JOKES

[Guest guest]

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes

convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph

and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he

had left on his head.

 

" This is great, " he thought as he roared down I-75. He

pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his

rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind

him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

 

" I can get away from him with no problem " thought the man

and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over

100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph!

 

Then he thought, " What am I doing? I'm too old for this

kind of thing. " He pulled over to the side of the road and

waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

 

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to

the man " Sir, " he said, looking at his watch. " My shift

ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a

reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before,

I'll let you go. "

 

The man looked at the trooper and said, " Years ago my wife

ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you

were bringing her back. "

 

The trooper replied, " Sir, have a nice day. "

...........................

 

My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on

our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, " Take

it, Max, " as he flipped on the cruise control during long

trips in our station wagon.

 

Recently, I was travelling with my parents in their new car

when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned

back and said, " I think I'll let Tom drive for a while. "

 

" Tom who? " I asked.

 

My mother translated for me: " Tom Cruise, of course. "

................

 

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about

churches around the country. He started by flying to San

Francisco and worked east from there. Going to a very large

church, he began taking photographs and notes. He spotted a

golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a

sign which read: " $10,000 a minute. " Seeking out the Pastor

he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor explained

that the golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven

and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The

man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way.As he

continued to visit churches in Seattle, San Diego, Chicago,

Greensboro, Tampa and all around the United States, he found

more phones with the same sign and got the same answer from

each Pastor.

 

Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church in

Dallas, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS

time, the sign read: " Calls: 35 cents. " Fascinated, he asked

to talk to the Pastor.

 

" Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and

in each church I have found this golden telephone. I have

been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could

talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a

minute. Your sign reads 35 cents. Why? "

 

The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied, " Son, you're in

Texas now... It's a local call. "

.....................

 

One of the pups in a breeder's litter of collies had a

strange appetite, fostered no doubt, because the dog fancier's

kennel was deep in the southern United States.

 

The odd youngster spurned regular dog food, no meaty

tid-bits could tempt him and he hated dog biscuits. just in time

to save the little dog's life, the owner found he would eat

nothing but watermelons.

 

He doted on them. His brother pups could not understand

this and they teased him unmercifully. He became the butt of

their pranks until his tail would droop and he would whimper

and shiver in a corner.

 

His mother, trying to comfort him, called him to her. She

said, ... " Come to me, my melon collie baby. "

..............

 

 

Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor

instead of a policeman.

 

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

 

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

 

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

 

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for

me.

 

An escalator never breaks . . . it only becomes stairs

 

When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for

patience.

 

The secret of success is to know something nobody else

knows.

 

What will today's younger generation tell their children

they had to do " without " ?

 

If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.

 

18 out of 10 schizophrenics agree

 

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

 

Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in front

of you.

 

Today is the last day of your life, so far.

 

No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking

questions.

 

People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

 

One half of the world will never understand the other half

and it doesn't matter which half you're in.

 

I've discovered the whole problem with the National Debt.

Most of us work 5 days a week and the government spends 7.

 

You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it

sticks out its neck.

 

No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.

 

The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people

can't hold it.

 

The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he

isn't.

 

If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them

around.

 

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

 

The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has the

plane fare to leave.

..........................

 

The two teenagers were arrested. The police sergeant told them they were

entitled to a phone call. Some time later a man entered the station and asked

for them by name.

The sergeant said, " I suppose you're the lawyer? "

" Nope, " the chap replied. " I'm just here to deliver their pizza. "

--

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

" I'm really hungry, " said the first one. " Let's fly down and find some lunch. "

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that

was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

" I m so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree, " said the first

one.

" Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun, " said the second.

" OK, " said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner had they fallen asleep, when

a big fat tomcat came

around and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

" I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS. "

..........................

A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th

hole of the country club at 10 o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his

wife alive again.

He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some

bushes and growled, " What the hell took ya so long ? You're over two hours

late. "

" Hey ! Give me a break. " whined the Yuppie. " I have a 27 handicap. "

......................

My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.

One of the rules of the company is that he has to comfirm each appointment by

phone the night before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said,

" Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us. "

There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end

say, " Honey, it's for you....someone wants to talk to you about your relatives. "

 

 

 

" When the power of love becomes stronger than the love of power, we will have

peace. "

Jimi Hendrix