Val's (Tanya's) Story

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http://www.benzo.org.uk/

 

Val's (Tanya's) Story

 

BENZO FREE

 

A PLACE FAR WORSE THAN HELL

Will it ever end or is this my life?

 

My story is a little different because I have been benzo free for

thirteen years and I am still living a life of hell. I have been where

most of you are. I know how courageous all of you when you feel you

can't face another hour of it, let alone a day. One minute you're all

right and the next its as though a shroud of fear engulfs you. You

feel that this is the end - you just want to die or feel that you have

an incurable disease and nobody wants to know about it - least of all

the doctors of this world! The symptoms are beyond human

comprehension. If you tell anybody about them they don't believe you

because they can't see anything wrong and think that you must be crazy.

 

My horror started in 1985. I went to the doctors; my symptoms were a

pain in the chest due to stress. Stress caused by running a pub. I now

know it was anxiety but I didn't know that then because I had never

suffered from it before. I was a very laid back person with four sons.

I was prescribed one of mother's little helpers (Valium) - only a low

dose to be taken three times a day and like most of you I trusted my

doctor. Not that I ever went to the doctors; I didn't need to - my

health was fine. But after about three months I started to get strange

sensations like water running down my legs and burning patches in my

body. All I was told was to take more Valium which I did for a while

but I didn't like taking them because I felt worse taking them.

 

While still taking these drugs I never increased the dose. This

started the vicious circle of back and forth to the doctors. I thought

I was dying but every time I went to the doctors I was treated like a

hypochondriac. I was getting very little sleep so I was given Ativan

to make me sleep.

 

I took this drug for about five months but I didn't know at the time

that 1mg Ativan is equivalent to 10mg of Valium. By this time I was

out of my mind and it seemed as though my whole body was going to give

up. I prayed to die just to be out of the pain. As any sufferer will

know the pain is indescribable. At this point I was told I had

depression so I was prescribed a variety of different antidepressants

but the withdrawal from Valium and Ativan still came through all of

it. Then to top it all I was put on temazepam.

 

I had tablets for everything: my stomach and my bowels, indigestion,

rashes, and sore eyes. Even with these different drugs it was a living

nightmare. I used to think: " It can't last much longer and by next

year it will be gone. " Old symptoms would go and new ones would

replace them and the fear would set in. I would get used to one kind

of pain, then a new one would appear. It became more horrific because

this was all new. By this time I couldn't even sit in a chair. My

muscles were so tight I was less uncomfortable on the floor. I still

have this problem today.

 

I tried to take myself off these drugs three times but I didn't make

it. I was a complete mess; I thought I was going mad. After calling

the doctor he said I was having a nervous breakdown. There was no

consideration given to the fact that I had come off these drugs and it

could be withdrawal. So he put me back on Valium and increased the

dose to 2mg every two hours. I couldn't speak properly; everything

that came out of my mouth was jumbled up, and my brain was certainly

scrambled.

 

I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital where the barbaric treatment

known as ECT was performed on me. They filled me up with more drugs

and after six weeks I returned home feeling much better though they

told me the ECT didn't do anything for me. But the drugs did! Life

wasn't too bad for a few months then, without any reason, I got a

horrendous pain in my stomach.

 

I was taken to the hospital but of course they couldn't find any thing

wrong with me. I was sent home but I had to be returned a few hours

later as the pain had got worse. Then I had an exploratory operation;

my stomach was cut open but still they couldn't find anything wrong.

So they removed my gallbladder, just in case that was the problem, but

of course it wasn't as I was still in so much pain. Once again I was

in withdrawal and I now had the aftermath of the operation.

 

It was about this time I found out how addictive these drugs are and

that they were the cause of all my problems. At first I found this

very hard to accept as I'm sure all of you do. I would go through the

medical book looking for answers searching through all the incurable

illnesses that I must be suffering from! I was in contact with the

drug advisory committee and they offered to send me to a clinic to

take me off the drugs. I agreed to it as it really was " now or never " .

