Dreams

[Guest guest]

I woke up in a cold wet tangle of bed clothes this morning, soaked in

sweat (my hypothalamas is malfunctioning because of my illness, my

body has no thermostat.)

 

I was so grateful to be awake and back in the real world because in

my dream I thought I had lost my daughter.

In my dream we had been staying in a hotel somewhere down south, we

were leaving to come home and I was struggling to get everything

packed, every time I turned around I found more things I had

forgotten and I was having trouble fitting them in. I was frustrated

because of my illness, and feeling so tired I could barely lift my

arms, let alone my suitcase, it took me so long the new people were

already in the room unpacking, but they only expressed their

annoyance, they didnt try to help.

eventually I struggled out to the car park, but of course I couldnt

find the car. I didnt know where my daughter was, she had gone on

ahead in exasperation with me for being so slow, I thought she would

be in a nearby coffee bar.

After looking everywhere and not finding my daughter or my car,

dragging the suitcase and finding it very hard to walk (in real life

I can only manage 100yds and can't carry things;) I was exhausted by

my already superhuman efforts and ready to give up, but eventually

there was the car and I got inside.

I found my mobile phone and called my daughter to find her but there

was no answer at first. I kept calling again and again, and

eventually a strange woman answered. She said she didnt know my

daughter, she was a waitress in a bar and that someone had left the

phone there. When I asked her for the address of the bar, she was

cagey and argued with me, in the end I had to insist she gave me the

address because I needed to go there to get my daughters mobile

phone.

When I got there the waitress was still talking to me on the phone,

but my daughter was there too, sitting at a table with some of her

friends. After some confusion and embarrassment, she retrieved her

phone, and told me she had an interview for a job to go to in

Nottingham (a long way up north), so I might as well go home without

her. I offered to drive her there, but she said she already had a

train ticket, so I offered to take her big suitcase home for her but

she refused. I tried to give her a hug but she backed away.

Thats when I woke up in a tangle of bedclothes, and looked at the

time, there was still time to phone to doctors and get her an

appointment today if she wanted me to, so I dragged myself up out of

bed (its often hard for me to move especially in the mornings), and

went to her room.

She refused to allow me to make her a doctors appointment. She has a

very bad cough, probably a chest infection, that has been going on

for at least four weeks now, the constant hacking and the red eyes

are distressing, but she refuses to see a doctor and she keeps

insisting on going into work because she doesnt want to let them down

at this time of the year. (she is in full time education taking a-

levels, but has 2 jobs now as well to earn herself some spending

money, because we are poor due to my illness we have to live on state

benefits, her father contributes very little to her support)

The crux of the situation for me, is also that my beloved daughter,

who is now 18, is planning on moving to Australia next year to

further her drama education, she is talented and plans to be a

working actress. Of course it is only a coincidence that she fell in

love with an Aussie backpacker this summer and she is planning on

going to go to the same town as he lives in.

She is selling off all of her possessions, this week she sold her

beloved drum kit. I could have wept, but we smile bravely and try to

support our kids in their endeavours, eh?

I am divorced from her father who married my ex-best friend a couple

of years back. Since the divorce my ex-husband will not speak to me,

not even on the phone or by note, so I am all alone as a parent. I

have written to him asking what his feelings are about this situation

with our daughter but no response, I dont think I dare try to phone

him.

 

I just wish I had someone to talk to about all this, I have only one

living relative in this country apart from my daughter, and my

friends have really big problems of their own, let alone that they

have heard it all before and have no answers to offer.

 

I feel so frustrated with my illness because it holds me back, most

days recently I am confined to the sofa and have to drag myself to

the kitchen even to make food, I am unable to stand for more than a

few minutes.

Because of the neurological problems associated with my illness I

have trouble taking in conversations and my memory is very poor so,

although my daughter loves me, she often gets frustrated when she

tries to talk to me.

So do my friends, although they are less rude about it, but I know

they can not understand my illness; and I suspect they may mistakenly

think I might have some kind of a psychological disorder.

This is even more frustrating, as if it was something so relatively

simple as that, it would be such a relief, I would have got treatment

and got well years ago!

Because as it stands my specialist says it is definitely all

entirely physical, but he can offer no treatment except medication

for the joint and muscle pain and sleep medication;(severe sleep

disorder being down to the malfunctioning Hypothalamus again) he

says the ongoing neurological damage is excarbated by my own actions

because I keep trying to be normal, in other words because I fight to

get out of bed each day and attempt to keep the house straight.

If only it really was all in my mind as some poeple seem to think,

then I could get treatment, I would have done it years ago, and I

would be well by now, instead of being stuck in this deteriorating

body.

 

Actually, my foggy brain has just remembered that nightmares and

vivid dreams are another of my neurological symptoms according to my

doctor.

So I guess that anxiety dreams are par for the course. silly me, I

had better buck up eh?

 

Sorry for prattling on, just needed to vent, bad morning, thats all.

 

Loads of Love

and I pray for more*light*

 

Yvonne