Guest guest Posted June 19, 2006 Report Share Posted June 19, 2006 http://www.mercola.com/2005/dec/10/another_awesome_drug_ad_parody.htm Another Awesome Drug Ad Parody One awesome and astute reader forwarded us this great parody about afictional company's Web site, hawking its new lifestyle drug, Panexa.What's so effective about it: At first glance, the Web page looks justlike any other drug site, of course, until you begin to read the fineprint, and notice how wrong and hilarious it really is. For example, it quietly notes that Panexa should only be taken bypatients experiencing disorders such as metabolism, binocular vision,or digestion (solid and liquid). Also, Panexa should not be used as asubstitute for real human relationships, as the tablets are incapableof displaying any real emotion, and would therefore be dissatisfyingfriends or mates. For much more, including the astonishing side effects, click the linkbelow. Panexa.com Dr. Mercola's Comment: A tell-tale sign drug company ads have emerged as pop culture icons:The growing number of video clips and ads appearing on the Internetlampooning them. Funny parodies like this one also demonstrate a growing awareness thatprescription drugs are part-and-parcel of a broken health careparadigm, addicted to quick-fix cures. It isn't surprising that ads like these are so instantly recognizableas to make parody possible; the drug companies are spending over $4billion to influence you to buy their products. Folks, I don't have $4billion to invest in marketing like the drug companies, but what I dohave is a following of hundreds of thousands who understand the truth. If you recently d you can have a major impact on improvingthe speed of the migration away from the current dysfunctional healthcare system to one truly based on prevention and real cure by sharingthe information in this newsletter with as many of your friends andrelatives as possible. But please be sure to do it wisely. Select a Mercola.com article thataddresses their particular health struggle or concern and then write apersonal message in the e-mail as to why they should seriouslyconsider the advice -- and why they should to the freee-newsletter. It is very easy to do with our 'E-mail to a friendbutton' at the top of EVERY page on the Web site. http://www.panexa.com/ Panexa - Ask your doctor for a reason to take it. No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to beyourself. And Panexa knows this. Your lifestyle is one of the biggestfactors in choosing how to live. Why trust it to anything less? Panexais proven to provide more medication to those who take it than anyother comparable solution. Panexa is the right choice, the safechoice. The only choice. Check the Panexa Store for great merchandise to proudly show theworld you're a Panexa user! Panexa in the News(coming soon) IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATIONPLEASE READ THIS SUMMARY CAREFULLY, THEN ASK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT PANEXAAND HOW TO PROVIDE YOU WITH LARGE QUANTITIES. THIS DOESNOT TAKE THE PLACE OF ADVICE FROM YOUR DOCTOR; RATHER, IT PROVIDES YOUWITH NEW INFORMATION ABOUT NEW DRUGS YOU COULD BE USING. PANEXA is a prescription drug that should only be taken by patientsexperiencing one of the following disorders: metabolism, binocularvision, digestion (solid and liquid), circulation, menstruation,cognition, osculation, extremes of emotion. For patients with coronaryheart condition (CHC) or two separate feet (2SF), the dosage of PANEXAshould be doubled to ensure that twice the number of pills are beingconsumed. PANEXA can also be utilized to decrease the risk of deathcaused by not taking PANEXA, being beaten to death by oscelots, ordeath relating from complications arising from seeing too much of thecolor lavender. Epileptic patients should take care to ensure tight,careful grips on containers of PANEXA, in order to secure theircontents in the event of a seizure, caused by PANEXA or otherwise. WHEN PANEXA SHOULD NOT BE USED There are no known medical circumstances (based on extensive internaltesting) in which PANEXA cannot be used. However, PANEXA is not quiteas aggressively recommended in the following circumstances: * PANEXA should not be used as a physical aid to set a brokenbone, as in the case of a splint; * PANEXA should not be used as a substitute for real humanrelationships; the tablets (and gel-coated caplets) are incapable ofdisplaying any real emotion, and would prove to be dissatisfyingfriends or mates; * PANEXA should not be used to soak up spills or remove stains.This is disrespectful to PANEXA; * PANEXA should not be resold with the intent of generating apersonal