Job Description

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Sun, 19 Jun 2005 08:36:21 -0700 (PDT)

Job Description

 

 

 

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed

for challenging permanent work in an often

chaotic environment. Candidates must possess

excellent communication and organizational skills

and be willing to work various hours, which will

include evenings and weekends and frequent 24

hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel

required, including trips to primitive camping

sites on rainy weekends and endless sports

tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses

not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also

required.

 

RESPONSIBILITIES: This is for the rest of your

life. Must be willing to be hated at least

temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go

skating. Must be willing to bite tongue

repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical

stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from

zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case,

this time, the screams from the backyard are not

someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face

stimulating technical challenges, such as small

gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and

stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain

calendars and coordinate production of multiple

homework projects. Must have ability to plan and

organize social gatherings for clients of all

ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be

indispensable one minute, and embarrassed the

next. Must handle assembly and product safety

testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and

battery operated devices. Must always hope for

the best but be prepared for the worst. Must

assume final, complete accountability for the

quality of the end product. Responsibilities also

include floor maintenance and janitorial work

throughout the facility.

 

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:

Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same

position for years, without complaining,

constantly retraining and updating your skills,

so that those in your charge can ultimately

surpass you.

 

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required,

unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a

continually exhausting basis.

 

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering

frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is

due when they turn 18 because of the assumption

that college will help them become financially

independent. When you die, you give them whatever

is left. The oddest thing about this

reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy

it and wish you could only do more.

 

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no

pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid

holidays and no stock options are offered, job

supplies limitless opportunities for personal

growth and free hugs for life if you play your

cards right.

 

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