a quick hello

[Guest guest]

Hello everyone..

I just thought after lurking for a few weeks that I would take a

minute and introduce myself to you fine people.. I have been enjoying

the posts that come along and the positive healing attitudes that can

be felt from this group.

My name is Lainey and I am a 56 year old woman from New York,

presently trying to build up enough self esteem and I guess I would

define it as courage to leave a 38 year abusive marriage, trying to

deal with health issues that I am sure partially stemmed from the

stress caused by staying and alot of guilt for exposing my now adult

children to such an abnormal family life. I came from a " normal "

family having had a very happy childhood and teenage years and never

even thought a life like this existed.

I read your post Kev, and as much as I could feel your pain I also

felt in a way you seemed lucky..in an underlying way, to have someone

that wasnt worthy enough leave..show their true colors and free you

up to possibly receive so much more..

it is always hard when you are in something to see it clearly, I know

myself when things get emotional I go into a fog, whether that be for

protection or just something I do... I now recognize it, still cant

do anything about it but at least know it... a step in the right

direction.

Change is very difficult and needs alot of self confidence and hope.

something I dont have much of right now..but know I am capable of

finding inside somewhere..I just need to learn where and how to look

and find it...The posts that have come thru with the affirmations and

the self esteem have been joys to read.. and I just wanted to say

Hello and to thank those that have posted such positive healing

things..

 

Lainey

[Guest guest]

Dear Lainey, Dear Heart.....As I read your message, I felt the depth and

resonance of every

word. I hereby reach out to you to remind you that the niggling you feel within

about

trying to muster " enough self esteem and courage to leave a 38-year abusive

marriage " is

your own Wisdom and Inner Light wanting to shine on through. I know that you

have

everything you need right there within yourself. You have generations of

courage and

strength within your DNA. This thing called life (which I see as our own

personal day-to-

day journal or manuscript, composed by the choices we make) is yours for the

remaking.

 

That first step away from the abusive familiar can appear shakey and

frightening, but fear

in this regard is almost always an illusion. (and if bodily injury is a

concern, there are

always Safe Houses to which a woman can relocate) I also know that there are

many

supportive groups available to you to help you take that first step. Back in

the day in my

own story, I found great strength in Al-Anon (Adults Children of Alcolhics)

meetings,

wherein I learned to undo my own patterns of behavior which were holding me in

the stuck

mode.

 

There is power and joy inherent in the " New Lainey " journey ahead. It is never

too late to

have a good life. Your realizing and wanting it is the all important first

step....as

everything begins in mind. Believe. See the life you truly want and deserve.

Allow for the

support you need. Take action on your own behalf and be that example to your

children

that your heart wishes you to be.

 

Praying for you,

Cathleen Springer

Certified Homeopath & Principal Instructor

HOMEOPATHY TELESEMINAR TRAINING

www.cathleenspringer.com

 

 

 

, " Lainey " <Lainey513 wrote:

>

> Hello everyone..

> I just thought after lurking for a few weeks that I would take a

> minute and introduce myself to you fine people.. I have been enjoying

> the posts that come along and the positive healing attitudes that can

> be felt from this group.

> My name is Lainey and I am a 56 year old woman from New York,

> presently trying to build up enough self esteem and I guess I would

> define it as courage to leave a 38 year abusive marriage, trying to

> deal with health issues that I am sure partially stemmed from the

> stress caused by staying and alot of guilt for exposing my now adult

> children to such an abnormal family life. I came from a " normal "

> family having had a very happy childhood and teenage years and never

> even thought a life like this existed.

> I read your post Kev, and as much as I could feel your pain I also

> felt in a way you seemed lucky..in an underlying way, to have someone

> that wasnt worthy enough leave..show their true colors and free you

> up to possibly receive so much more..

> it is always hard when you are in something to see it clearly, I know

> myself when things get emotional I go into a fog, whether that be for

> protection or just something I do... I now recognize it, still cant

> do anything about it but at least know it... a step in the right

> direction.

> Change is very difficult and needs alot of self confidence and hope.

> something I dont have much of right now..but know I am capable of

> finding inside somewhere..I just need to learn where and how to look

> and find it...The posts that have come thru with the affirmations and

> the self esteem have been joys to read.. and I just wanted to say

> Hello and to thank those that have posted such positive healing

> things..