I was taken off all my drugs in 10 days. I now know this process

should be carried out over many months. I was due to stay there for

three months but left after three weeks.

 

I have lived a life of torment for so many years. I am sure there are

many more of you suffering in the same predicament but whom can we

turn to? Doctors don't want to know; they are apart of the cause as

they just hand drugs out like sweets. Whenever I went to see my doctor

he humoured me and hurried me out of the surgery with the words:

" There is nothing I can do. One day it will all go away. " But will it?

 

After one year off the drugs I was put on a beta-blocker to cope with

the anxiety. I took this for five years and then slowly came off.

Coming off this drug heightened the withdrawal from the

tranquillisers. I just felt I had gone back to the beginning again.

 

There are many people who are not aware of what they are suffering

from because they have never been told what the symptoms are. Even

while taking the tablets they reach their tolerance level and the body

wants more drugs to keep on an even keel.

 

So starts the vicious circle and there are very few support groups

about. The doctors and drug companies have caused this problem and

they have sentenced thousands of us to a life of misery. So who are

the real drug pushers? I'm not saying that all doctors are the same

because I'm sure some aren't but they all seem to close ranks and

stick together. We are treated like second-class citizens; we have

been sentenced to lead a life of torment. Doctors are not gods; they

are just human beings like the rest of us. Who has the right to

destroy the lives of so many and just sweep it under the carpet? No

help and no compassion. If they haven't got the knowledge they should

not be prescribing these drugs. All they do is look it up in the drug

book and hand them out.

 

My life has been a constant battle with doctors - always hoping but

never believing I will ever see the end. Even now I am still

struggling - praying that I will live again. I try so hard to be

positive but sometimes this is not possible. It is a long lonely road

to travel with many unknown horrors to face on your own, and who would

believe it any way?

 

I have written many letters over the years to the media, newspapers,

television doctors and the government and I have had a few articles

published but the response was usually very negative. I had an article

printed about me twelve years ago when I first stopped the drugs. I

wrote to the newspapers once again a few months ago but I had no

reply. I think if you mention prescribed drugs it's not an interesting

news story.

 

The only real help you will get is from an ex-users like yourselves.

These are the most understanding people I have met so this web site is

the most helpful thing that has happened for years.

 

But let's not forget the forgotten sufferers - our families who also

have to live through this with us. I know some people lose their

families and friends because they can't cope with our suffering but

it's just as hard for them. I have been married to my husband for 18

years and he has put up with this problem for 17 years. From the start

of our marriage he only has had the real me for one year. I could

never repay him for sticking by me. He has been my rock and so too has

my family who has had to put up with my moaning and groaning. There

are also a few good friends and one I would like to mention especially

is Jean Jenkyns who has been there to support me when I was at my

lowest ebb. She is also a victim of prescribed drugs and still suffers

from the withdrawal.

 

A poem for you all

 

Pain

 

There's nowhere to hide when the pain comes

Nowhere in the world safe to be

No-where I can go for protection.

As this dark cloak engulfs me.

 

It's inside and outside all over

It's everywhere on my body it seems

It devours my strength and my mind

It twists and turns and stabs till I scream.

My bones feel like they are broken.

My muscles ache like red raw.

Even the roots of my hair hurt.

From outside to inside I am sore.

 

There's nowhere to turn when the pain comes.

It runs so much faster than me.

 

But all around me just stop and stare.

For inside the hell they can't see.

 

To spend one minute in my shoes.

To tell those horrors I feel.

Perhaps only then would they understand.

That the pain is so terribly real.

 

With nowhere to go when the pain comes.

Then surely they would all see.

The struggle I have and the effort I make.

To live my life simply as me.

 

Finally I would like to say a big thank you to Dr Reg Peart who is

president of VOT (Victims of Tranquillisers) for all the endless years

of fighting for our rights.

 

Thinking of you.

 

Lots of hugs,

Val (Tanya)

Email me on roberteley

July 2, 2002