NOT AT/ Humor Anyone?

January 6, 2002

A Bit of Humor needed??? ---

Directions for Administering Pills to Cats and Dogs.

CATS:

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if

holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either

side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks

while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill

into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left

arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm-holding rear

paws tightly with lefthand. Force jaws open and push pill to

back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for the

count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold

front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get

spouse to hold head firmly with 1 hand while forcing wooden

ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat

vigorously for 30-40 seconds.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod get another pill from foil wrap.

Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully

sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to

one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with

head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking

straw, force open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1

beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm

and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Throw

pieces of towel in garbage.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open

another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck

to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon.

Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on

hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of

last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to

disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and

fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the beast from tree across the road.

Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving

to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little kitty's front paws to rear paws with garden twine

and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty

pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by

large fillet, be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2

pints of water down throat to wash pill down. Pray vigorously

while performing all steps.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the

emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and

forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call

furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring

local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters left.

DOGS:

1. Wrap it in bacon!

_____________

Hugs,

Marilyn

January 6, 2002

In a message dated 01/05/2002 10:37:24 PM Central Standard Time,

menicholson7 writes:

> Directions for Administering Pills to Cats and Dogs.

>

Marilyn, you made me laugh till I cried. Soooo true. LOL Thanks for the

laugh. I needed one right about now! Love ya, deonia

January 7, 2002