>

> Lainey

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Lainey,

Good for you! Stay strong and don't give up. Leaving

is the hardest part and then not going back. I have

been out of my abuse for 22 years and I am greatful

for the support I had that made it the least bit

easier. Find a local support group that you can go to

when things get tough and you need a hug. I used those

systems until I had the ex out of mine. Love your

children and love yourself even more. Eventually you

will be able to look at it as a long term learning

experience and be greaful for what you learned. Don't

feel guilty for long. Work through that and let it go.

Guilt will trip you up in your healing process. You

can get through this hard time and come out shining!

 

Best Wishes, Luck and Support

Jenny Kernan

 

 

--- Lainey <Lainey513 wrote:

 

> Hello everyone..

> I just thought after lurking for a few weeks that I

> would take a

> minute and introduce myself to you fine people.. I

> have been enjoying

> the posts that come along and the positive healing

> attitudes that can

> be felt from this group.

> My name is Lainey and I am a 56 year old woman from

> New York,

> presently trying to build up enough self esteem and

> I guess I would

> define it as courage to leave a 38 year abusive

> marriage, trying to

> deal with health issues that I am sure partially

> stemmed from the

> stress caused by staying and alot of guilt for

> exposing my now adult

> children to such an abnormal family life. I came

> from a " normal "

> family having had a very happy childhood and teenage

> years and never

> even thought a life like this existed.

> I read your post Kev, and as much as I could feel

> your pain I also

> felt in a way you seemed lucky..in an underlying

> way, to have someone

> that wasnt worthy enough leave..show their true

> colors and free you

> up to possibly receive so much more..

> it is always hard when you are in something to see

> it clearly, I know

> myself when things get emotional I go into a fog,

> whether that be for

> protection or just something I do... I now recognize

> it, still cant

> do anything about it but at least know it... a step

> in the right

> direction.

> Change is very difficult and needs alot of self

> confidence and hope.

> something I dont have much of right now..but know I

> am capable of

> finding inside somewhere..I just need to learn where

> and how to look

> and find it...The posts that have come thru with the

> affirmations and

> the self esteem have been joys to read.. and I just

> wanted to say

> Hello and to thank those that have posted such

> positive healing

> things..

>

> Lainey

>

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome Lainey! You'll find a lot of information and inspiration here.

 

I read a lot of hope into your message. You really are on the right track.

Maybe it's only baby steps at the moment, but keep on and soon maybe

you can take bigger leaps.

 

You were a mere child when you married; you couldn't have known what

was coming. I'm sure enduring that for 38 years, starting from being only

18 would do quite a number of your self esteem. You can do it, though.

It's never too late.

 

I married at 22 into a slightly abusive relationship that only worsened. But

I couldn't see clearly what to do. One day, the fog lifted, and I couldn't

have been more clear, more determined to get out or more calm. Funny thing

is that my husband had threatened me before that he would not

let me leave, but he then also saw a different woman. He became nicer than

nice, trying to get me to change my mind. Didn't work; I knew what I knew

then!

 

Change is difficult at times, but you can do it, I know. Hang in there, and

keep working on it. Just think of your life without this, with the health

problems falling away and living the life you were meant to live. We women

can be amazingly strong. Don't let anyone tell you differently, especially

your own self.

 

Cindy

 

Cindy Kirchhoff, life coach

http://livinginrhyme.com

Reclaim your power and passion

 

, " Lainey " <Lainey513 wrote:

>

> Hello everyone..

> I just thought after lurking for a few weeks that I would take a

> minute and introduce myself to you fine people.. I have been enjoying

> the posts that come along and the positive healing attitudes that can

> be felt from this group.

> My name is Lainey and I am a 56 year old woman from New York,

> presently trying to build up enough self esteem and I guess I would

> define it as courage to leave a 38 year abusive marriage, trying to

> deal with health issues that I am sure partially stemmed from the

> stress caused by staying and alot of guilt for exposing my now adult

[Guest guest]

Dear Cathleen..

thank you so very much for your compassionate letter, it brought

tears to my eyes when I read it the first time and each time that I

reread it.. that someone understood what I was saying to the depth

you did touches me deeply..

Most days lately I have not been understood to say the least..

sometimes not even understanding myself.. Your letter spoke volumes

directly to my heart reflecting what I have been feeling but perhaps

unable to get in touch with thru the fog..