profit; * PANEXA should not be used a form of motive transport, as itlacks the government regulated (US DOT 1445/88-4557) safety lights andreflectors; * Women with uteruses should consider avoiding PANEXAor moving toa state or province where the concentration of PANEXA is lesser; * Do not taunt PANEXA. WARNINGS Muscle: In a small number of tested cases (84%) PANEXAwas found tocause abdominal wall muscle breakdown coupled with spasmodic activityin lower back/spinal muscles, resulting in most patients violentlybending forward like a book slamming shut. While some other drugspromote similar responses (gemifbrozil, fresh cherries, nicitonicacid, cyclosporine, mustard gas, and acetomenaphin) PANEXA's reactionsare over 48X as powerful and take place with a great deal more panacheand flash. Also, PANEXA can contribute to developing inhumanlypowerful tongue muscles, capable of licking through steel. LymphaticSystem: If, after taking PANEXA for a period of four to six weeks, youstill have any functioning lymph nodes remaining, double the dosageevery two (3) weeks until they are all gone. IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR WOMEN Pregnant women, or women who plan to become pregnant, should avoidtaking PANEXAor handling broken tablets. Or intact tablets. Womenconsidering some day becoming pregnant, who have ever been pregnant,who have had a pregnant friend or pet, or who have seen other pregnantwomen, naked or otherwise, should also follow these precautions:Do nothandle PANEXA tablets, containers, or related literature. If a PANEXAproduct nears your field of vision, avert your eyes. Try not to saythe word "PANEXA." If you do happen to pronounce the syllables, spitthrice and soak your hands in iodine. If you hear the words spoken,live or via recorded medium, cover your ears and immediately see aspecialist to try and staunch the bleeding. Try not to think too hardabout PANEXA. In fact, don't ever even think about it at all. Pretendyou never heard of PANEXA, and never will. Drop this magazineimmediately, and get the hell out of here as fast as you fucking can.Go on, get out of here. You'll thank me. If you should be aware of a pregnant woman who has handled PANEXA,attempt to warn the peoples of earth of the mind-numbing horror thatis about to unfold. Also, drink plenty of liquids. IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR SQUIRRELS PANEXA has been known in a few cases (0.0087%) to cause ExcessivelyFloppy Tail Syndrome (EFTS). If you are a squirrel, and suspect youmay be suffering from EFTS, immediately call the Hotline at1-800-867-5309. Pediatric use: Expired PANEXA may be disposed of by feeding tochildren in a bowl with milk. SIDE EFFECTS Most patients (2%) tolerate treatment with PANEXA well, especiallywhen compared with prisoners of war of comparable size and weight.However, like all drugs, PANEXA can produce some notable side effects,all of which are probably really, really terrific and nothing thatanyone should be concerned about, let alone notify any medicalregulatory commission about. Most side effects of PANEXA, or theirsufferers, are usually short-lived, and are rarely so fatal that theremains can no longer be identified, provided good dental records areavailable. Some known side effects are: Respiratory system: Shortness of breath, longness of breath, kineticballoon-like lung expansion, really geeky laughs Digestive system: explosive diaherrea, upset stomach; bitter,withdrawn stomach, prehensile colon, achy butt; shiny, valuable fecescomposed of aluminum and studded with diamonds and sapphire Eyes/senses: everything you think you see becomes a Tootsie Roll toyou, night vision, taste hallucinations (where everything tastes'gamey' or 'oakey'), inability to distinguish the colors 'taupe' and'putty'; sudden enjoyment of really bad music, like Kenny G or somecrap; thinking everything is so damn funny all the time Muscular/Skeletal: PANEXAcan cause a real live skeleton to be walkingaround inside you, buttock muscles to mirror the actions of the jawmuscles, magnetization of the ribcage, and musical spine disorder(MSD) Skin: Might turn blue, wither, and fall off. Or just get reallythick and spongy (muppet-like) Other: Loss of sexual desire and/or desirability; rising of thelights, the vapors, the willies; susceptibility to wedgies, no rhythm,dresses for shit, and can't hold a job to save your life; blue sweats;symptoms that look like scurvy, but louder; and the compulsion toaddress everyone nearby as "Cap'n." PANEXA is a registered trademark of MERD Pharmeceutical Group. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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