jokes

[Guest guest]

When I first started college, the Dean came in and said

" Good Morning " to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he

responded " Ah, you're Freshmen. "

He explained.

 

" When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good

morning back, they're Freshmen. When they put their

newspapers down and open their books, they're Sophomores. When

they look up so they can see the who's talking over the tops

of the newspapers, they're juniors. And when they put

their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they're seniors.

" And when you walk in and say good morning, and they write

it down, they're graduate students. "

....................................

 

A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed

twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be

retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned,

they struck up a conversation.

 

The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all

over the county. " I've had a pretty good life, " the twenty

proclaimed. " Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the

finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway,

and even a cruise to the Caribbean. " " Wow! " said the one

dollar bill. " You've really had an exciting life! "

 

" So tell me, " says the twenty, " where have you been

throughout your lifetime? "

 

The one dollar bill replies, " Oh, I've been to the

Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ... "

 

The twenty dollar bill interrupts, " What's a church? "

.......................................

 

-- I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't

know what to feed it.

 

-- I had amnesia once -- or twice.

 

-- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were

Catholic.

 

-- What is a " free " gift? Aren't all gifts free?

 

-- They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

 

-- Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home

and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car

onto a freeway.

 

-- Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

 

-- Experience is the thing you have left when everything

else is gone.

 

-- What if there were no hypothetical questions?

 

-- One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about

other people.

 

-- When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem

begins to look like a nail.

 

-- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

 

-- My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

 

-- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

 

-- The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

 

-- How can there be self-help " groups " ?

 

-- Is there another word for synonym?

 

-- Where do forest rangers go to " get away from it all " ?

 

-- The speed of time is one-second per second.

 

-- Is it possible to be totally partial?

 

-- What's another word for thesaurus?

 

-- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you

explain whales?

 

-- It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

 

-- Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like

chicken?

.........................

 

These are from potential visitors. They were posted on an

Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual

responses by the website officials, who obviously have a

snide sense of humor.

 

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen

it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit

around watching them die.

 

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

 

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the

railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of

water.

 

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available

all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/

gatherers. Milk is illegal.

 

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can

dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come

from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be

safely handled and make good pets, especially The Taipans.

..............................

 

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were

married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to

smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine.

 

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in

Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking

on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet

one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she

would like a ride.

 

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of

small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat

silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying

every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat

next to Sally.

 

" What's in the bag? " asked the old woman.

 

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, " It's a bottle

of wine...got it for my husband. " The Navajo woman was

silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet

wisdom of an elder, she said, " Good trade. "

..................................

 

The local high school has a policy that the parents must

call the school if a student is to be absent for the day.

Alice deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her

friends. So she waited until her parents had left for work and

called the school herself.

 

" Hi, I'm calling to report that Alice is unable to make it

to school today because she is ill. "

 

Secretary at high school answered, " I'm sorry to hear that.

I'll note her absence. Who is this calling please? "

 

" This is my mother. "

 

 

 

 

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