You are so right that fear in this type of situation is illusion and

I saw that clearly today thru yet another screaming match that I

basically walked away from, knowing fear tactics were being used but

had lost their controling effect. Which made me feel strong.

I have been to a number of 12 step groups in the past, including the

codependant groups, which did give wonderful information and help at

the time. Right now some health issues prevent me from going again

but its definately something to keep in mind for later on..

I definately can relate when you said:

" my own patterns of behavior which were holding me in the stuck

> mode. "

I know it all has to do with my inablity to change my own patterns

and choose better for myself. I have felt so stuck for so long

knowing it was my own choosing but not sure how to change it.. even

writing that sounds silly and absurd, nevertheless true and real... I

am not sure how to get in touch with what those patterns are and how

to change them as of yet, but even knowing to look at that further is

a help, and I thank you for that suggestion also..

Staying positive and Believeing I know are two important steps that I

need to work on and keep getting back to.

Thank you again so much with all my heart for your uplifting words

and caring. I truly appreciate it..

 

Lainey

 

, " cathleensp "

<cathleen wrote:

>

> Dear Lainey, Dear Heart.....As I read your message, I felt the

depth and resonance of every

> word. I hereby reach out to you to remind you that the niggling

you feel within about

> trying to muster " enough self esteem and courage to leave a 38-year

abusive marriage " is

> your own Wisdom and Inner Light wanting to shine on through. I

know that you have

> everything you need right there within yourself. You have

generations of courage and

> strength within your DNA. This thing called life (which I see as

our own personal day-to-

> day journal or manuscript, composed by the choices we make) is

yours for the remaking.

>

> That first step away from the abusive familiar can appear shakey

and frightening, but fear

> in this regard is almost always an illusion. (and if bodily injury

is a concern, there are

> always Safe Houses to which a woman can relocate) I also know that

there are many

> supportive groups available to you to help you take that first

step. Back in the day in my

> own story, I found great strength in Al-Anon (Adults Children of

Alcolhics) meetings,

> wherein I learned to undo my own patterns of behavior which were

holding me in the stuck

> mode.

>

> There is power and joy inherent in the " New Lainey " journey ahead.

It is never too late to

> have a good life. Your realizing and wanting it is the all

important first step....as

> everything begins in mind. Believe. See the life you truly want

and deserve. Allow for the

> support you need. Take action on your own behalf and be that

example to your children

> that your heart wishes you to be.

>

> Praying for you,

> Cathleen Springer

> Certified Homeopath & Principal Instructor

> HOMEOPATHY TELESEMINAR TRAINING

> www.cathleenspringer.com

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hello Cindy..

thank you so much for the warm welcome and your inspirinng words. You

are right, in the short time I have been a member of this group I

have felt so much inspiration coming thru the posts here.

 

thank you for hearing me and understanding. Sometimes it feels like

one babystep forward - two back. but the two back lately have been

really bothering me whereas before they felt like the safe place.

Yes I agree I was a child when this all began and probably coming

from what was a relatively healthy family life there was an

underlying message to endure, for the children, for the times

whatever.. Things were very different socially also 38 years ago.

 

He tried to strip all of us of our self esteem to make him feel

better about himself and when I think of it.. all 3 of us especially

myself and my daughter werent horribly affected in that area.. He was

very hard on my son and I tried to combat that as much as I could by

doing alot of talking to him. We had a sign where I would put my hand

to one ear and then to the other which meant dont listen to what he

says in one ear and out the other.. Both of my kids grew up to be

compassionate caring adults which I dont credit one bit to him so

that in itself makes me proud.. but alot of times now I feel pitiful

for staying here and not getting out.

Thank you for sharing a bit of your own experience and letting me

know that you know " the fog " . that is what i need is a lifting of the

fog... what you describe is I think what is happeneing now....he is

switching back and forth from horrible to nice because I think he

feels the change..and he thinks being nice for a few hours will

change things and then when it doesnt work gets infuriated.

 

I have never been one to embrace change and have always envied people

who do that easily..and the times where things did change around me

where the times where things worked out really well. so there

shouldnt be any doubt especially about this... and there is my

blockage..

You are very right I need to keep on thinking of all of this life

falling away, the health issues falling away and me living without

the stress, enjoying the laughter with my daughter and her baby and

liking smiling again..

