Uncle Sam's extreme makeover

[Guest guest]

" Magginkat " <magginkat

Sun, 13 Mar 2005 23:51:39 -0600

Uncle Sam's extreme makeover

 

 

 

 

 

Uncle Sam's extreme makeover

 

There's a bold new spirit in America: Downtrodden workers slaving

harder than ever to build a better life for members of the investor class!

 

March 12, 2005 | Listen. Do you hear it? There's something in the

air, and it's not just mercury emissions. It's a sound, a feeling, a

movement, and like the flock of reporters returning to a courthouse in

Santa Maria, Calif., it's growing bigger every day.

 

All across America, people are witnessing a remarkable transformation.

You can see it in the crowding of a school, feel it in the crumbling

of a bridge, and smell it in the water from a drinking fountain. It's

a new era for a new land, and it's headed your way.

 

As the poet Walt Whitman might have blogged, " I hear America

cringing. " Welcome to America Lite. Now with 3,700 percent more deficit!

 

In America Lite, cutbacks run free and contractors ride off into the

sunset. And seldom is heard a discouraging word in the wide open

spaces of your retiring TV news anchor. Good morning, America Lite!

Join us as we gloss over the results of your Extreme Makeover. Lady

Liberty has had the principles liposuctioned right out of her, Uncle

Sam is on steroids, and the biggest enemy of the United Nations just

got nominated as ambassador to the United Nations. What's next? Lizzie

Borden for secretary of health and human services? MC Hammer for

secretary of the treasury? Donald Rumsfeld for secretary of defense?

But enough about that. We now return you to our regularly scheduled

Martha Marathon, already in progress.

 

Take a gander around America Lite. Check out the infrastructure.

Quaint, isn't it? You've got your roadways, your railroads, your power

grids and whatnot. The American Society of Civil Engineers just gave

it all a D, down from a D-plus in 2001 and 2003. Sure, we could fix

it, but that would cost $1.3 trillion and we need that plus several

billion more just to knock the stuffing out of Social Security. Oh,

frayed new world!

 

In America Lite, folks who lose their Social Security benefits can

still give their regards to Wall Street -- because politicians of all

stripes and every shade of yellow-belly are standing up for the rights

of struggling Americans to give a big fat gift to banks and credit

card companies. Yaaay! Fee at last, fee at last, thank God almighty

we're saddled with a 23.99 percent fee at last.

 

Hey buddy, lost your income while serving National Guard duty in Iraq?

No problem. While you were dodging bullets without a Humvee shield,

the Enron boys were hiding behind their asset shields. So now you too

can feel like a big spender as you keep making house payments long

after the bank forecloses.

 

The shiny new bankruptcy bill, also known as " Serenade of the Quid Pro

Schmoes, " should make it much harder for families with debt to start

over after suffering serious illness, unemployment and other

calamities. Annual premium on your health insurance? $7,000. Cost of a

dilapidated tract house in California? $700,000. Campaign donation for

Beltway robber barons? Priceless.

 

Because in America Lite, we believe that fewer people working harder

than ever can build a better life for every single man, woman and

child who is a member of the investor class. And that's why the

America Lite team is on the job -- everyone's job. For example,

Wal-Mart and other retailers are lobbying Congress to let truckers

work 16-hour days. What good is a crumbling infrastructure without

truckloads of sleep-deprived, pay-cut-pummeled, benefit-burgled,

debt-ridden American drivers to make it more of a challenge? And what

good are nurses if they can't handle a drastic increase in patient

levels? In these exciting times, any unsafe nurse-to-patient staffing

ratios will soon be alleviated by spiraling morbidity rates.

 

In a world where excessive advances in knowledge could present a

serious obstacle to the steady progress of humanity's handbasket along

its hellish trajectory, America Lite is greasing the wheels and paving

the way. Indeed, the Bush budget cuts will help reduce bothersome

research into food security, animal viruses, forestry sustainability

and a lot of other stuff that has never preempted a Katie Couric

exclusive on " Botox for Babies. " Simper Fi, Katie! Meanwhile, NASA is

about to jettison 3,000 of its best and brightest researchers. Because

in America Lite, the study of global climate change and breakthroughs

in aviation safety need never take the place of good old creationism

and confiscation of deadly toenail clippers by the Transportation

Security Association.

 

So sleep well, little citizen. Because in America Lite, you can rest

easy knowing that while your personal passwords are misappropriated,

your sensitive information is being bought and sold, and your identity

has been shipped by next-day air to key demographics in several

states, you will never again be threatened by the terror of a

split-second nipple flash on your countertop TV. And besides, the FBI

is sort of wending its labyrinthine way toward getting on the case. It

has spared no taxpayer expense, pouring $581 million into failed

efforts to overhaul a computer system so antiquated that it was

operational back when people in Ohio and Florida still had the vote.

 

But don't neglect to say your prayers, because in America Lite, the

economy may be faith-based, but the White House doubts the existence

of people who need jobs.

 

So try to win that lottery, hire a team of lawyers and accountants,

and if you still need something to do, run for office to deep-six

medical malpractice lawsuits and high-five the pharmaceutical lobby.

As the American poet once said, " Do I contradict myself? Very well

then, I guess that makes me president. "

 

http://www.salon.com/opinion/feature/2005/03/12/new_america/print.html