Small Favors Molly Ivins

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M

Sat, 23 Apr 2005 21:23:37 -0500

Small Favors Molly Ivins

 

 

 

 

Small Favors Molly Ivins

 

The Whim of a Hat

 

 

 

Ivins Column

 

Hey, the sun is shining, the bluebonnets are out, our big music

festival, South by Southwest, rocked, and the puppy wants to play. You

expect me to write about Terri Schiavo, Iraq, and Paul ( " There is no

history of ethnic strife in Iraq " ) Wolfowitz?

 

Instead, let us celebrate spring with a roundup of the President's

verbal gaffes, boners, grammatical errors, and immortal contributions

to logic. Remember, this is a contest between George Bush père and

George Bush fils, with the old man still well ahead at this point,

though I think you will agree, after reading the latest, that our boy

is gaining on him.

 

These are, as always, taken straight from life and from W.'s mouth.

 

First of all, there's the ongoing situation in Iraq, where, as he put

it, " it is a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life. "

Our enemies in Iraq are very resourceful, he adds. " They never stop

thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people and neither

do we, " says the Prez.

 

Don't worry, the President understands the financial implications of

Iraq. He said, " I want to remind you all that in order to fight and

win the war, it requires an expenditure of money that is commiserate

with keeping a promise to our troops. "

 

Then there was Bush's spluttering in the first debate: " In Iraq, no

doubt about it, it's tough. It's hard work. It's incredibly hard. "

 

If ever there was a man who understood hard work, it is our President.

He was fully prepared for it by his time as governor of Texas. His

former chief of staff, Clay Johnson, stated that in those days, Bush's

workweek consisted of " two hard half-days " broken only by his two-hour

midday break. We can tell that Bush still misses being governor

because he said: " One of the most meaningful things that's happened to

me since I've been the President, governor--the governor--President.

Oops. Ex-governor. "

 

On general strategery, the President said, " The best way to find these

terrorists who hide in holes is to get people coming forward to

describe the location of the holes, is to give clues and data. " And he

uttered these profound words of wisdom: " Free societies are hopeful

societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few

who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat. "

 

He added, curiously, " Free nations don't develop weapons of mass

destruction. "

 

Bush is not into process. " Oftentimes, we live in a processed

world--you know, people focus on the process and not the results. "

 

His focus on results led to this doozie on slavery: " It's very

interesting when you think about it, the slaves who left there to go

to America, because their steadfast and their religion and their

belief in freedom helped change America. "

 

Last year was a period of high stress for George W., who once again

had to struggle with the education issue, observing that the

" illiteracy level of our children are appalling. "

 

President Bush also informed us during the campaign that God speaks

through him. This disappointed many who thought the Almighty knew how

to pronounce the word " nuclear. "

 

Bush himself has noted, " I'm also not very analytical. You know, I

don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do

things. " But still, he is capable of deep self-awareness, as when he

observed, " I am the master of low expectations. "

 

End of recap. You must admit " kill at the whim of a hat " is almost

worth the price of admission. Just try to remember, folks, this is

historic times.

 

http://www.progressive.org/may05/ivin0505.html

Molly Ivins, co-author of " Bushwhacked, " writes in this space every month.