Yes, Cindy, we woman can be amazingly strong in what we endure and

how we hold onto our sanity. we just need to learn to take care of

ourselves the way we have taken care of everyone around us for so long

Thank you once again for your warm caring letter. I so appreciate it..

 

Lainey

 

, " kiaradaze "

<ckirchhoff wrote:

>

> Welcome Lainey! You'll find a lot of information and inspiration

here.

>

> I read a lot of hope into your message. You really are on the right

track.

> Maybe it's only baby steps at the moment, but keep on and soon maybe

> you can take bigger leaps.

>

> You were a mere child when you married; you couldn't have known what

> was coming. I'm sure enduring that for 38 years, starting from

being only

> 18 would do quite a number of your self esteem. You can do it,

though.

> It's never too late.

>

> I married at 22 into a slightly abusive relationship that only

worsened. But

> I couldn't see clearly what to do. One day, the fog lifted, and I

couldn't

> have been more clear, more determined to get out or more calm.

Funny thing

> is that my husband had threatened me before that he would not

> let me leave, but he then also saw a different woman. He became

nicer than

> nice, trying to get me to change my mind. Didn't work; I knew what

I knew

> then!

>

> Change is difficult at times, but you can do it, I know. Hang in

there, and

> keep working on it. Just think of your life without this, with the

health

> problems falling away and living the life you were meant to live.

We women

> can be amazingly strong. Don't let anyone tell you differently,

especially

> your own self.

>

> Cindy

>

> Cindy Kirchhoff, life coach

> http://livinginrhyme.com

> Reclaim your power and passion

>

[Guest guest]

Hello Jenny,

Thank you so much for your supportive letter. I so appreciate the

encouragement, especially from someone who has been there and never

looked back. Your right leaving is the hardest part. I did once when

the police were called and I was told to leave because he was too

drunk to drive, but unfortunately I listened to the lies and did come

back.. thats like smoking.. one drag and youve failed.. Ive learned

my lesson there too.. once out never look back..

I agree Jenny.. most of the time when looking back the strongest

lessons in life come the in most trying ways and yet if you didnt go

thru them you would have never learned. I have to remember that too

at these times.

As far as the guilt goes. I dont think I will dwell on it but I have

just begun to feel it for some strange reason, perhaps because I am

beginning to look at all of it instead of fooling myself and ignoring

what really did happen.. which is probably a good thing too.

I loved your last sentence, I love to shine : ) and feeling the

outcome I think your right..

thanks again for all your encourageing words.

 

Lainey

 

, Jenny Kernan

<rainysnana wrote:

>

> Hi Lainey,

> Good for you! Stay strong and don't give up. Leaving

> is the hardest part and then not going back. I have

> been out of my abuse for 22 years and I am greatful

> for the support I had that made it the least bit

> easier. Find a local support group that you can go to

> when things get tough and you need a hug. I used those

> systems until I had the ex out of mine. Love your

> children and love yourself even more. Eventually you

> will be able to look at it as a long term learning

> experience and be greaful for what you learned. Don't

> feel guilty for long. Work through that and let it go.

> Guilt will trip you up in your healing process. You

> can get through this hard time and come out shining!

>

> Best Wishes, Luck and Support

> Jenny Kernan

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Lainey,

 

You are most welcome. I am here anytime you need to

talk.

 

I've been there too....he left (the police made him,

several times, I let him come back) I left, came back.

A vicious cycle. He always had me believing that no

one else would want me. 22 years later I can actually

laugh at him! Knowing he was such a liar. :-) My

biggest fear/hook was he wouldn't let me take my

children with me. I left when I could make sure I

could do that.

 

I know now that I did the best thing for all involved.

I felt guilty for too many years for depriving my

children of their father etc. Now I know I gave them a

chance to be something better by leaving.

 

Good Luck and Best Wishes

Jenny Kernan

 

--- Lainey <Lainey513 wrote:

 

> Hello Jenny,

> Thank you so much for your supportive letter. I so

> appreciate the

> encouragement, especially from someone who has been

> there and never

> looked back. Your right leaving is the hardest part.

> I did once when

> the police were called and I was told to leave

> because he was too

> drunk to drive, but unfortunately I listened to the

> lies and did come

> back.. thats like smoking.. one drag and youve

> failed.. Ive learned

> my lesson there too.. once out never look back..

