The Onion, January 18, 2001, Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity

[Guest guest]

Some of you may be familar with " The Onion " . It is a satirical news

magazine in a similar vien as the " Late Show " on TV.

 

Here is an article from January, 18, 2001. Boy, talk about prediciting

the future. It is a very sad day when more truth is found in the

output of satire and that of the major media is mainly fiction.

 

 

http://chak.org/pages/onion/bush_nightmare.html

 

This article is copyright The Onion, January 18, 2001, reprinted with

permission

 

 

Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over. "

 

WASHINGTON, DC—Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the

door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush

assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that " our long

national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over. "

 

" My fellow Americans, " Bush said, " at long last, we have reached the

end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known

as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented

economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace

overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us. "

 

Bush swore to do " everything in [his] power " to undo the damage

wrought by Clinton's two terms in office, including selling off the

national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop

expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping

budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the

street.

 

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the

severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring

citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level

armed conflict in the next four years.

 

" You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some

point during my administration, " said Bush, who plans a 250 percent

boost in military spending. " Unlike my predecessor, I am fully

committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is

the point of even having a military? "

 

On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnationby

implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession,

which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in

consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the

recession even further.

 

Wall Street responded strongly to the Bush speech, with the Dow Jones

industrial fluctuating wildly before closing at an 18-month low. The

NASDAQ composite index, rattled by a gloomy outlook for tech stocks in

2001, also fell sharply, losing 4.4 percent of its total value between

3 p.m. and the closing bell.

 

Asked for comment about the cooling technology sector, Bush said:

" That's hardly my area of expertise. "

 

Turning to the subject of the environment, Bush said he will do

whatever it takes to undo the tremendous damage not done by the

Clinton Administration to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. He

assured citizens that he will follow through on his campaign promise

to open the 1.5 million acre refuge's coastal plain to oil drilling.

As a sign of his commitment to bringing about a change in the

environment, he pointed to his choice of Gale Norton for Secretary of

the Interior. Norton, Bush noted, has " extensive experience " fighting

environmental causes, working as a lobbyist for lead-paint

manufacturers and as an attorney for loggers and miners, in addition

to suing the EPA to overturn clean-air standards.

 

Bush had equally high praise for Attorney General nominee John

Ashcroft, whom he praised as " a tireless champion in the battle to

protect a woman's right to give birth. "

 

" Soon, with John Ashcroft's help, we will move out of the Dark Ages

and into a more enlightened time when a woman will be free to think

long and hard before trying to fight her way past throngs of

protesters blocking her entrance to an abortion clinic, " Bush said.

" We as a nation can look forward to lots and lots of babies. "

A

bove: Soldiers at Ft. Bragg march lockstep in preparation for

America's return to aggression.

Above: Soldiers at Ft. Bragg march lockstep in preparation for

America's return to aggression.

 

Continued Bush: " John Ashcroft will be invaluable in healing the

terrible wedge President Clinton drove between church and state. "

 

The speech was met with overwhelming approval from Republican leaders.

 

" Finally, the horrific misrule of the Democrats has been brought to a

close, " House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert (R-IL) told reporters.

" Under Bush, we can all look forward to military aggression,

deregulation of dangerous, greedy industries, and the defunding of

vital domestic social-service programs upon which millions depend.

Mercifully, we can now say goodbye to the awful nightmare that was

Clinton's America. "

 

" For years, I tirelessly preached the message that Clinton must be

stopped, " conservative talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh said. " And yet,

in 1996, the American public failed to heed my urgent warnings,

re-electing Clinton despite the fact that the nation was prosperous

and at peace under his regime. But now, thank God, that's all done

with. Once again, we will enjoy mounting debt, jingoism, nuclear

paranoia, mass deficit, and a massive military build-up. "

 

An overwhelming 49.9 percent of Americans responded enthusiastically

to the Bush speech.

 

" After eight years of relatively sane fiscal policy under the

Democrats, we have reached a point where, just a few weeks ago,

President Clinton said that the national debt could be paid off by as

early as 2012, " Rahway, NJ, machinist and father of three Bud Crandall

said. " That's not the kind of world I want my children to grow up in. "

 

" You have no idea what it's like to be black and enfranchised, " said

Marlon Hastings, one of thousands of Miami-Dade County residents whose

votes were not counted in the 2000 presidential election. " George W.

Bush understands the pain of enfranchisement, and ever since Election

Day, he has fought tirelessly to make sure it never happens to my

people again. "

 

Bush concluded his speech on a note of healing and redemption.

 

" We as a people must stand united, banding together to tear this

nation in two, " Bush said. " Much work lies ahead of us: The gap

between the rich and the poor may be wide, be there's much more

widening left to do. We must squander our nation's hard-won budget

surplus on tax breaks for the wealthiest 15 percent. And, on the

foreign front, we must find an enemy and defeat it. "

 

" The insanity is over, " Bush said. " After a long, dark night of peace

and stability, the sun is finally rising again over America. We look

forward to a bright new dawn not seen since the glory days of my dad. "