WE HAFF OUR VAYS............

[Guest guest]

You know the old saying about being able to fool all the people some

of the time. That was our election strategy. Karl's a genius at

working that game: Even though most of the American people were ready

to blame me for the disastrous war in Iraq and the sputtering

economy, they voted for me anyway because we scared them into

thinking the other guys were worse than we are. We never let up on

our buzzwords -- gay marriage, 9/11, terrorists, abortion, evolution,

gay marriage, Bill & Hillary, 9/11, Saddam, Swift Boat vets, gay

marriage, 9/11; all we had to do was pound on those and our electoral

base, led by my evangelical friends, came out to vote with a

vengeance.

 

WE HAFF OUR VAYS

 

Of course, the other side mobilized big-time as well, but we had ways

to minimize their influence, especially those voters not of the white

persuasion: we purged thousands from key state voting rolls; made 'em

stand for hours and hours in the cold and rain at precincts that had

just a few machines (a lot of those voters gave up and headed off to

work); intimidated them by saying we'd challenge their right to vote

if they showed up, or told them that if they had any unpaid parking

tickets they'd be arrested; or, my two favorites: our side handed out

fliers telling them that the election was on Wednesday Nov. 3rd, and

destroyed their new-voter registration forms so they were not on the

precinct lists. Then they were denied Provisional Ballots. Way to go,

Kenny!

 

I'm not even going to get into what we may or may not have happened

when the votes were counted. Let's just say that there are ways that

lead to happy results, even when your opponent is way ahead in the

early exit polls.

 

In any event, I'm still here, and I didn't even have to count on my

Supreme Court buds to install me into the White House this time. I'm

legitimate now. Even got me a mandate. Well, yeah, the victory was

razor thin -- half of the country voted for the other guy -- but it's

a victory, and that's my mandate. I've got " political capital " to

spend -- love that phrase, Karl! -- and, believe me, I'm going to

spend it and flush those liberals and their programs and their party

down the toilet.

 

By the time we finish with them, there will be no Opposition worth

mentioning. I always said it would be easier to rule in a

dictatorship. You vill now click heels, ja?

 

IT WORKED FOR IRAQ WAR, SO WHY NOT?

 

We're going to keep dismantling the Democrat social programs by

slicing away at their sources of funds. We don't have to go out there

and admit that we want to get rid of entitlement programs such as

Social Security. We just start to " privatize " it so that it withers

away on its own.

 

It's a win win win: Young workers believe they'll do much better by

investing in the stock market (of course, we won't tell them that the

market could precipitously decline at any point), which takes funds

out of the system, so those old folks remaining will get less money

somewhere down the road. Or, if the Democrats ever were to regain

power, they'd have to be the ones to raise taxes to fully fund those

benefits. Either way, as those scaredy-cat senior citizens die off,

Social Security will simply fade away. In the meantime, our Wall

Street friends will make out like bandits at all the young-investor

business coming their way, and they'll line our GOP coffers with

steady donations. Win win win. Jeb'll love it.

 

Since fear helped convince the country to go to war in Iraq, we'll

just keep pounding, with a few word changes, a similar drum with

Social Security: " There's an imminent threat to the longterm health

of Social Security, a CRISIS, we've got to do something now. Can't

wait. We need to move NOW, before the mushroom cloud of insolvency

destroys it. No more studies, no more independent inspectors, no more

debate -- get in line and vote NOW to start privatizing this system. "

That should do it.

 

In addition, we'll keep hammering away at the " greedy " trial lawyers,

suing doctors and HMOs and other giant corporations for huge damage

awards. We'll cap the amount they can get from juries, and our

corporate insurance and corporate friends will express their

gratitude to us appropriately. This approach worked for our Medicare

Drug-Discount program, where the pharmaceutical companies -- which

raised the price of their drugs, then offerred a slight discount --

are happy. But, unfortunately, the seniors saw through our scheme and

aren't playing. We'll crank up the P.R. and somehow tie the discount

program more tightly into their Medicare coverage. That should take

care of 'em.

 

PACKING THE COURTS

 

We're going to continue crashing our battering ram through the doors

of Congress until they OK the federal judges we want. Sure, the

Democrat party kept our most extremist nominees from getting approved

in earlier votes, but we'll just keep coming back at them until they

holler uncle. And, if we have to, we'll eliminate the filibuster as a

weapon and ram those nominations down their throats. We're thinking

long-range here: Got to place enough of our ideological friends into

the appeals courts all over the country, so they'll be in those

lifetime jobs for decades and decades, even if somehow the Dems were

to get back in charge. Eat your heart out, Teddy!

 

And we're solidifying our hold on power by getting Alberto Gonzales

into Ashcroft's job. Sure, the liberals are crying foul; they can't

attack ME on the torture/dictatorship issues, so they're taking out

their anger on poor Alberto, who was only following orders in writing

those memos permitting us to torture the terrorist bad guys, and

providing me legal cover to rule however I wish as " commander in

chief " in " wartime. "