> I agree Jenny.. most of the time when looking back

> the strongest

> lessons in life come the in most trying ways and yet

> if you didnt go

> thru them you would have never learned. I have to

> remember that too

> at these times.

> As far as the guilt goes. I dont think I will dwell

> on it but I have

> just begun to feel it for some strange reason,

> perhaps because I am

> beginning to look at all of it instead of fooling

> myself and ignoring

> what really did happen.. which is probably a good

> thing too.

> I loved your last sentence, I love to shine : ) and

> feeling the

> outcome I think your right..

> thanks again for all your encourageing words.

>

> Lainey

>

> , Jenny

> Kernan

> <rainysnana wrote:

> >

> > Hi Lainey,

> > Good for you! Stay strong and don't give up.

> Leaving

> > is the hardest part and then not going back. I

> have

> > been out of my abuse for 22 years and I am

> greatful

> > for the support I had that made it the least bit

> > easier. Find a local support group that you can go

> to

> > when things get tough and you need a hug. I used

> those

> > systems until I had the ex out of mine. Love your

> > children and love yourself even more. Eventually

> you

> > will be able to look at it as a long term learning

> > experience and be greaful for what you learned.

> Don't

> > feel guilty for long. Work through that and let it

> go.

> > Guilt will trip you up in your healing process.

> You

> > can get through this hard time and come out

> shining!

> >

> > Best Wishes, Luck and Support

> > Jenny Kernan

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You're welcome, Lainey. I can so thoroughly understand where you are at this

moment and

definitely hear you. As do the other women here who have, unfortunately, *been

there,

done that.* I hope to one day soon concentrate some work and writing on this

subject. I

hate seeing women going through this again and again. If there is some way to

help

women and girls before they get so deep into these abusive relationships, I

would be

thrilled.

 

So much of what these guys do is classic. Stripping you of your self esteem is

part of that.

In some strange way, I think abusive men feel like that empowers them. Of

course, it does

not. I also think it's because they feel such a lack of self esteem themselves.

If you feel

great about yourself, you don't need to tear down others. So, recognize that

you're way

ahead in that respect.

 

My ex always told me that I had to stay with him because I was so ugly, no one

else would

want me. Yes, I believed that, even though everyone told me how cute I was. (And

I

embrace being cute today even at 52!) When I look back, I see how absurd that

was. If

anyone wanted to call anyone ugly, he'd fit the bill pretty nicely!

 

I think recognizing what is going on, talking about it, asking for help and

making those

baby steps all are great starts. You're much better off since you're in that

place than if you

still were in denial.

 

A big set of congratulations and a warm hug in raising caring children and being

a great

mom despite what you were enduring. That takes a very, very special person. You

should

be proud! I can't wait to see you come out of this. Who you are is amazing, and

who you

will be soon will be the icing on the cake. Keep thinking of you on the other

side of this -

warm, loving, happy, strong. Let that take down the blocks and help restore you

to the life

you deserve.

 

I have faith you'll do it,

Cindy

 

Cindy Kirchhoff, life coach

http://livinginrhyme.com

Reclaim your power and passion

 

, " Lainey " <Lainey513 wrote:

>

> Hello Cindy..

> thank you so much for the warm welcome and your inspirinng words. You

> are right, in the short time I have been a member of this group I

> have felt so much inspiration coming thru the posts here.

>

> thank you for hearing me and understanding. Sometimes it feels like

> one babystep forward - two back. but the two back lately have been

> really bothering me whereas before they felt like the safe place.

> Yes I agree I was a child when this all began and probably coming

> from what was a relatively healthy family life there was an

> underlying message to endure, for the children, for the times

> whatever.. Things were very different socially also 38 years ago.

>

> He tried to strip all of us of our self esteem to make him feel

> better about himself and when I think of it.. all 3 of us especially

> myself and my daughter werent horribly affected in that area.. He was

> very hard on my son and I tried to combat that as much as I could by

> doing alot of talking to him. We had a sign where I would put my hand

> to one ear and then to the other which meant dont listen to what he

> says in one ear and out the other.. Both of my kids grew up to be

> compassionate caring adults which I dont credit one bit to him so

> that in itself makes me proud.. but alot of times now I feel pitiful

> for staying here and not getting out.

