Lawn health warning: screen your lawn for Brown's Grass Disease and grasseoporos

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http://www.newstarget.com/008472.html

 

 

 

Friday, July 01, 2005

Lawn health warning: screen your lawn for Brown's Grass Disease and

grasseoporosis

 

 

 

 

Last week, I reported on taking my car to the doctor and how my doctor

taught me that the car actually has certain automobile health diseases

that need to be treated. I learned all about the big con of the

prevention industry -- the people who change your oil and who flush

out your transmission fluid, and all these other con artists out there

to try to " prevent " car problems. Thankfully, my doctor completely

reeducated me about the truth about automobile health. I thought,

" That's great. I learned so much from this guy. Let's talk to him

about the health of my lawn. "

 

I've been having some lawn problems, and I'm spending a fortune trying

to get people to come over and take care of my lawn. I think they were

overcharging me. I was so impressed by this doctor that I thought he

might be able to help me out. I took in a patch of grass to the

doctor, and explained that my lawn was turning brown in the summer. I

didn't know why, but the color just changed. It was green in the

spring, then it turned brown.

 

" Am I doing something wrong? Does it maybe need more water? " I asked

my doctor. " No Mike. Your lawn has Brown's Grass Disease, " he responded.

 

He said, " It's very common. It's all over the country, all around the

world, in fact. You'd be amazed how many people have Brown's Grass

Disease, and usually it's undiagnosed, " he said. " Wow, that's kind of

scary, " I said. " Yes, what we know in the medical community is that

this is a pigmentation disorder, " he explained. It has a genetic

origin, in fact, because all grass pigments are based on genetics, " he

said. He also said that it was cyclical, and that at certain times of

the year, certain species of grass will actually just change their color.

 

The brown grass was a genetic disorder

So it was a genetic disorder, and I never knew that! All these years,

there I was, spraying it with the hose like an idiot, putting water on

the lawn just like everybody else, thinking, " Oh, that's going to make

it healthy. " I never knew this was actually a genetic disorder.

 

It was a good thing my doctor squared me away on that. He said, " Look

here, take this bottle. You're going to spray this on your grass. " I

asked, " Well, what's in this bottle? " He replied, " It's green

pigmentation, " " Really? Like the green pigmentation that the grass

needs? Is that what this is? " I asked. " Yes, it's green pigmentation, "

he replied. " So, it's like paint? " I asked. He said, " Yes, it's kind

of like spray paint but it's more. It's from the medical community,

and it's been proven safe on your lawn. When you use this medicine on

your grass, it will turn green! "

 

Wow! All this time, I'd been wasting precious water on the lawn. All I

needed to do was buy this can of green pigmentation and spray the

lawn. This apparently was the solution. I asked, " Well, how much is

it? " And he said, " It's about $100 per bottle. " " Whoa, " I said,

" That's kind of expensive for a lawn. " He said, " Don't worry, your

homeowner's insurance might cover it. "

 

Curing my lawn of Brown's Grass Disease

I took the treatment home and sprayed it on the grass. Sure enough, it

was green! Just like that. I couldn't believe it, I was amazed. I

thought, " Brown's Grass Disease has been solved by my doctor and the

medical community. These people really know their stuff. "

 

I started driving around, noticing that all my neighbors had Brown's

Grass Disease as well, but they didn't even know it. I went back to my

doctor and said, " Apparently, this disease is contagious, because the

two yards next to mine also have it. " As the summer progressed, the

disease kept on spreading. It just went from one yard to another,

because these people didn't have the medicine that I had. I was out

there knocking on my neighbors' doors, saying, " You know, you have

Brown's Grass Disease! You need to go see my doctor. He'll give you

some stuff for it. Trust me, it solves it. Come over and look at my

lawn. It's green! Not like your brown grass lawn. " But they didn't

listen. They're out there spraying water like a bunch of idiots.

 

Everything went along fine for a few weeks. My lawn was nice and

green, even though I'd spent $5000 on this pigmentation product. But I

had the best lawn in the neighborhood. Everyone else was out there

wasting their time, spraying water. People even bought watering

devices that keep on watering. It was just a complete waste.

