Have a nice flight

[Guest guest]

Have a nice flight

 

 

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight

" safety lecture " and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are

some

real examples that have been heard or reported:

 

 

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where

you

want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a

flight

attendant announced, " People, people we're not picking out furniture

here,

find a seat and get in it! "

-----------------------

On a Continental Flight with a very " senior " flight attendant crew, the

pilot said, " Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and

will

be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to

enhance

the appearance of your flight attendants. "

------------------------

On landing, the stewardess said, " Please be sure to take all of your

belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's

something we'd like to have. "

! -------- ----------------

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out

of this airplane "

-----------------------

" Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed

giving

us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride. "

---------------------------

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone

voice came over the loudspeaker: " Whoa, big fella. WHOA! "

-------------------------

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a

flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, " Please take care

opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,

sure

as hell everything has shifted. "

-----------------------

From a Southwest Airlines employee: " Welcome aboard Southwest Flight

245

to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the

buckle,

and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you

don't

know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public

unsupervised. "

---------------------

" In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend

from

the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

If

you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before

assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small

child,

pick your favourite. "

-----------------------

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but

we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,

nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines. "

------------------------

" Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an

emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our

compliments. "

-----------------------

" As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings,

Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight

attendants.. Please do not leave children or spouses. "

---------------------------

And from the pilot during his welcome message: " Delta Airlines is

pleased

to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry,

Unfortunately,

none of them are on this flight! "

-----------------------------

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake

City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, " That was

quite a

bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't

the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight

attendant's fault, it was the asphalt. "

------------------------------

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a

particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain

was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the

Flight

Attendant said, " Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please

remain

in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis

what's

left of our airplane to the gate! "

---------------------

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: " We

ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the

terminal. "

---------------------

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered

his

ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which

required

the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited,

smile,

and give them a " Thanks for flying our airline. " He said that, in light

of

his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,

thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had

gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,

" Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question? " " Why, no, Ma'am, " said the

pilot. " What is it? " The little old lady said, " Did we land, or were we

shot down? "

-------------------

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on

with,

" Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and

the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the

gate.

And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,

we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to

the

terminal. "

------------------

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: " We'd like to thank

you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the

insane

urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we

hope

you'll think of US Airways. "

---------------

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. " Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish

to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you

can light 'em, you can smoke 'em. "

----------------

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a

comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the

intercom, " Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking, Welcome

to

Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles, The weather

ahead

is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.

Now

sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! " Silence followed, and after a few

minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, " Ladies and

Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to

you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my

lap. You should see the front of my pants! "

 

A passenger in Coach yelled, " That's nothing. You should see the back of

mine! "