Decoding the Secrets of Body Language

[Guest guest]

 

by Jill M. Shuman

 

It is impossible for human beings not to communicate their innermost

thoughts. In many cases body language, eye contact, and sexual

gestures are more effective than verbal communication. Learning to

interpret body language can help you discern what people are really

saying.

 

Body language reveals many of our most intimate feelings, whether we

intend to confide them or not. From simple eye contact to a light

touch on the leg, body gestures are a very direct form of

communication. In a romantic relationship, reading the cues correctly

is critical.

 

The Eyes Have It

Eye contact is the most common initial sexual advance. Eyes can reveal

sparked interest, fantasy, or disinterest. We initiate eye contact

every day, in places as disparate as the subway, the office, the

supermarket, and the bedroom.

 

Making eye contact is a simple, universal way to show someone that you

are interested in them sexually—by making eye contact you make it

easier for him or her to respond to you. When speaking in person, look

at him or her directly, not over a shoulder or down at the floor. To

show your interest across a room, hold your glance longer than you

would in an ordinary social situation. Don't overdo it, though. Most

people find anything more than intermittent eye contact (five seconds

out of every 30) uncomfortable or threatening and will probably look

away. You can assume some mutual interest if he or she returns your

gaze steadily.

 

When your glance is recognized and welcomed, the recipient may move in

a way that "opens up" the body, giving you more to look at. Perhaps he

will stand sideways and push up his sleeves or lean back against the

wall with his torso slightly pushed forward. Or she might place her

hands in in the back pockets of her jeans, or playfully push her hair

back off her forehead.

 

Other encouraging responses include raised eyebrows, eyes that are

wide open, or fluttering of the eyelashes. If you are looking at each

other for longer and longer periods and moving closer in toward each

other, that is a definite mating call. You can test this by moving

slightly closer and noting whether the person moves closer in or draws

further way.

 

If your initial contact is not welcome, the person you are looking at

may try to shield themselves from your view or try to create a barrier

between you. Hence, if the object of your attention suddenly

disappears into the crowd or abruptly crosses her arms or legs, she is

saying "you're going too fast for me", or "I'm not interested right

now."

 

Facial Expressions and Gestures

To send out a signal that you are interested in getting to know

someone better, smile! Smiling sends the message that you find someone

attractive and would like to initiate further conversation. Hand and

head movements are also ways of encouraging people as you become

interested in them. Turning your head and stepping in towards him

sends the message that you'd like to get closer. Gesturing her to sit

down next to you or moving over to create some standing room indicates

a willingness to pursue conversation. However, make sure you stand or

sit a proper distance away—moving in too close too soon encroaches on

personal boundaries and raises issues of proprietary space.

 

Finally, learning to use touch can step up the pace of any

relationship. To offer positive encouragement during the early stages

of a relationship, try touching her arm or hand while engaged in

conversation. When coming up behind, put your hand on his shoulder in

greeting. But keep it subtle. Don't overstep the line between showing

interest and being overly pushy. Remember, too, that skin-to-skin

contact—touching a bare wrist, for example—is always more intimate

than skin-to-clothing contact.

 

It Makes Sense

Along with body language, our five senses also play a role in physical

attraction and intimacy. From initial visual contact to watching a

partner undress, sight is an important sexual stimulus.

 

Hearing soft music or the special intonations of your partner's voice

can serve as a caress or even foreplay to sex itself.

 

Touching and holding can foster exquisite closeness and intimacy on their own.

 

The taste of good food and wine can put lovers in the mood by making

them feel good and lowering their inhibitions. There is a definite

correlation between eating and deriving emotional nourishment from

your partner.

 

The "smell" of your lover's body mingled with perfume or other scent

can act as a powerful stimulant. Is there any question, then, as to

the aphrodiasiac quality of a romantic dinner accompanied by soft

music and followed by an evening of dancing cheek-to-cheek?

 

Fast Forward to Intimacy

Let's assume that the above encounters have led to a relationship

culminating in physical intimacy. Remember that body language doesn't

end in the courting stage of a new relationship. You can learn a great

deal about your partner's feelings and moods by paying attention to

his or her body language before, during, and after sex.

 

Even though a partner may eagerly get into bed with you, he may be

uncomfortable about having sex. Telltale signs include legs or arms

that are drawn close in to the body, limited eye contact, and the

presence of a physical barrier, such as a book, a pulled-up blanket,

or a TV remote. If your partner is sitting on the edge of the bed,

slightly frowning, or has arms pressed closely to his or her side, you

can surmise that he is nervous. A relaxing, sensual massage will

probably diminish his nervousness to the point that his arousal

overtakes the discomfort.

 

You may also find that upon getting into bed, your partner turns her

back on you and draws her knees up into a fetal position. This

indicates inhibition and a performance anxiety. One excellent remedy

for this is a warm, nonthreatening cuddle. Match your breathing to

hers, and then slowly make each breath longer and more relaxed.

Hopefully your partner will copy this breathing and spontaneously

begin to relax.

 

Because many people find it hard to converse verbally, body language

can help them communicate. As you learn to interpret the various

nuances of body language, you can learn to understand what people are

really "saying".

 

RESOURCES:

 

Social Issues Research Centre (SIRC)

http://www.sirc.org