NewsTarget Insider: new FDA jobs (satire)

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/\/ewsTarget Insider: new FDA jobs (satire)

Sat, 13 Aug 2005 14:19:21 -0700

 

 

 

 

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Got a fun one for you this weekend: a satire piece on new job

opportunities at the FDA. Feel free to forward or post.

-- NewsTarget.com

 

 

Need a job? NewsTarget.com has just received word on several openings

for cushy jobs with the FDA. Why keep working in powerless civilian

positions when you can get paid by the government and wield power over

others! Here's what the agency is looking for:

 

PROPAGANDA OFFICER

No scientific background necessary. As a Propaganda Officer, you will

help the FDA invent and dispense information that discredits products,

companies and ideas that threaten FDA control over the monopolistic

drug industry. Previous experience in a pharmaceutical company

preferred. A background in public relations, communications or used

car sales is a plus.

 

Career opportunities abound at the FDA, and it's easy to succeed with

this job since the mainstream press will print practically anything

you say, regardless of whether it makes any scientific sense, as long

as it's on official FDA letterhead. Starting salary: $75,000 plus a

license to kill any idea (or health business) you don't like.

 

SCIENCE CENSOR

Have a scientific background? Put it to good use at the FDA as a

respected Science Censor. Your job will be to bury all the scientific

findings that harm the prestige and credibility of the FDA. Your main

job is making sure all the drugs we've approved continue to be seen as

safe, even when clinical studies reveal otherwise.

 

A variety of high-tech tools will be at your disposal. You'll have

direct phone lines to all the medical journals, a team of paralegals

to generate legal threats, and you'll even have your own personal

shredder right beside the incoming fax machines where doctors fax

voluntary drug side effects reports. Help us keep dangerous drugs on

the market for as long as possible, and you'll earn big performance

bonuses!

 

Starting salary is $35,000 from the FDA, plus a $250,000 annual bonus

paid by various drug companies, based on merit.

 

CHIEF OPPRESSION OFFICER

Ever wanted to carry a gun? Now you can wield power as an FDA

employee, conducting armed raids on clinics where dangerous criminals

are conducting illicit operations like healing people with prayer or

teaching patients about nutrition. You can even raid buses full of

senior citizens returning from medication-buying trips in Canada or

Mexico! Previous military experience is a plus, ex-Gitmo interrogators

preferred. (Duct tape and broomsticks provided upon request.)

 

No scientific or medical knowledge required, since you don't really

need to understand the reasons why you're conducting armed raids. Just

follow management's orders, and we'll hand you a gun and a badge, all

in the name of protecting the public from the criminals of alternative

medicine.

 

Starting salary is $65,000 plus all the free Prozac you can swallow.

(Antidepressant side effects are a plus in your line of work.)

 

KICKBACK COORDINATOR

As the Kickback Coordinator, your job is to keep tabs on FDA

managers' investments in pharmaceutical companies. You will maximize

investment portfolios, produce reports that identify which drugs the

FDA should approve next in order to boost shareholder profits, and

serve as a courier for illicit cash exchanges.

 

There is no starting salary, but you do get a percentage of the

kickbacks you manage. Criminal background preferred, mob ties are a

plus.

 

MORALE OFFICER

The FDA's morale has been harmed lately by utterly false accusations

from certain FDA whistleblowers. As a Morale Officer, your job will be

to keep all FDA employees in line as a way of boosting overall morale

and work efficiency. It's good for the economy!

 

To enforce proper morale among FDA employees, especially those

involved in drug safety operations, you will be granted insider access

to top-secret FDA technologies currently under development, including

our " Graham buster " verbal silencer (patents pending) and a

building-wide subliminal program broadcast system. " All profitable

drugs are safe... All profitable drugs are safe... "

 

Salary: $85,000 plus free unlimited cable television.

 

CANADA BASHER

Do you share our hatred for those snooty Socialist Canadians? Join

the FDA as a full-time Canada basher, and get paid to do what you love

best: insult Canada!

 

As you may know, the free market sales of prescription drugs from

Canada threatens the FDA-controlled monopoly market for drugs in the U.

S. We need help to discredit Canada so that gullible U.S. consumers

will distrust Canadian pharmacies and keeping shelling out their

hard-earned cash at overpriced U.S. pharmacies (which we regulate and

control, of course).

 

We already have a few old tricks to assist you in this job, like

claiming that terrorists will poison all the drugs in Canada. You will

have to come up with other strategies like claiming that Canadian

pharmacies have no quality control, unlike U.S. pharmacies where

pharmacists never, ever make mistakes.

 

Salary: $45,000 plus unlimited free drugs from Canada.

 

PUBLIC SAFETY PROGRAM DIRECTOR

In this role, you will actually work to protect the public from

unsafe ingredients in foods, drugs and cosmetics. This is not really a

full-time job. In fact, you do not even need to show up.

 

No experience necessary, in anything. No education required. Starting

salary is minimum wage. You must bring your own desk to work, if you

want one. That is, if you actually want to work at all.

 

HOW TO APPLY

Are you qualified for one or more of these prestigious positions at

the FDA? Apply online at the FDA website, and if hired, you could soon

wield government-sanctioned power over your fellow citizens. It's a

dream job, with outstanding job security. As long as you can help us

make sure people never have access to genuine healing therapies,

you'll always have a job with us!

 

 

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