Forgiveness, a place in everyones healing journey

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Forgiveness

 

Can You Ever Forgive Yourself?

 

How to stop beating yourself up--no matter what you've done.

 

 

Okay, you did it. You spent half the month's food budget on a new

coat, didn't get to your son's soccer match before the second half,

put your mom in a nursing home, and, when the cat's yowling got on

your nerves, you--you awful person!--let him outside where he was

promptly hit by a car.

 

Yikes! Your family and friends would never forgive you if they knew

half of what you do. Unfortunately, you know the whole. And the sheer

awfulness of it rocks you with guilt and sinks you with shame. God may

forgive you. But how on earth are you ever going to forgive yourself?

 

Why You Can't Forgive

Probably one of the few people who can tell you is psychologist Fred

Luskin, PhD, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project.

A tall, rangy researcher who regularly lopes across the Palo Alto

campus in khakis and running shoes, Dr. Luskin has been conducting

studies and workshops on forgiveness up and down the California coast

for the past several years. From Berkeley to Big Sur, he's worked with

men who've cheated on their wives, wives who've cheated on their

husbands, kids who've dumped their parents, parents who've dumped

their kids, and a whole lot worse.

 

Amazingly, the biggest obstacle he's found to self-forgiveness may be

the tendency we have to wallow in our own guilt. " It's not just that

we feel bad because we know we've done wrong, " he explains. Everybody

does that. But some of us actually draw those bad feelings around

ourselves like a blanket, cover our heads, and refuse to stop the wailing.

 

If that sounds nuts to you, you're not alone. Wailing should be

reserved for the victim, not the perpetrator, right? But some of us

try to use those bad feelings like a talisman to ward off the

consequences of our actions, says Dr. Luskin. We curl up in a ball and

say, " Hey! Look how bad I feel! See how I'm suffering! I'm pitiful!

I'm pathetic! I can't be punished any more than this; it wouldn't be

fair! "

 

" It's a crazy form of penance, " adds Dr. Luskin with a shake of his

head. Instead of taking responsibility for what we've done by trying

to repair the damage or make things right, many of us unconsciously

decide--mea culpa--to punish ourselves by feeling miserable for the

rest of our lives.

 

It's Not Just about You

Unfortunately, the decision to feel miserable for the rest of your

life can have tragic consequences. And not always in obvious ways.

 

For one thing, misery loves company. " If you keep beating yourself up,

then the person who tries to love you is going to get beat up too, "

explains Dr. Luskin. It's inevitable. Anyone who's wallowing in guilt

is going to be more withdrawn, more critical, and less open than they

normally would. So whoever's around--your spouse, your children, your

parents, your friends, even your dog--is going to suffer right along

with you.

 

Nor does the suffering stop with those around you. Mind affects body

in a zillion interconnecting ways, and those guilty feelings you're

nurturing are generating chemicals that are headed straight for your

vital organs. They increase your heart rate, raise your blood

pressure, disrupt your digestion, tense your muscles, dump cholesterol

into your bloodstream, and reduce your ability to think straight. And

every time you remember what you did and wince, those bad feelings

give you a fresh hit of corrosive chemicals.

 

It's no wonder that studies on forgiveness have led scientists to

suspect that those who have difficulty forgiving are more likely to

experience heart attacks, high blood pressure, depression, and other ills.

 

Give Yourself a Break!

Feeling bad about things you've done in the past can create a pretty

painful present. So while you're learning how to forgive yourself and

move on, give your mind and body a break from all the shame and guilt

by replacing them with gratitude, says psychologist Fred Luskin, PhD,

author of Forgive for Good (Harper SanFrancisco, 2001). Here's how he

suggests you do it:

 

 

Walk into your nearest supermarket, and give thanks for the abundance

of food that's available.

 

 

Go to a nursing home or hospital, and give thanks for your own good

health.

 

 

When driving, mentally thank each of the drivers who follow the rules

of the road.

 

 

If you have a significant other in your life, thank him or her for

caring for you every day.

 

 

Really notice the salesperson in a store who waits on you. Thank them

for helping you.

 

 

As you wake each morning, give thanks for your breath and the gift of

your life.

 

It's better to do good than to feel bad.

 

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

From his cramped office on the Stanford campus, Dr. Luskin has spent 6

years studying how people move toward forgiving themselves and others,

and it's clearly a process that pulls at his heart as much as it

teases his mind.

 

" Forgiveness is a tool with which we face what we've done in the past,

acknowledge our mistakes, and move on, " he says slowly. " It does not

mean that you condone or excuse what happened. It does not mean that

you forget.

 

" Remember the saying, 'For everything there is a season'? " he asks.

" Well, there's a season for our suffering and regret. We have to have

that. But the season ends; the world moves on. And we need to move on

with it. " Here's how to do it.

 

Categorize the Offense

" Most of us find it hard to forgive ourselves when we've done one of

four things, " says Dr. Luskin.

 

 

You fail at some major life task such as making your marriage work.

 

 

Your actions have hurt someone else.

 

 

You've hurt yourself by the way you've led your life: drinking or

doing something else that's self-destructive.

 

 

You didn't do something you thought you should, such as intervene in a

family dispute or put money away so your kid can go to college.

