José Izquierdo's Story

[Guest guest]

http://www.benzo.org.uk/

 

José Izquierdo's Story

 

José Izquierdo

 

" Poisoned and brain damaged by

drug companies and doctors "

 

My name is José Izquierdo and I am 24 years old from Toronto, Canada.

I have suffered tremendously over this past year and more. What has

become of my life is just devastating to my family, friends, and

myself. I have been off benzodiazepines for almost 15 months now and

my condition and state have barely improved.

 

Here is my story. My doctor prescribed me the benzos after I suffered

severe anxiety after coming off some recreational drugs. I had been

using them on and off for four years and decided to stop as it was

draining me mentally, emotionally and physically. All I wanted was a

chemical free life. He placed me on Ativan in January of 2000. A few

weeks later I began to feel better. The depression and anxiety from

the drug withdrawals had lifted and it was time to get on with life

again without these recreational drugs.

 

My doctor told me to continue with the Ativan and he also added Paxil.

A few months later I noticed that something was not right again. I

didn't feel like I was " living " but merely existing. I could not enjoy

the things I used to. I lost interest in a lot of my friends,

socializing, school activities, going to clubs, meeting women. These

were the things I once loved. What was happening to me? I felt

emotionally numb, I was living in a fog. Soon the anxiety and

depression began to return and I began to have panic attacks and

various fears had set in. I started to do some research on the meds I

was taking and concluded these meds were causing these feelings and

changes in my personality. I had to get off; they were blocking my

ability to feel emotions properly and were causing me more pain.

 

I came off the Paxil in about 2 weeks and suffered a horrible

reaction. Flu like symptoms, electric shocks throughout my body, rage,

severe mood swings, depression, anxiety, and fatigue. This lasted

about a month and I was so grateful when it ended. Now it was time to

get off the benzos. I figured if I could get through the Paxil hell

then the benzos would be a piece of cake. Wrong.

 

I cut my Ativan dose in half. The next day I felt horrible. My skin

began to burn, I felt disconnected from myself, my mind began to race,

I became severely restless and irritable, my muscles ached, nausea set

in, I felt like I had a terrible flu.

 

Over the next month these symptoms continued and as I reduced the

Ativan even more I just kept on getting sicker and sicker. It was

getting impossible. I was barely functioning at all. The insomnia was

so bad I was actually up for three days at one point and my

agoraphobia was terrible. I was scared to see my own friends. I

eventually saw a Psychiatrist and he placed me on a Valium

substitution. I felt some relief immediately as soon as I took the

Valium. I was to taper off the Valium now. The next few weeks I felt

somewhat more human again. I was able to go back to work and started

to function much better. The Valium taper seemed to go a lot smoother

than the Ativan. This gave me so much hope. I thought to myself that

this must be the way out, and in a couple months, I would be normal

again. I was very optimistic and even planned my upcoming school year,

as well as a vacation with my friends to celebrate my recovery.

 

I tapered down to 6mg from 15mg in about a month and a half and then

it hit me... It hit me harder than ever before. I woke up one morning

severely anxious, paranoid, and I was shaking violently. I truly

believed I was going to have a seizure. I literally felt like I had

been run over by a truck. I had enough. I wanted off now. I checked

myself into detox. The doctor had convinced me that if I went off the

6mg cold turkey, it would be a few weeks of hell and then it would all

be over. He told me the reason I was suffering so much was because I

was tapering so slowly. This was only prolonging my agony according to

this so called addiction specialist. He placed me on a Phenobarbital

substitution for five days and took me off the Valium. That day I went

on a trip that I have not yet returned from. I truly believed that as

I was feeling so bad there was no possible way I could feel even

worse. Nothing can or could have prepared me for what was to follow. I

spent the first five days in detox and then I was on my own.

 

The first few months following the detox were almost indescribable. I

was incapacitated when I left the detox center. I couldn't talk, could

barely walk, and was in so much physical and mental discomfort I

thought I was going to die. I didn't think it was humanly possible to

endure so much pain. These are some of the symptoms I have endured

during the intervening months and up to today:

 

Severe anxiety, throat would close up, feelings of suffocating,

nausea, vomiting, severe depression, dysphoria, violent thoughts and

images (one day I had actually thought that I had killed somebody and

was begging my family to take me to emergency), nightmares, insomnia,

tremors, severe joint and muscle pain, fevers, headaches, heart

palpitations, burning skin, hallucinations (saw people in my room who

were not there), objects and faces distorting, objects constantly

appear to be breathing or moving, mass confusion, unable to follow or

hold conversations, blurred and double vision, derealization,

depersonalization, suicidal thoughts and urges, agoraphobia, memory

loss, loss of cognitive skills (simple tasks like washing dishes

seemed almost impossible), severe fatigue, paresthesia, tunnel vision,

severe paranoia, unable to walk properly, feelings of bugs crawling on

my skin, violent muscle and nerve pain, feeling like my mind is being

squished, thoughts screaming at me, violent tremors, severe

restlessness, feelings of rage and anger and the list continues.

 

Today is almost 15 months off all benzodiazepines. Some of the

symptoms have left and new ones have appeared. I am still an

emotional, mental and physical wreck. The derealization and

depersonalization are so severe I still cannot even recognize myself

when I look in the mirror. I cannot even remember the person I was or

what normality feels like. I am constantly in a thick fog. When I walk

into a room I don't know where I am. Voices turn to distant echoes, I

have no awareness of my surroundings. I am a prisoner in my home. I

have no energy to do anything. I have cried for months begging for

this nightmare to end. I am constantly terrified of everything and

anything. I have not left my house in over a year except to go the

doctors and acupuncturist. I am constantly in so much mental and

physical pain and discomfort. I have spent many months contemplating

suicide, terrified, in tears, lying in my bed moaning in pain begging

the Lord for mercy. I have lost my cognitive ability to function like

a normal human being. I feel as if I have been stripped of my soul. I

feel like a puzzle that needs to be put together. I have been mentally

and emotionally raped. It has been a living hell.

 

I cannot work and had to drop out of school because of this. My life

has been shattered. I have been poisoned and brain damaged by the drug

companies and my doctors. Who am I supposed to trust now? I have seen

and spoken to over 30 doctors and professionals and no one has any

answers. I spend most of my days seeking support from my family,

friends and others who have endured this terrible ordeal. I am

frightened and exhausted by all this trauma.

 

I know I have a long way to go for a complete recovery, that's if I

ever do fully recover. I would not wish this even on my worst enemy.

It truly feels like it would take an absolute miracle to return to a

balanced human state again. I am very disappointed with the medical

community. No doctors seem to be interested in my suffering and offer

little guidance, yet it is those same doctors who continually

prescribe these drugs and are advised to do so by the drug companies.

Something has to be done. I am however determined to live again. My

life patiently waits for me on the other side. Each day, every hour

has been a struggle for me as my family and friends wait for my return.

 

Sincerely,

José Izquierdo

November 14, 2001

 

Email José