> Thank you for sharing a bit of your own experience and letting me

> know that you know " the fog " . that is what i need is a lifting of the

> fog... what you describe is I think what is happeneing now....he is

> switching back and forth from horrible to nice because I think he

> feels the change..and he thinks being nice for a few hours will

> change things and then when it doesnt work gets infuriated.

>

> I have never been one to embrace change and have always envied people

> who do that easily..and the times where things did change around me

> where the times where things worked out really well. so there

> shouldnt be any doubt especially about this... and there is my

> blockage..

> You are very right I need to keep on thinking of all of this life

> falling away, the health issues falling away and me living without

> the stress, enjoying the laughter with my daughter and her baby and

> liking smiling again..

> Yes, Cindy, we woman can be amazingly strong in what we endure and

> how we hold onto our sanity. we just need to learn to take care of

> ourselves the way we have taken care of everyone around us for so long

> Thank you once again for your warm caring letter. I so appreciate it..

>

> Lainey

[Guest guest]

Hi Jenny..

thank you so much for your sweet offer to talk.. it sure feels good

to have an option like that.. sometimes it feels very alone where I

am.. I think that is one of the biggest things is feeling more alone

here than if I was actually alone.. funny thing is I dont mind being

alone.. so thank you for your offer..

your experience sounds so much like mine.. When I called the police

they made me leave with my cat because he was too drunk to go

anywhere.. I was super annoyed at that to say the least but it got me

out and that is where I should have stayed.. I did for a month but

like you said he talked me into coming back with all those false

promises and lies..

so many times.. SHOULD HAVE....

and yes it is a vicious cycle.. that is how it is now.. each day

fighting and screaming then he acts like everything is fine..I try to

stay away from him and get involved in my knitting but its enough to

make you crazy which at times I feel like I am..

an yes they have you believeing that no one would want you thats the

control.. until sometimes even by accident you find out what liars

they are when someone actually does and then all their lies come

tumbling down and you can see it for what it really is..

Oh I envy you Jenny being away from it for 22 years.. even know I

picture being out and the calmness that will come with that but it

still seems such a far way away..

I need to get my comfort zones straight, I was thinking about that

today..

well Jenny thanks again.. I appreciate your help..

Lainey

 

, Jenny Kernan

<rainysnana wrote:

>

> Hi Lainey,

>

> You are most welcome. I am here anytime you need to

> talk.

>

> I've been there too....he left (the police made him,

> several times, I let him come back) I left, came back.

> A vicious cycle. He always had me believing that no

> one else would want me. 22 years later I can actually

> laugh at him! Knowing he was such a liar. :-) My

> biggest fear/hook was he wouldn't let me take my

> children with me. I left when I could make sure I

> could do that.

>

> I know now that I did the best thing for all involved.

> I felt guilty for too many years for depriving my

> children of their father etc. Now I know I gave them a

> chance to be something better by leaving.

>

> Good Luck and Best Wishes

> Jenny Kernan

>

[Guest guest]

-Hi Cindy..

once again thank you for your supportive, uplifting letter.. I should

stay on this computer because since I have joined this list I have a

place to go to find strength when I need it and it is from letters

like yours from you sweet woman who have reached out to me having

been there yourselves.. I cant even begin to tell you how much your

words mean to me.. thank you..

I agree with you so much, Cindy.. and have oft times thought to

myself if only they stressed this in Girls gym class..or one of the

other girlie subjects... how much more important is this knowledge

than climbing the ropes which most of us never have done again.. As

far as it was with me, one mistake and my whole life changed for the

worse.. to something I never imagined ever existed. To let young

girls know that these kind of men exist and what to look for is

indeed an important thing, and each one of us who has any daughters,

neices friends etc, should have a talk with them. although sometimes

it is a hard subject to get to..

I definately agree with you, and these abusive men have patterns that

they all use and stripping of self estemm is a huge one. Someone who

is secure within themselves and loves someone would never do or say

anything like that to someone they cared about.. but with these men

it gives them power and control and that is exactly what they want.

I think control goes along with abuse and rage when the conrol is

stripped from them by us getting back that self esteem they try to

take..

I am constantly being called names, me.. my mother, my sister, now

even my children by him.. he will use anything if he sees it gets a

rise out of me.. and now knowing that I agree with him and walk away

laughing which leaves him mortified and I am sure totally annoyed but

it also I think makes him know he cant get to me anymore. I used to

be constantly in tears and sometimes I still am but it is out of his

sight.. I WILL NOT give him that power anymore..