 

Everything went fine for a while, then something went wrong. I was

mowing my green grass, and I realized that it hadn't really grown very

much. But I tried to mow it anyway. As I mowed it, I realized that it

was all disintegrating and blowing away. It was almost as if the mower

was just chopping up all the grass and spitting it out. I thought that

this was pretty strange. I knew that grass was supposed to grow, and

it should eventually get tall enough to mow. But this grass wasn't

growing at all.

 

I gathered up a handful of this grass, and went back to my doctor,

because the guy was really great and knew everything about cars and

lawns. I asked him, " What's going on? Before, we had Brown's Grass

Disease, which we solved. What do we have now? "

 

Diagnosis: grasseoporosis

He looked at the grass under a microscope and said, " The structural

integrity of this grass has been compromised. " I said, " Oh my God! Was

it something I did? Did I not spray enough green pigmentation on it,

or something? " He said, " No, it's not your fault. This is something we

also commonly see. It's called grasseoporosis. It means that the grass

is becoming more porous and the cellulose structure of the grass

blades are disintegrating and becoming brittle. "

 

I'd never heard of this, but he said, " Listen, take a seat. Mike,

grasseoporosis is a disease that causes grass to become brittle. If

you don't treat it early enough, the grass can actually break. If the

wind blows, or you go over it with the mower, it will destroy the

grass. " He further said, " It's good that you came to me now, because

we caught it early. We can give you something for this problem, but

you're going to have to use it every day on the lawn in order to

restore the structural integrity of that grass. "

 

I was relieved to hear that. I didn't want to lose the whole lawn. I

said, " Okay, but what is this stuff, and what's it going to cost? " He

said, " Here's what it is. There's another can that you spray on your

grass, which is kind of like a glue. It holds the grass together, and

prevents grasseoporosis from progressing. Here, take this can. Each

one of those cans is a couple of hundred dollars, by the way. "

 

By this time, I'd already put so much money into treating Brown's

Grass Disease that I figured I might as well just spend some more and

get it all right. I want my lawn to be healthy, so what's a few

hundred more dollars? I went ahead and bought some more cans of the

grasseoporosis treatment.

 

But I was concerned about side effects, so I asked him, " Is this safe

to be really be putting on a lawn? " The doctor said, " Yes, no problem.

We have reps from the manufacturer who come here all the time and give

us their safety data. They've done a dozen different clinical trials

on this, and all the trials have come out positive. The lawns will be

perfectly fine. This is fully approved by federal regulators.

Everybody's okay with this, and everybody's using it. Go ahead and use

it. " I said, " Okay, no problem. I'll take this home and start spraying

this on the lawn. "

 

Treating the grasseoporosis

I took the treatment home and started spraying it. Sure enough, it was

a kind of liquid, glue-like substance. I coated the grass with this

glue, and it was supposed to dry overnight. The next morning, the lawn

was not only green, since we had solved the Brown's Grass Disease

problem, but the grass was now intact and was no longer being blown

away. I went out and walked on it. It was a bit crunchy, but it stayed

in place. It was pretty much what I wanted. I was happy so far.

 

Everything was okay for a few more days, until it rained one day. No

one had told me that one of the side effects of this grasseoporosis

treatment apparently is that it forms a giant glob of gelatinous,

glue-like substance that will ooze downhill when it rains. As it

happened, my driveway was downhill from the lawn. There was a giant

mass of superglue rolling across my driveway. As I was backing my car

out of the driveway, it got stuck right there in the grasseoporosis

glob. It was pretty bad stuff.

 

Now I had car trouble again; but of course, I knew who to go to. I

also had another rain problem. When it rained, it actually took all

the grass with it. So there was this huge glob of gooey, glue-like

substance rolling across my driveway, with pretty much the whole lawn

in there. It kept on moving downhill. When I looked at my hill, there

was nothing but dirt and little stubbles of grass. The grass refused

to grow, as it turned out. The lawn was gone, basically.

