Guest guest Posted November 11, 2001 Report Share Posted November 11, 2001 Hi, Time to take a break from our serious sides, huh? Remember, these are " jokes " , nothing serious.. lol Hugs, Marilyn --------------------------- Not Doing Homework? Approximately ten excuses for not doing homework: + I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it. + I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin. + I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged. + I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy. + I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it. + I couldn't figure out whether I am the square of negative one or I am the square root of negative one. + I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee, and then I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk. + I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it. + I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . It's not going to be a good day when.... + You wake up face down on the pavement. + You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. + You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. + You see a '60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office. + Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. + You want to put the clothes on you wore home from the party but find there aren't any. + Your twin brother forgot your birthday. + You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes from the city. + Your car horn accidentally goes off and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hells Angels along a deserted highway. + Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. + The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. + You call your answering service and you're told to mind your own business. + Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. + Your tax refund check bounces. + Your wife says " Good Morning, Bill " and your name is George. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Inner Strength.... + If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills, + If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, + If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, + If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, + If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time, + If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, + If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, + If you can face the world without lies and deceit, + If you can conquer tension without medical help, + If you can relax without liquor, + If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, + If you can do all these things ....... THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG.... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Men Bashing.... + Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. + Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. + Remember: A sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his. + What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature. + What did God say after creating man? I can do better. + Why do little boys whine? Because they are practicing to be men. + Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract. + How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One - He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. + What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes. + Why are dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. + Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . In The News.... San Antonio, Texas.... A woman who, in a panic, called 911 to report that she found a white powdery substance on her powdered doughnuts. The San Antonio fire department never the less commended her for how she packaged them up for disposal. Some fire departments are more patient than other fire departments. Buenos Aires, South America.... A group of bungling robbers who, thinking they stole a truck full of prime meat, in actuality had driven off with 33 human corpses meant for a medical college. Jerusalem.... A woman who sprayed the inside of her mouth with insecticide when a flying cockroach landed in her mouth, which landed her in the hospital with burns to her mouth, tongue, lower larynx, the posterior part of her vocal chords and other places. She says, " I just did not think. " . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . One Liners For All Occasion.... + Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. + Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. + Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? + Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. + Do I look like a freakin people person? + This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. + I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. + I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. + If I throw a stick, will you leave? + You! Off my planet! + Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose. + A little ignorance can go a long way. + So you are better at sex than anybody. Now all you need is a partner. + Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way! + If I want to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. + Does your train of thought have a caboose? + Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? + Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. + Let me show you how the guards used to do it. + And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? + I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. + If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil... + See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. + Allow me to introduce my selves. + Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. + Better living through denial. + Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. + Adult child of alien invaders. + Do they ever shut up on your planet? + I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up. + Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. + I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. + I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. + Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? + Back off! You're standing in my aura. + I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. + Don't worry. I forgot your name, too! + Can you out-think a doorknob? + How many times do I have to flush before you go away? + I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? + You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. + Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2? + Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong. + Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? + Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. + Too many freaks, not enough circuses. + Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done. + You look like crap. Is that the style now? + Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth. + Earth is full. Go home. + Is it time for your medication or mine? + I plead contemporary insanity. + I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. + I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. ____________________________ The Ten Most Common Forms of Office Illness.... + The Macy's One Day Sale Flu. + The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus. + The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains. + The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection. + The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease. + The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza. + The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness. + The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment. + The I've Screwed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness. + The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Things To Ponder.... + If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter? + If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? + Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? + What do chickens think we taste like? + What do people in China call their good plates? + What do you call a male ladybug? + What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? + When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? + Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? + Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? + Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? + Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? + Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? + Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? + Why are there Interstates in Hawaii? + Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes? + Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited? + Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations? + How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work? + If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door? + Why is a bra singular and panties plural? + You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? + If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight? + If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil? + If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose? + If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? + Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM? + Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo? + Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? + What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane? + Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? + If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? + If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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