Guest guest Posted November 17, 2001 Report Share Posted November 17, 2001 There are three truths in life: Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. Southern Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store. An American tourist takes a trip to China. While there, he's sexually promiscuous and doesn't take proper precautions. A week after arriving back home, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately runs to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns two days later and the doctor says, " I've got bad news for you. You've got Mongolian VD. It's very rare - almost unheard of here in America. We know very little about it. " The man looks a little relieved and says, " Well, I've had VD before so just give me a shot or something and fix me up. " The doctor replies, " I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We'll have to amputate your penis. " The man screams in horror, " Oh no! I want a second opinion! " . The doctor says, " Well it's your choice, but surgery is really your only choice and you don't have a lot of time to decide. " The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines him and says, " Ah so, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease. " The guy says to the doctor, " Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis! " . The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, " Stupid Amelican doctor! Amelican doctor, always want to opulate. Make more money, that way. Chinee doctor more honest. No need to opulate! " " Oh Thank God! " the man replies. " Yes, velly good, " says the Chinese doctor, " You no think too much! Wait two week. It fall off by self! " ----------------- A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there? " " We're taking Delta, " was the reply. " We got a great rate! " " Delta? " exclaimed the barber. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome? " " We'll be at the downtown International Marriott. " " That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there? " " We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope. " " That's rich, " laughed the barber. " You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it. " A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. " It was wonderful, " explained the man, " not only were we on time in one of Delta's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge! " " Well, " muttered the barber, " I know you didn't get to see the Pope. " " Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me. " " Really? " asked the barber. " What'd he say? " He said, " Where'd you get the lousy haircut? " ----------------- A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. " Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army, " the general said. " Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast. " Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, " OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you. " ---- Three guys are in a bar, drinking, when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them and points to the guy in the middle, shouting, " your mom's the best lay in town. " Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off & bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comesback, points at the same guy, and says, " I just had sex with your mom, and it was swe-e-et! " Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, " your mom even let me---- " Finally the guy interrupts, " go home, dad --- you're drunk. " ------ Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She wrote: The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a " Honk if you love Jesus " bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy. Then, he leaned out of his window and screamed, " For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO! " What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a " sunny beach " ... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!! Love, Grandma God Bless ---- A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, while the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when he was the last car to leave the parking lot, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00%. The patrolman was dumbfounded. " This equipment must be broken! " he exclaimed. " I doubt it, " said the man, " Tonight I am the designated decoy! " A couple, both 68, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, " What can I do for you? " The man said, " Will you watch us have sexual intercourse? " The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, " There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. " He then charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 68 year olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, " Just exactly what are you trying to find out? " The old man said, " Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid. --- I asked the Master how one could find the greatest satisfaction in life. He thought for some moments and then said gently, " By disciplining one's self and learning to live divinely in small as well as great things. " I asked Him if He thought it possible to live divinely in a world so filled with hatred and violence. He nodded vigorously. He had no doubt about it! I asked if He would tell me some of the qualities considered requisite for living the superior life. Listen to them: love, contentment, unselfishness, appreciation, loyalty, sincerity, devotion, enthusiasm, joy, simplicity, frugality, gratitude, self-control, faith, kindness, the capacity for small enjoyments, serenity, honesty, poise, courage, genuineness, sympathy, tolerance, understanding, good manners, strong observation, strength with gentleness, unselfish attitudes, dignity, freedom from evil purposes, and the ability to be interested in people and things for their sakes and not for personal return. " Suppose one had all these qualities " I said. " And suppose he lived them so silently, modestly, but radiantly, that men, women, and children were happier and better for having known him. What would you call one such as that? " The Master smiled and answered, " Most people call him dog. " ----- Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with " the boys " . I told my wife that I would be home by midnight .. promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy, at around 2:45 A.M. drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Gotaway with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, " Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh f_ck,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then farted!!!! " ------------------------------ A couple goes off to bed. As soon as they settle down, he leans over and whispers softly, " Hey snuggle boopy-boops,your little booty-buddy isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet. " She takes the hint and says, " OK, but I have to use the bathroom first. " So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. He jumps out of bed concerned and says, " Oh my little honey-bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right? No harm is done and they jump into bed and have mad sex. Afterward, she goes to the bathroom again, but on the way she trips over the piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. He looks over and grunts, " Clumsy Bitch..... " ----------- An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R & R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, " Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat? " The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, " You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat? " The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, " Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired. " The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, " You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine! " The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, " You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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