YOUCH

[Guest guest]

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with,

" Hi! I'm Belinda! "

This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one

side and crooned, " All I need you to do is step into this room right here,

strip to the waist, then slip on this

gown. Everything clearrrr? "

 

I'm thinking, " Belinda--try decaf. This ain't rocket science. "

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine.

 

It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than

60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of

sugar and spice and everything nice....it's Spandex. We can be

stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and

still pop back into shape.

 

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and

said, " Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can

get everything? "

" Fine " , I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air,so why not use

the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

 

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob

wedged between those two 4 " pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt

a zap! Complete darkness

and the power went off! " What? " I yelled.

" Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag. "

 

Belinda headed for the door.

" Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you? " I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, " Oh, you fussy puppy ... the door's wide open

so you'll have the emergency hall lights.

I'll be righttttt backkkk. "

Before I could shout " NOOOO! " she disappeared. And that's exactly how

Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked

and part of me dangling from the

Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite, " Hi, how's it going? " type greetings, Bubba (or

possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

 

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness

as possible. " Uh, yes, yes, I did. Thanks. "

" You bet, take care " Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been

standing in the line at the grocery store.

 

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no

attempt to suppress her amusement, she said,

" Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you!

And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset? "

 

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the

clamps........

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

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