House consultant.

She's

enough to scare the bejesus out of anyone.

 

I told the whole goddamn staff that cost is no object on this one.

Hell, the

Party spent a fortune trying to get that weasel pervert Clinton.

They bought

up his damned antique chair and had all the stains tested for DNA

before

burning it. They even gave some woman a nose job for testifying.

They can't

do less for the War President.

 

I just heard Karl put out the word on her! Karl's friends will make

her

sorry she ever messed around with the War President. Them people of

his is

like a posse in the last stages of rabies! God bless Karl. He's a

mighty

good man. I don't care what he did to that other bitch at the CIA.

 

I got feelings, too, whatever they say. Ain't nobody got more

feelings about

them boys than me. Fact is I get downright sick of hearing about

dead

Marines. I can't enjoy my supper. Spoils my T.V. watching, I'll tell

you.

Costs votes every damn time a bunch goes and gets themselves blown

up. I

know what they're going through! Haven't I been through hell? I'm

still

suffering withdrawal symptoms at least as bad as any damn combat

flashbacks.

 

I'm a man that knows fear, that's for sure. I run away from more

shit than I

can remember. I don't know how many times I nearly crapped my pants

caught

goofing off. Now, I got to spend my vacation looking like I'm

sitting

through an Easter sermon.

 

Dick says she's nuts and he's right. Dick's always right. Family

values got

nothing to do with nut cases. Half them people out there with her

look like

the weirdoes I used to throw the switch on when I was Governor. I

should

have got rid of more of them pukes when I had the chance!

 

What's the matter with Tony? He can't even make that wife of his

shut her

mouth!!! Can't he see how Laura's trained? Tony's wife opens her

mouth and

you can see the goddam fillings in her molars. And she dresses like

a bus

driver's wife going to a fancy restaurant for the first time. I

swear I

don't think she's wearing a girdle half the time. Laura flutters her

eyelashes and gives her little lines like a pro. And she looks right

for the

job with a girdle as stiff as a Marine flak jacket, wearing them

Laura

Ashley pilgrim suits with lacey stuff. They cost a fortune, custom-

made, but

I'll tell you, they're worth every penny.

 

I confess I do sometimes get worried about them girls of ours having

a few

too many in some bar one night and saying something that ought to

stay

strictly in the family. Oh, they do take after their old man that

way, I

mean about having one too many. Ha, ha. Though they better not go

trying

some of what the old man did. Girls don't table dance naked, least

not no

girls of mine. Other girls is just fine. But we got plenty of Secret

Service

on them, trained to yank them home faster than Homeland Security

hitting the

button on another terror alert.

 

Can't a Brit tell a Brazil from an Iraq? You go doing that kind of

thing and

next thing you know they'll have every damned homeless person like

Cindy

Sheehan marching in London. Why can't Tony just throw suspect scum

in jail

same as we do? Hell, you don't need to go telling anyone. Let them

rot and

everyone's happy is what I say.

 

Is Tony running a government or some damned tourist information

booth?

What's all the leaks over there? Goddam top secret stuff spilling

out all

over the place!!! Good thing most Americans don't read. That's a

fact that's

saved my sorry ass more than once.