backup troops on the way

[Guest guest]

J

Sun, 12 Jun 2005 20:26:05 -0400

backup troops on the way

 

Proposed federal legislation:

 

 

A BILL

 

 

 

Purpose of the Bill: To provide an equitable remedy for the current

shortage of military personnel and to ensure the safety and security

of the American people.

 

 

 

Secondarily, the bill provides an opportunity for the extremely

patriotic to serve with their entire bodies on a level previously

available only to their mouths.

 

 

 

 

THE NATIONAL NO CHICKEN HAWK LEFT BEHIND ACT

 

 

 

Provision I

 

 

 

Effective July 4, 2005, selected citizens shall hereby be eligible to

serve in the armed forces in the war on terror.

 

 

 

A. Persons between the ages of 14 and 84 who shall have earned

said eligibility by virtue of the flying of a $ 3.99 Chinese-made

American flag from their car, porch or bicycle for not fewer than

eight days.

 

 

 

B. Persons who, by test, can be shown to have avoided facts,

figures and data which might contradict the phony official stories as

to WMD, 9-11, Saddam Hussein, Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq, Flight 93,

Global Warming and pretzels. Those who can recite all the names of

all FOX News hosts will not need to take the test.

 

 

 

C. Persons who support the killing of babies and civilians for

the purpose of bettering the lot of Halliburton, Richard Cheney,

George W. Bush, Carlisle Corporation, the Bush family, James Baker and

other assorted privileged evil-doers.

 

 

 

D. Eligible persons, male, female or unsettled, may report to the

nearest military recruiter and swear their allegiance to the gang of

liars, whereupon said volunteers will be sworn in, sworn at and

transported to basic training at a field in Southern Iraq.

 

 

 

E. Tours of duty shall range from 6 months to 6 years, depending

on the need to cover up past crimes of the regime and the need to

steal oil from more Middle East nations.

 

 

 

F. To honor the volunteers and to set an example, such highly

visible chicken hawks as Tom DeLay (now or formerly Congressman

DeLay), Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, Jeb Bush, Rick Santorum and

others will join the first wave of fresh troops and serve with those

troops for three weeks to three months or until their underwear can no

longer be laundered.

 

 

 

 

Provision II

 

 

 

A. For every three volunteers who arrive in the Middle East and

stop crying, weeping or yelling for mommy, one soldier, sailor, airman

or marine shall be shipped home, stateside, without delay. Returnees

shall be selected based on total number of months in country, those

with the highest number given first priority. Those who have said all

along that the invasion and occupation of Iraq is bullshit and based

on lies will be second priority after those with more than 8 months

time in country.

 

 

 

B. Returnees shall agree not to tell stories or show photos of

volunteers in fetal positions or hiding behind civilian children.

 

 

 

Provision III

 

 

 

A. At no time shall volunteers be subjected to IQ, reading or

awareness testing. Most of them are pretty stupid. We all know that.

No need to embarrass them further. Besides, that would reduce the

number of actual volunteers.

 

 

 

B. Those persons who shall complete the tour of duty under this,

the no chicken hawk left behind act, shall receive a one-time

compensation of $ 5,000 dollars, minus the cost of food and bullets.

 

 

 

C. America being the land of free speech, the volunteers shall be

permitted cell phones, provided that they pay their own bills and

every other sentence in any conversation is in praise of George Bush,

Donald Rumsfeld or war, nuclear weapons, pipe lines, Ken Lay,

Halliburton and the glorious opportunity to kill people under the name

of God.

 

 

 

 

Sponsors:

Signers: