George's Amazing Alphabet Book

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http://www.motherjones.com/news/dailymojo/2005/04/alphabet.html

 

April 12, 2005

 

 

George's Amazing Alphabet Book

 

By Tom Engelhardt

 

 

 

Editor's note: It's unprecedented for any official -- high or low --

to leak information to Tomdispatch, but some weeks ago a Senior

Official in one of our intelligence agencies -- and since we have so

many, that's a little like saying none-of-your-business -- slipped me

the text of a book allegedly written by our President and due to be

published early this Fall. (Unfortunately, the illustrations by Paul

Wolfowitz, mentioned on the title page, did not accompany the

manuscript, and a page and a half of the text was missing.)

 

If my informant's account is accurate, George's Amazing Alphabet Book

of the Contemporary World, or Al-Qaedas All Around was produced before

the November election when the White House grew tired of kiss-and-tell

memoirs from former administration officials and decided to strike

back. The text was then held up by hostile CIA vetters; and further

delayed when, in a post-election euphoria, the President decided to

" update " the book before handing it over to new CIA Director Porter

Goss for a final vetting (which reportedly took less than ten minutes).

 

I've delayed releasing the text at Tomdispatch because I was

suspicious of its provenance and authenticity, and because I've so

often criticized the use of anonymous sources in mainstream

journalism. Yet everything about the text rang true to me and, in the

end, it seemed unreasonable to hold back a story of this magnitude.

 

To be safe, I had the Alphabet Book informally vetted by several

well-known children's book writers (all of whom asked that their names

not be used) as well as two former Yale classmates of the President.

They concluded, beyond almost a shadow of a doubt, that it was the

genuine article. Two of the writers suggested that, given its chatty

tone, the President might actually have spoken the text into a tape

recorder.

 

My Senior Intelligence Source does not believe that Paul Wolfowitz,

well known as an amateur artist, actually drew the illustrations

(which he hasn't seen). His sources, including an Iraqi informant

known inside the Intelligence Community as Screwball, suggested that

they might have been outlined on cocktail napkins by Donald Rumsfeld

during an especially tedious meeting about torture in early 2004 in

the office of then-White House Counsel Alberto Gonzales, and

subsequently colored in by Vice President Dick Cheney from a secret

bunker somewhere in the greater Washington area. Rupert Murdoch's

HarperCollins is reportedly set to publish the book in September with

a million copy first printing aimed, according to a publicist for the

firm (who also insisted on anonymity), at the burgeoning evangelical

children's market.

 

I was convinced of the book's authenticity, in part, by the

ever-expanding White House website aimed at children. It even includes

a sub-site focused on the President's dog (Barney), cat (India), pet

Longhorn (Ofelia), and the Vice President's two dogs (Jackson and

Dave), which contains " answers " -- also, according to my source,

written by the President -- to children's questions. (Q: Dani from

Dallas, Texas writes: Barney -- My scottie, Cooper has a question for

you. How does sandpaper feel? A: Barney, First Dog: Ruff!!!!! HA HA HA

HA HA HA HA HEE HOOO HAAA. " ) Clearly, Karl Rove has launched a new

campaign to reach around the " filter " of the media and directly

mobilize a new generation of Americans for the Republican Party. The

President's ABC book will evidently be the centerpiece of that campaign.

 

Of course, I have no way of confirming any of this, my resources being

slim, and so must leave what follows to your judgment. But whatever

the reason it was slipped my way, I'm pleased to be the first to

release the President's manuscript to the world, word for word as it

arrived at my doorstep. Make of it what you will.]

 

George's Amazing Alphabet Book of the Contemporary World, or

Al-Qaedas All Around (completely cross-referenced)

By George W Bush

Illustrated by Paul Wolfowitz

A Laura Bush Production for a Literate Society

 

A as in Al-Qaeda. Al-Qaedas all around. I know. I know. It's

usually alligator or aardvark or ant or armadillo, but kids, really,

it's a New World and it's never too early to be armed and ready for

it. (By the way, boys and girls, prepare yourself for the first White

House single-shooter video game, Armageddon Battles Al-Qaeda! In your

neighborhood stores soon!) Amazing Fact: Did you know that, according

to my friend Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, at least ten

terrorists could fit in your room and you wouldn't even know it?

 

B as in Bases. Bases are for bashing bad guys (see A). A base is a

little world built by the good guys of KBR (see H) for the good guys

at the Pentagon to house our good guys who hunt their bad guys in the

sorts of places -- and, believe me, there are a scadzillion of them

(other than your bedroom) -- where they love to hide and that, until a

few years ago, nobody even knew existed, and that nobody can spell

like Youzebeckistan (see U). Kids, if your teacher tries to make you

spell Youzebeckistan, write a letter of complaint to my friend

Attorney General Gonzales (and spell any way you like), or report your

teacher to the U.S. Air Force's Eagle Eyes program (see E). To get the

bad guys before they get us, we build bases everywhere! My friend Paul

Wolfowitz, who used to work for the Pentagon, likes to call our bases

" lily pads, " and we're the frogs who jump from one of them to the

other hunting down the flies. You know how irritating flies are. (By

the way, our bases have nothing to do with oil [see O].)

 

C as in Counting. See Rummy count the WMD! (WMD are three

well-respected letters -- see W, M, and D -- which when put together

are massively destructive! They mean Weapons of Mass Destruction,

which can destroy massively, which is why we went to war with Saddam

Hussein who was hiding in a spiderhole and threatening to spray WMD

all over our country! WMD are still in Iraq even though we haven't

found them yet because they're probably in one of those spiderholes

like the one we found Saddam in, which is what my friend Secretary of

Defense Don Rumsfeld says. Actually, here's an Amazing Fact that will

soon appear in a companion volume, Rummy's Amazing Counting Book of

the Contemporary World: Rummy says: " You could put enough biological

weapons into the room you're sitting in today to kill tens of

thousands of people! " Now, how about that! For those of you who are

Math wizards, how many rooms like the one you're sitting in would fit

inside Iraq. Hint, it's 171,599 square miles of sand! By the way, I

made a great joke about WMD at a media " roast " for all those stupid

reporters a while back. I showed a picture of myself looking out the

window of the Oval Office (which could have been a really good " O, " a

lot better than " Oil " ) and I said, " Those weapons of mass destruction

have got to be somewhere. " And then I showed a picture of myself

looking under the furniture and said, " Nope, no weapons over there. "

That cracked them up. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HEE HOOO HAAA.

 

D as in Detention. Ahmed, the terrorist, was detended in

Guantanamo [see G].

 

E as in Empire. (E could have been Energy, but honestly, energy's

not that important to the people I know, especially not to my friend

Vice President Cheney and his Energy Task Force). My uncle empired at

the Little League baseball game. Amazing Double Bonus Letter: E as in

Eagle Eyes. I eagle-eyed Ahmed, the beady-eyed terrorist (see A).

Kids, the Air Force has set up a special Eagle Eyes program just in

case Ahmed, the terrorist, sneaks into your neighborhood. You can go

to the cool USAF Eagle Eyes web page and study " categories of

suspicious behavior. " Be the first to report a terrorist moving in

next door! If you're lucky, maybe you can be the first kid on the

block to call in an air strike on a neighbor!

 

F as in Florida. I love Florida. It's the best F-word around! It's

how I F-ed the Democrats!

 

G as in Guantanamo. My [EXCISED] [CLASSIFIED] with the

[CLASSIFIED] while my hands were [TOP SECRET]. Guantanamo, which is a

[CLASSIFIED] for the [CLASSIFIED] [EXCISED][CLASSIFIED], more than the

[TOP SECRET] justice.

 

H as in Halliburton. See Dick run Halliburton. See Halliburton buy

Kellog, Brown & Root. See Dick Quit Halliburton. See Dick become Vice

President. See Halliburton get no-bid contracts for I-raq. See KBR

build bases in I-raq. See Halliburton deliver oil to I-raq. See

Halliburton and KBR take the taxpayer to the cleaners. See Dick smile.

See Dick hunt Quail. (See I, see Q.)

 

I as in I-raq. I wracked I-raq! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HEE HOOO

HAAA. I-raq is a really, really interesting country. Lots of Moolahs

live there. I visited once and, believe it or not, they even have

turkeys… but they're plastic!

 

J as in Jee-whiz, I can't think of a J, except for Jail (see D,

see G), but kids, the truth is -- and don't tell Laura I said this --

you really don't need all these letters! I mean, honestly, 26 of them?

You can just use G for J and C for K and some of them like U are only

good to make funny names for ridiculous countries. Tell your teacher

that George said it was okay to skip the weird and useless ones. If

she objects, follow the instructions outlined in B.

 

L as in Lion. Lions Live Lively Lives in Africa, where we're

building new bases (see B) to protect Americans who want to take

safaris and check out the lions and zebras (see Z), and not because of

oil which I haven't mentioned yet because it's not very important (see O).

 

M as in Mission. The Caped Crusaders went on a mission to rescue

the I-raqis from Saddam's terrorists (see A). Whoops, kids, never use

the word " crusade " ! Not that it's not a great word headed by an

all-star letter, C, but I used it twice and you wouldn't believe how

reporters jumped down my throat. See, when I was a kid, Errol Flynn

went crusading to the Middle East and kicked some Arab butt, but

that's ancient history that you can't mention now. And you know what?

Dwight D. Eisenhower, another Republican president, used " crusade " in

a book title, and no one said a word! But that was before the planet

was filled with Muslims with TVs. These days, instead of " crusade " I

use " global war on terrorism, " or " spreading democracy, " or I even

speak of my " calling, " which is a good Christian word that leaves

Muslims out completely. But just so you know, when I " call " you -- or

your daddies and mommies in the Reserves -- to my Global War on

Terror, I really mean Crusade! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HEE HOOO HAAA.

 

N as in Nucular. The nuculus went nucular. Boom! Nucular weapons

are terrible things (see C). We went to war, as my friend Secretary of

State Condi Rice used to say, to stop mushrooms from growing in

American cities! Mushrooms can poison you and Saddam Hussein wanted to

poison us! But don't worry, kids, we won't let the bad guys get

nucular weapons! We're building lots of nucular weapons right now to

take them out!

 

O as not in Oil. The handyman put oil on the squeaky door hinge.

Oil is good for fixing things and oil is something you change.

Sometimes you even regime-change oil regimes. But it's not worth

wasting a letter on, that's for sure. Amazing Fact: Chevron once named

an oil tanker after my friend Condi!.

 

P as in Patriot Act. Peter Patriot acts to protect the Patriot

Act. The Patriot Act patriotized our country. It patriotized our

courts. It patriotized our jails (see G). It patriotized our medical

records. It patriotized our libraries. It patriotized your parents.

Keep your eyes and ears open! If Ahmed, the terrorist, or anybody else

in your neighborhood doesn't support the Patriot Act, call Eagle Eyes

(see E) and let us know. We'll be sure to patriotize them.

 

Q as in Quail. See Dick shoot the Quail, all 400 of them! Quail

are tiny, chicken-y birds with lots and lots of little bones and no

meat, but Dick loves to…

 

[Note: A page and a half of text is missing here, assumedly

including the rest of the letter Q and all of R.]

 

S as in Social Security. The Department of Homeland Security

should be responsible for our country's social security. Boys and

girls, you know how when you're really little you have a security

blanket you just drag around everywhere? And then, when you get older,

it's kind of embarrassing, so you toss it away? Well, here's the funny

thing, thanks to a bunch of ancient Democrats, old people have a money

security blanket we call Social Security. Don't you think it's time

for your grandmas and grandpas to grow up and toss that blankie away?

My friend Dick thinks so. He says he doesn't need a social-security

blankie. (see H) And neither do I, and neither do my Mom and Dad. And

believe me, they're old. We all just want to invest our own money and

make it ourselves. Don't you?

 

T as in 2000 election. (Kids, this is a trick one, but so was that

election!) Amazing Fact: 2000 looks like it starts with 2, but it

actually starts with T! I always liked what my old Texas pard Phil

Gramm said with a whoop when he won his Senate seat back in 1984:

" We're going to keep on building the party until we're hunting

Democrats with dogs. " He was right. Now, when Democrats whoop -- like

Howard Dean did -- we hunt them with Karl Rove's dogs like Dick hunts

quail (see Q).

 

U as in Uzbekistan (or Oozebeakustan or whatever). I bet u can't

spell Uzbekistan! HA HA HA HEE HEE HEE HO HO HO. If you're looking for

terrorists, they usually hide in countries whose names I can't spell

-- like Yousbekistan and Afghanistan and Yemenistan. Countries whose

names I can't spell have lots of caves for terrorists to hide in.

 

V as in Camp Viper. Don't let the Vindow Viper near Camp Viper!

(HA HA etc.) Ur was one of those old, old U-places (see U) in I-raq

(see I). A two-letter city! If that isn't suspicious, I don't know

what is! Imagine if Duluth was Du, or Laredo was La, or Peoria was Pe

(HEE HEE etc.) Name a place Ur and it's bound to fill up with

terrorist vipers. So we built bases nearby including Camp Viper and Ve

Viped them out (HO HO etc.).

 

W as in Waterboarding. Wally waterboarded Ahmed (see A). Kids,

it's not surfboarding, but almost! There's the board and the water and

the person on the board, and it's the main sport of the Central

Intelligence Agency (see G), and the great thing is -- you can do it

twenty-four hours a day. You never have to wait for the surf to be up.

 

X as in X-ray. Agent X X-rayed your car to see if it contained

terrorist contraband or a secret nucular weapon [see N]. No kidding,

kids, our Homeland Security Department can do drive-by X-rays of cars

in their constant search for terrorists. And if your teddy bear is

filled with explosives, then it's Camp X-Ray at Guantanamo Bay (see G)

for you, which is [CLASSIFIED] for [CLASSIFIED] in which [TOP SECRET],

not far from the Bermuda Triangle.

 

Y as in you're with us or you're against us. Ahmed was against us

(see W) and he came from Yemenistan. Okay, " you're with us or you're

against us " isn't one word, but how many words begin with Y, other

than Yemenistan (and, believe me, you don't want to know about that)?

 

Z as in Zebra. Ziggy the Zebra hates terrorists (see A). Zebras

live in Africa where we're setting up bases (see B), but not because

we're interested in oil (see O). No kidding! Just like that other

George, the one who chopped down the cherry tree with that weapon of

mass destruction (see N, see C), I would never lie to you.

 

Copeyrite 2005 George W. Bush