Isnt it amazing Cindy how ugly their personality makes them? I

cannot even look at him lately and do all I can to not have to..

nothing to me is uglier than a mean heart..

thank you so much for the hug..my kids are great people despite what

they had to go thru growing up, which I cant even imagine since my

childhood was a fairytale and had a father who adored me and let me

know it all the time..but in talking to my daughter, she has said it

has made her strong. and in todays world you need to be strong.. so

things work out the way they are supposed to I suppose.. but they

were my life.. nothing and no one was more important to me, and I

made sure they always knew that..

Thank you again Cindy for being my cheering section.. I am going to

save this email to go back to when I need to remember those things..

which I know lately seems to be at least once a day..

sending hugs for all your support..

thank you

Lainey

 

-- In , " kiaradaze "

<ckirchhoff wrote:

>

> You're welcome, Lainey. I can so thoroughly understand where you

are at this moment and

> definitely hear you. As do the other women here who have,

unfortunately, *been there,

> done that.* I hope to one day soon concentrate some work and

writing on this subject. I

> hate seeing women going through this again and again. If there is

some way to help

> women and girls before they get so deep into these abusive

relationships, I would be

> thrilled.

>

> So much of what these guys do is classic. Stripping you of your

self esteem is part of that.

> In some strange way, I think abusive men feel like that empowers

them. Of course, it does

> not. I also think it's because they feel such a lack of self esteem

themselves. If you feel

> great about yourself, you don't need to tear down others. So,

recognize that you're way

> ahead in that respect.

>

> My ex always told me that I had to stay with him because I was so

ugly, no one else would

> want me. Yes, I believed that, even though everyone told me how

cute I was. (And I

> embrace being cute today even at 52!) When I look back, I see how

absurd that was. If

> anyone wanted to call anyone ugly, he'd fit the bill pretty nicely!

>

> I think recognizing what is going on, talking about it, asking for

help and making those

> baby steps all are great starts. You're much better off since

you're in that place than if you

> still were in denial.

>

> A big set of congratulations and a warm hug in raising caring

children and being a great

> mom despite what you were enduring. That takes a very, very special

person. You should

> be proud! I can't wait to see you come out of this. Who you are is

amazing, and who you

> will be soon will be the icing on the cake. Keep thinking of you on

the other side of this -

> warm, loving, happy, strong. Let that take down the blocks and help

restore you to the life

> you deserve.

>

> I have faith you'll do it,

> Cindy

>

> Cindy Kirchhoff, life coach

> http://livinginrhyme.com

> Reclaim your power and passion

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Lainey,

 

Oprah Winfrey recently did a show about women being in abusive

relationships.

 

Her website may have some info there, but the main thing I remember about

the show is that they insisted that the woman should have a plan made out

before she leaves.

 

You need to plan where you are going, what items you will take, what money

you will have, and have a friend who knows what is going on who can help you

stay strong.

 

This one family had all their bags packed and at the right moment, they took

off and never looked back.

 

It sounds to me like you are almost ready to step firmly and decisively away

from your husband.

 

Remember, our reality is changeable. The only thing making our life the way

it is, is our own choice to stay where we are.

 

 

 

Please keep up posted. I am rooting for you Lainey!

 

 

 

Health & Happiness To You,

~Leese

 

_____

 

 

On Behalf Of Lainey

Tuesday, June 19, 2007 11:41 PM

 

Re: a quick hello

 

 

 

Hello Jenny,

Thank you so much for your supportive letter. I so appreciate the

encouragement, especially from someone who has been there and never

looked back. Your right leaving is the hardest part. I did once when

the police were called and I was told to leave because he was too

drunk to drive, but unfortunately I listened to the lies and did come

back.. thats like smoking.. one drag and youve failed.. Ive learned

my lesson there too.. once out never look back..

I agree Jenny.. most of the time when looking back the strongest

lessons in life come the in most trying ways and yet if you didnt go

thru them you would have never learned. I have to remember that too

at these times.

As far as the guilt goes. I dont think I will dwell on it but I have

just begun to feel it for some strange reason, perhaps because I am

beginning to look at all of it instead of fooling myself and ignoring

what really did happen.. which is probably a good thing too.