 

The grass transplant

I went back to my doctor and said, " Doc, something terrible has

happened. I feel like I didn't come to you soon enough, or perhaps I

didn't follow the directions on these medications, but the whole lawn

is gone. It's gone! I did everything. When it had Brown's Grass

Disease, we treated that. When it had grasseoporosis, we caught that

early and tried to treat. Right, Doc? We did everything, but when it

rained, the whole lawn just got swept away. "

 

He said, " Now, I was afraid this might happen. Mike, it's a good thing

you came to me. You're going to need a grass transplant. We're going

to put some new grass in there and take out all that old grass. " He

also said, " This is going to be expensive, since there's a lot

involved. We have to surgically remove the old grass and implant new

grass and make sure everything works again. " I said, " What's this

going to cost me now? I'm halfway broke now, because I've been

spending hundreds of dollars on grasseoporosis and the Brown's Grass

treatments. " He said, " This will cost about $100,000. I don't think

that your homeowners insurance is going to cover all of this. "

 

I decided I was going to have to mortgage the house, and took out a

second mortgage. I said, " You know, the lawn is worth it. I'm going to

go all the way on this. Let's do the grass transplant surgery. Let's

do it! We don't really have any other choice here. Let's put in a

whole new lawn and we'll start over. Hopefully, the new one won't have

Brown's Grass Disease. "

 

Sure enough, he brought over a team, and they put on their masks and

their surgical coats. They brought these really huge scalpels, and

they dug up what was left of the old lawn. Afterwards, they put in a

whole new lawn that was green. It was green from day one. Apparently,

it wasn't suffering from Brown's Grass Disease, or perhaps they had

already treated it with the pigmentation. I'm now paying off the new

lawn with monthly payments.

 

Get your lawn screened early

I just wanted to share this, because I think a lot of people out there

have the same health problems with their lawns that I experienced.

Don't wait: get your lawn screened for Brown's Grass Disease and

grasseoporosis. If you can find out about this early enough, you

hopefully can prevent these diseases from advancing too aggressively.

 

Believe me, you don't want to see Brown's Grass Disease. It is ugly.

You don't want to see grasseoporosis, either. That is very difficult

to treat. When it rains, you don't want to be anywhere near that glue.

Believe me! You can get your car stuck in that thing. It's like

walking through molasses. It also gives off lots of fumes. It's not

pretty. So get your lawn screened today and catch this early.

 

Beware of lawn care con artists and useless " watering " gadgets

Don't let these lawn care maintenance companies fool you into thinking

that they can come along and spray it with water and solve your lawn

health problems. That's a silly idea, like " water as medicine " or

something. It's ridiculous. If water was so good, why was the lawn

killed when it rained? If water was good, the rain should have been

good for it, right? But that's not what happened. So these people

can't fool me. I know my doctor. He's a bright guy; he taught me the

truth about this. He really knows about lawn health. And he told me

that I'm just wasting my money on watering my lawn. " Expensive lawn

urine, " he called it.

 

Hopefully the new lawn transplant will take. Apparently, lawns

sometimes reject new transplants. I didn't know that either. I'm

currently spraying some medication on the lawn to try to make sure

there's no rejection, That's expensive also, but what the heck. I've

already mortgaged the house. Why not just go all the way? If that goes

well, then the lawn will take root, and we'll have a brand new lawn in

place. My neighbors will be envious...

 

In a few months, I hope to report back to you that that's what we've

found. In the meantime, watch out for those lawn care scammers out

there! And stop wasting water on your lawns, people. It's completely

bogus, a bunch of hogwash. It's environmentally irresponsible, too. I

learned from the doctors that you don't need to do any of that. All

you need to do is get your lawn screened early, tested for these

diseases, and treated with approved lawn medications.

 

To help spread the word, I'm currently contacting some celebrities to

see if they will do some public service announcements urging people to

get their lawns screened for these diseases. People believe celebrities.

 

Help find the cure for grasseoporosis

Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention: I'm organizing a 10k run to raise

money to find the cure for grasseoporosis. You can sign up at

www.Stupid-Sheeple-Running-For-Bogus-Cures.com.

 

I'm also going to sell $2 brown bracelets you can wear on your wrist.

All the proceeds will go to support the Brown's Grass Disease

Foundation. My doctor is on the board of directors there, so you know

it's a good organization doing good work for society. They're hoping

to find a cure within five years.

 

Overview:

 

* Lawn health warning: screen your lawn for Brown's Grass Disease

and grasseoporosis

 

Source: http://www.newstarget.com/008472.html