DARWIN WAS WRONG By David Podvin - PRICELESS!

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DARWIN

WAS WRONG

 

 

By David Podvin

 

Chimpanzees do not select the least intelligent and most hapless of the group

to be their leader. They do not passively tolerate his ruining their standard

of living and their environment. They do not mindlessly follow him off on a

bloody crusade just because he spins fanciful yarns about bananas of mass

destruction. Chimps are too smart to fall for such transparent nonsense.

 

When a gorilla goes around ignorantly grabbing the breasts of the lady

gorillas, he does not subsequently win a special election to become Top Regional

Ape, especially when none of the rest can understand what the hell he is trying

to say. A gorilla who treats females with contempt incurs the wrath of the

community and gets bitten and hit prior to being launched headfirst into a pile

of

hippo poop, which is exactly as it should be.

 

Consider the reaction of orangutans when one of them does not notice for

several weeks that her mother is dead yet shamelessly condemns the family values

of all the orangutans who are single moms. Why, they hoot derisively while

displaying naked photographs of her that they have downloaded from the Internet.

 

And every time an insufferably pompous baboon acts holier-than-thou only to

have it discovered that he pays $1200 an hour to be spanked by a whore, the

other baboons take his poorly written “Book of Virtues†and cram it up his

ass.

 

Contrast the wise reactions of these primates with the behavior of the Texas

Republican Party, which (at least theoretically) is populated by human beings.

Lone Star conservatives have called for abolishing the separation between

church and state in favor of having a Christian society. They have taken this

position because as every person of faith is aware only bible-based parenting

can

provide the peace of mind that comes with knowing one’s drunken daughter is

groveling on all fours while doing “Da Butt Danceâ€.

 

The Texas Republicans want to criminalize gay sex, a prohibition that if

strictly enforced will make the next National Rifle Association Convention look

like a ghost town. They also insist that the law must preclude any child from

being left alone with a homosexual. This demand has been interpreted by

knowledgeable observers as being a gratuitous slap at Ralph Reed.

 

The Texas Republicans want to outlaw abortion, and that goes double when the

life of the mother is at risk.

 

The Texas Republicans want to repeal the income tax and replace it with… no

federal tax. This change in the code could cause the budget deficit to rise

ever so slightly, although the Laffer Curve indicates exactly the opposite.

 

The Texas Republicans want to eliminate the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and

Firearms; the position of Surgeon General; the Environmental Protection Agency;

and the Departments of Housing and Urban Development, Health and Human

Services, Energy, Education, Commerce, and Labor, among others. In their places,

the

right wing Texans propose totally unrestricted access to alcohol and tobacco,

automatic weapons for everybody (finally!), the honor system for

pharmaceutical and energy conglomerates, low cost housing in the form of

discarded

refrigerator containers, universal access to faith healers, increased social

acceptance of illiteracy, and laissez faire corporate plunder. In other words,

the Bush

agenda.

 

The Texas Republicans want to eliminate Social Security. Senior citizens who

lack sufficient resources to survive would be provided with a warm hug and a

discount coupon from the mortuary of their choice.

 

The Texas Republicans want to abolish minimum wage laws that inhibit

prosperity as they strive to copy the much-ballyhooed “Bangladeshi Economic

Miracleâ€.

 

The Texas Republicans want to confiscate the Panama Canal and rename it the

American Canal. If all goes according to plan, this policy of eminent domain

will ultimately expand to include the scenic American Channel and the

picturesque American Riviera, not to mention the ancient Great Wall of America.

 

The Texas Republicans want the United States out of the United Nations and

the United Nations out of the United States. How? Well, we got this problem with

foreigners, see, and we got sixty-five thousand nuclear warheads just sittin’

around gatherin’ dust…

 

The Texas Republicans want public schools to teach Creation Science, which

for the uninitiated is the academically verified theory that mindlessly

parroting superstitious bullshit is the highest form of human intellectual

endeavor.

 

It is hard for liberals to admit mistakes, and never more so than when the

admission involves apologizing to religious conservatives. Yet honesty dictates

that such an acknowledgement must be made, however belatedly.

 

Charles Darwin was wrong.

 

Any theory that contends Texas Republicans evolved from monkeys is

implausible, blasphemous, and just plain stupid.

 

Clearly, it was the other way around.

 

 

 

" Those who want the Government to regulate matters of the mind and spirit

are like men who are so afraid of being murdered

that they commit suicide to avoid assassination. "

President Harry S. Truman