 

" Categorizing the offense begins the forgiveness process, " emphasizes

the psychologist. " It allows you to break down what you did, look at

it, get a little distance, and begin healing. "

 

Know How You Feel

" Articulate the specific wrong you committed and the harm it caused, "

says Dr. Luskin. " Tell a couple of trusted people about what you did

to get support, care, and advice, " he adds. Sharing reminds us that

everyone makes mistakes. " We commonly think we're alone and unique in

our suffering, but this only makes healing more difficult, " adds Dr.

Luskin. Confessing what you've done also prevents you from slipping

into denial, suppression, repression, and forgetting.

 

Understand What You Want

You don't necessarily want to reconcile with the person you hurt, you

just want to get rid of the shame, release the blame, and feel calm

and whole at your center.

 

More Things You Can Do

 

Recognize Unrealistic Expectations

Most of us have a set of unconscious rules hovering in the back of our

minds about how we expect ourselves to behave. But those rules, many

of which we've absorbed in childhood rather than actually thought

about, are not always realistic.

 

When my friend Susan's mom had a slight stroke, for example, Susan

felt she should invite her mom to move in with her. A daughter always

takes care of her mother, right? But her mother was and had always

been an absolutely miserable human being, a lot like mob boss Soprano's hateful mother on the HBO series, The Sopranos. There was no

way to please her. Every word that came out of her mouth was a

criticism, a put-down, or a complaint. And it was all delivered in a

nasty tone intended to wither everyone around her with contempt.

 

With the help of her friends and husband, Susan realized that it

wasn't realistic--or fair--to bring such overwhelming negative energy

into the house. So she helped her mom move into an assisted living

community with a pool of trained helpers on call morning, noon, and night.

 

Identify the Hurt

Realize that the hurt feelings, guilty thoughts, and tummy-tightening

stress you feel whenever you think of your offense is what's actually

making you feel bad--not what you did 2 minutes or 10 years ago, says

Dr. Luskin. It's your reaction to it today that's causing a problem.

It's a habit that has to go.

 

Hit the Stop Button

Replaying what you did over and over again in your head isn't going to

help you or the person you hurt. It just makes you feel bad. So every

time you catch yourself ruminating on your sins, stop, and refocus

your attention on something more positive.

 

Sorry!

When you can't forgive yourself because of something you've done to

someone else, sometimes all it takes is a sincere apology to make

things right. Apologies are most effective if made in person, of

course. But if that's not possible, consider wrapping your apology in

a little humor. One woman who owed her husband an apology sent him a

copy of the game " Sorry! " with a note asking if they could play. Not

to be beaten, her husband responded with a copy of the old Brenda Lee

single, " I'm Sorry. " Now, isn't that nice?

 

Practice PERT

PERT stands for Positive Emotion Refocusing Technique. It's a

45-second strategy Dr. Luskin developed to use whenever you start

beating yourself up over past sins. Simply close your eyes, draw in a

long breath that gently pushes out your belly, then slowly exhale as

you relax your belly. Draw a second breath, and exhale.

 

On the third deep breath, says Dr. Luskin, create an image of someone

you love or of a beautiful place in nature that fills you with awe: a

beautiful beach, a path through a majestic redwood forest, a mountain

stream tumbling over rocks. Breathe deeply as your mind explores the

natural beauty around you. Notice how you feel, and allow those

feelings to center on the area around your heart.

 

Now, ask this peaceful part of you what you can do to help yourself

feel better. Then, when you've received an answer, open your eyes, and

put it into action.

 

Make It Right

" To make amends, you look for a way to be kind to those you have

hurt, " says Dr. Luskin. If you spent half the family's monthly food

budget on a new coat, make it up to them by turning out the tastiest

meals ever cooked on a shoestring. Didn't get to your son's

championship soccer game until the second half? Make it right by

volunteering to be next year's assistant coach.

 

Even if the person you hurt is dead or otherwise absent from your

life, you can still make things up by providing a kindness to someone

else, says Dr. Luskin. " Think you were a bad parent? Okay, you can't

go back and change things now, but can you go out of your way to be an

outstanding grandparent? Can you join a Big Brothers or Big Sisters

organization and provide some guidance and companionship to somebody

else's child?

 

" Do good rather than feel bad, " says Dr. Luskin. Not only will you

forgive yourself, but doing so will turn your life around in ways that

you can only imagine.

 

Lose the Wicked Witch Thing

Once you've made amends, it's time to stop telling yourself the old

story in which you're the Wicked Witch of the West. Start telling

yourself a new story: a heroic story in which, despite your human

frailties, you do everything in your power to be a forgiving person.

 

Susan is my particular hero. As she learned to forgive herself for

moving her mom into a special residence, she also learned how to

forgive her mother for a childhood of less than loving words. Today,

Susan visits her mom once a week and calls her every few days. And

although her mom is just as nasty as ever--some things never

change--the two women have never been closer.

 

Put Things in Perspective

Once a day, think of all the kind and loving things you've done today

alone: the stray dog you picked up and returned to its owner, the

crying child you distracted so its mother could eat her lunch, the dry

cleaning you picked up after work so that your honey could exercise.

Think about it for very long, and you'll realize that you've become

one amazing person!