Bradley's Story

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http://www.benzo.org.uk/

 

Bradley's Story

 

I had an anxiety disorder !!!

 

I was a police officer for 12 years but had to leave the job due to

panic attacks. The police doctor said that I had an " anxiety disorder "

and put me on Xanax. That was the worst mistake of my life!

 

I stayed on Xanax for the next 12 years while going to therapy to find

out why I had this " anxiety disorder " . During these 12 years I tried,

by myself, to taper down and go off of the Xanax without any success.

Each time that I decreased the dosage I felt like I was going to lose

my mind. I would run to my doctor and tell him all my symptoms and he

would say that I had this " anxiety disorder " and that I " needed " the

Xanax. He would instruct me to increase the dosage and, sure enough,

my symptoms would disappear. What he never told me was that I was

experiencing a severe withdrawal reaction and not some " anxiety

disorder " . I never abused this drug or exceeded the dosage but I did

take it faithfully for 12 years.

 

My family noticed a gradual change in my personality. They noticed

that I didn't laugh anymore or show much emotion about anything. They

said I would just sit there like I was frozen. I felt I was a

vegetable! I continued to see therapists, thinking that one of them

could cure me of this " anxiety disorder " , but I was only getting

worse. I was barely leaving the house, and when I did, someone had to

be with me. I was so afraid and still suffered from panic attacks,

depression and paranoia.

 

Thank God that I met a Christian doctor, and after 2 years of therapy

and getting nowhere with me, he said that I would never improve until

I got off of the Xanax. I could not go on living like this anymore and

somehow made it into a rehab. They took me off " cold turkey " and put

me on phenobarbital so that I would not have a seizure. I then became

allergic to the phenobarbital so they put me on Klonopin and sent me

home. After I stopped the Klonopin ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! My wife

called the rehab doctors for help but they said that I would have to

come to their office. I could barely walk, talk or sleep, much less

travel. So with the help of my wife I dug myself in at home and stayed

there for the next two years, waiting for these symptoms to leave. I

felt that all my doctors had abandoned me and I was totally on my own.

All I had or knew about withdrawal was what I read from a book by

Shirley Trickett called " Coming off Tranquilizers " .

 

At first I thought that I was losing my mind and wanted to be

committed but I was too paranoid to leave the house. I kept my wife

prisoner in her own home pleading with her to stay with me and she did

for the next 2 years. My nerves screamed out at me from every part of

my body. All I wanted to do was die but was too afraid to kill myself.

I cursed God, neighbors and family members. I was in so much pain that

I didn't care who heard me and screamed out loud. I busted up

furniture and threw chairs. I made holes in the walls and floors. It

wasn't fun for me or my family to watch. I cried for months. The tears

just wouldn't stop. While being sedated for 12 years I had never dealt

with anything and now everything that I had buried was coming to the

top. I weighed only 149 lbs and my family thought I wouldn't make it.

They pleaded for me to see a doctor but I refused, believing that more

drugs were not the answer if I was ever to recover. After 2 years I

was able to leave the house and I learned to drive all over again.

Little by little I started to get my life back.

 

This month I will have four years of being TOTALLY DRUG FREE! Most of

my troublesome symptoms have left. Mentally, I feel great. I exercise

daily and eat a very healthy diet. Physically, I still have nerve pain

and get fatigued once in a while, but I have confidence that this to

will go away in time. I am working again and have gone back to school

to take computer classes. Oh, by the way, I don't suffer from any more

panic attacks or depression. Looking back at my rehab I feel these

doctors didn't know what they were doing by taking me off " cold

turkey " . They also suggested that I take anti-depressants and BuSpar

which I refused. I felt that the only way that I was going to make it

was to NOT swallow any more pills but let my body heal on its own.

Thanks for letting me share my story.

 

Bradley

April, 2001

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