I loved your last sentence, I love to shine : ) and feeling the

outcome I think your right..

thanks again for all your encourageing words.

 

Lainey

 

@ <%40>

, Jenny Kernan

<rainysnana wrote:

>

> Hi Lainey,

> Good for you! Stay strong and don't give up. Leaving

> is the hardest part and then not going back. I have

> been out of my abuse for 22 years and I am greatful

> for the support I had that made it the least bit

> easier. Find a local support group that you can go to

> when things get tough and you need a hug. I used those

> systems until I had the ex out of mine. Love your

> children and love yourself even more. Eventually you

> will be able to look at it as a long term learning

> experience and be greaful for what you learned. Don't

> feel guilty for long. Work through that and let it go.

> Guilt will trip you up in your healing process. You

> can get through this hard time and come out shining!

>

> Best Wishes, Luck and Support

> Jenny Kernan

>

>

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Hi Leese..

thank you for your sweet, supportive letter.. its truly amazing that

there are so many women in this situation and its wonderful that

Oprah and people with the power to reach and educate many people do..

I agree whole heartly that the only thing keeping us in a presently

bad situation is our own choice.. which is what I am trying very hard

to change.. Each day I get closer to the confidence that I can do

this but dont want to be careless or stupid in how I go about it.

fortunately there has never really been physical abuse except one

time, but he has physically abused woman he has had affairs with, so

I know there is the possibility of it, here so far it is just severe

mental and verbal abuse coming from someone who I truly believe now

is not mentally right.

I am trying really hard to get some resolutions to some health

problems and once that is taken care of and I am a bit stronger I

know I will be out of here.. sometimes it still feels a bit surreal

but it is also feeling more possible..

thanks again for your note..

and your support,

 

Lainey : )

 

, " LISA " <merekitten

wrote:

>

> Hi Lainey,

>

> Oprah Winfrey recently did a show about women being in abusive

> relationships.

>

> Her website may have some info there, but the main thing I remember

about

> the show is that they insisted that the woman should have a plan

made out

> before she leaves.

>

> You need to plan where you are going, what items you will take,

what money

> you will have, and have a friend who knows what is going on who can

help you

> stay strong.

>

> This one family had all their bags packed and at the right moment,

they took

> off and never looked back.

>

> It sounds to me like you are almost ready to step firmly and

decisively away

> from your husband.

>

> Remember, our reality is changeable. The only thing making our life

the way

> it is, is our own choice to stay where we are.

>

>

>

> Please keep up posted. I am rooting for you Lainey!

>

>

>

> Health & Happiness To You,

> ~Leese

>

> _____

>

>

[Guest guest]

You're again very welcome, Lainey. Supporting other women is what I intend my

life to be

all about. It's good you've found a place where you can vent, get opinions,

absorb some

strength. Keep reaching out, and keep growing stronger.

 

I'm amazed that you mention that the police came one time and had you leave

because

your husband was too drunk. Why in the world they didn't just haul his butt off

to jail, I

don't understand. Unless - I suppose - he wasn't doing anything. I think some

police need

more training in this issue also.

 

But you know what? You did leave and you did survive. One big step - rinse and

repeat! :-)

Do not let him suck you back in; you know what you know. You'll be fine - in

fact better

than fine - when you're out for good. Whatever he's told you is an absolute lie.

Don't

believe it for a heartbeat. You're stronger, smarter and much better able to

create a good

life than he's trying to make you believe.

 

Look at me and Jenny and lots of other women. We're out; we made it; we have no

regrets.

You don't deserve to live this life any longer. In the meantime, stay calm and

grounded.

Don't allow him to get a rise out of you. Turn a deaf ear to his comments, and

think about

something else. I'm glad he at least isn't physically abusive, but emotional

abuse wounds

pretty deep, too.

 

Take care,

Cindy

 

Cindy Kirchhoff, life coach

http://livinginrhyme.com

Reclaim your power and passion

 

, " Lainey " <Lainey513 wrote:

>

> -Hi Cindy..

> once again thank you for your supportive, uplifting letter.. I should

> stay on this computer because since I have joined this list I have a

> place to go to find strength when I need it and it is from letters

> like yours from you sweet woman who have reached out to me having

> been there yourselves.. I cant even begin to tell you how much your

> words mean to me.. thank you..