Guest guest Posted July 16, 2005 Report Share Posted July 16, 2005 Sat, 16 Jul 2005 03:31:58 -0700 (PDT) D Lighter Side The accident Happened Like This....... Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. --- I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it. --- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. --- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. --- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. --- In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. --- I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car. --- The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end. --- I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows. --- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. --- I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. --- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. --- As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. --- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. --- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. --- I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull. --- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him. --- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. -=== Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: " And what do you think is the best thing about being 104? " the reporter asked. She simply replied, " No peer pressure. " --------- A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, " Doc, I want my sex drive lowered. " " Sir " , replied the doctor, " You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head? " " You're darned right it is! " replied the old man. " That's why I want it lowered! " --------- Three old guys are out walking. First one says, " Windy, isn't it? " Second one says, " No, it's Thursday! " Third one says, " So am I. Let's go get a beer. " --------- A man was telling his neighbor, " I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect. " " Really, " answered the neighbor. " What kind is it? " " Twelve thirty. " --------- Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, " You're really doing great, aren't you? " Morris replied, " Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' " The doctor said, " I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful. == I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising... I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. == A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll just beat him to death. == Top Joke in Northern Ireland A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'. 'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient. The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'. 'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?' The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'. Top Joke in Scotland I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers. Top joke in UK A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: " That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh! " The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: " The driver just insulted me! " The man says: " You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you. Top joke in USA A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: " Yeah, well we were married for 35 years. " Top joke in Canada When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Top joke in Australia This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: " Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor? " The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: " Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight.... " THE WINNING JOKE A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: " My friend is dead! What can I do? " The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: " Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. " There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: " OK, now what? " SECOND PLACE Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. " Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. " " I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes " replies Watson. " And what do you deduce from that? " Watson ponders for a minute. " Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful , and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes? " Holmes is silent for a moment. " Watson, you idiot! " he says. " Someone has stolen our tent! " Top Joke Two weasels are sitting on a barstool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, " I slept with your mother! " The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, " I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER! " The other says, " Go home dad you're drunk. " == Classic Definitions and Cool Meanings Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through " the minds of either " . Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine water-power .. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on. Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead. Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says midway " See I am not injured yet. " Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills. Computer Engineer: Someone who gets paid for reading these type of mails. == Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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