Comment: Can you say Jabberwocky?

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Tue, 28 Sep 2004 09:48

Subject:Fw: Can you say Jabberwocky?

 

 

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American Politics Journal

Sept. 28, 2004

 

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*THIS JUST IN...*

*Kerry Saves Busload of Blind Orphans...*

*Bush's Lead Widens**!!!*

*... can you say " Jabberwocky " ?*

* by Steve Young*

 

Sept. 28, 2004 -- HOLLYWOOD (apj.us) -- In what seems like another in

a string of bad luck moves by the hapless Democratic candidate during

a standard mundane stump speech in Tuscaloosa, John Kerry shocked the

napping crowd by jumping into raging Mississippi River flood waters to

pull fifty-five blind orphans and all but one of their seeing-eye dogs

out of their sinking buses.

 

In poll taken by Harris, Gallup and /USA Today/ thirty-five seconds

after the rescue, 62% of likely voters found that Kerry's heroism was

" too showy. "

 

Republicans were quick to jump on the incident.

 

" First he doesn't save a busload of blind orphans, then he does, "

drolled Vice President Dick Cheney. " This guy can't make up his mind. "

 

" A hero? " asked House Majority leader Tom DeLay. " Ask the kid whose

dog he chose to leave behind. "

 

A FOX News Opinion Dynamics Poll revealed the 89% of their viewers

believe that there was a direct link between blind orphans drowning

and Kerry.

 

" Kerry's an opportunist, " claimed a former blind orphan not on the bus.

" He's probably planning to become a Supreme Court justice after he

serves as president, and knew saving those kids would become a plus

during confirmation. "

 

The ill-fated Kerry offered his supporters little encouragement: " I'm

just gonna f$#@ing shoot myself. "

 

" Shooting himself just reaffirms my beliefs that what I never actually

saw in Viet Nam was in fact the truth, " said /Unfit for Command/

co-author John O'Neill.

 

A poll taken by Pew Research was found inadmissible as most voters

likely to answer their survey couldn't stop laughing when told who the

pollsters worked for.

 

In other news, 19,000 US troops were killed by a roadside mine just

outside Baghdad, clinching the presidential election for Bush.

 

Okay, I made up that whole story.

 

I'm a satirist. It's what I do.

 

But Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney are

not -- and for that, Kerry cannot win for losing.

 

Kerry volunteers for Viet Nam and one of the most dangerous wartime

missions... as a Swift Boat captain. He's attacked for being an

opportunist; a man who put his life in jeopardy in an treacherous war

so that he could run for president thirty-five years later.

 

He gets wounded three times while serving our country and is

castigated for not being wounded badly enough.

 

The National Guard gives Bush an honorable discharge and talk radio

says that alone should prove his honorable service.

 

The Navy says that Kerry's medals were legitimate and talk radio

brings on the " Swift Boat Veterans for Truth " gang to say that it

sounds fishy.

 

Kerry saves a fellow soldier in the middle of enemy fire and is ripped

because he only saved him after he came back for that soldier. I still

can't figure out what part of that one was bad... but that doesn't

matter. It stuck.

 

John Kerry voted for an $87 billion bill, then, when the bill's

provisions are modified (in other words, made into a different bill),

he stands up for his beliefs and votes against it. And he's a

flip-flopper.

 

John Kerry has become the poster boy for being the target of the most

insidious mangling of logic since pineapple landed on a pizza. If you

tried any of Republican/talk radio twisted-logic attacks in a high

school debate, you'd be thrown off the team. In politics, you might be

elected president.

 

Kerry volunteers for Viet Nam, he's an opportunist.

 

Bush slides past a few thousand less advantaged boys into the National

Guard, cutting out early to work in the foxholes of a political

campaign, and he's served honorably.

 

And it's spread to the liberal media.

 

Dan Rather uses defective information on a story that's basically true

-- and the Lords of Loud demands his resignation.

 

George Bush uses defective information hurling us into a war where

thousands are killed and tens of thousands are injured, then doesn't

fire one person -- and he's called unwavering! Loyal! A " War President! "

 

Over sixty percent of FOX News viewers think Saddam Hussein had

something to do with the attacks of September 11th, 2001 -- yet Bill

O'Reilly says that FOX News is the only place to get the real story.

 

Kerry wants to focus tax cuts to the middle class and the

Karl-Rove-fed band of Limbaugh wannabes call it class warfare.

 

Bush gives a huge preponderance of tax money back to the top one

percent and the federal deficit gets a tumor the size of Texas -- and

Hannity diatribes Bush's brilliant handling of the economy.

 

It's all about the Lords of Loud technique of forgetting to tell us --

pardon moi, Mr. Paul Harvey -- the rest of the story.

 

Bush and Hannity say job growth has been the best in over twenty

years, but forget to mention that we lost so many jobs during Bush's

term that any growth at all would spike the percentages inordinately

(i.e. 100 jobs increased by 10 = 10% / 10 jobs increased by 10 = 100%).

 

Hannity tells us household statistics are more indicative of job

growth than Bureau of Labor payroll statistics because it shows the

" entrepreneurial spirit " of self-employment and small business

startups, but forgets that the great percentage of those jobs lose

money and over 85% of them go out of business in the first year -- and

also forgets that those " jobs " can be anything from licking envelopes

to using wet sponges to seal envelopes, and when they go under those

left unemployed will not be qualified for unemployment and therefore

NOT COUNTED as unemployed! Therefore, they too will be forgotten.

 

The Iraqi Health Ministry reports that twice as many Iraqis, most of

them civilians, are dying as a result of operations by US that are

being killed in attacks by insurgents and Kerry says we screwed up

postwar Iraq. He's called non-supportive of our soldiers.

 

Bush and the Lords of Loud say things are getting better in Iraq. If

things get any better the whole place will probably get nuked!

 

Kerry calls Saddam " a brutal dictator who deserves his own special

place in hell, " and adds, " the satisfaction we take in his downfall

does not hide this fact: we have traded a dictator for a chaos that

has left America less secure. "

 

Bush twists that comment into a speech but spins it as Kerry " would

prefer the dictatorship of Saddam Hussein to the situation in Iraq today. "

 

No matter what the truth really is, what talk radio says to its

listeners becomes a new and better truth... for Bush. Can you say

Jabberwocky? Bet you a thousand coffins that we're not allowed to see

that Bush can't.

 

The point is, no matter what Kerry says, those who have control of the

microphone will turn it into a unsubstantiated, blasphemous,

anti-American piece of indecision.

 

If the American voter doesn't start paying attention to how they're

being played for suckers, they'll be reelecting a president based on

half the truth. And, of course, that's no truth at all.

 

Is anyone listening?! I'm afraid so.

 

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Steve Young, political editor of /National Lampoon/ and the creative

force behind /National Lampoon/'s MoveOnPlease.org

http://www.moveonplease.org , is also the author of " *Great Failures

of the Extremely Successful http://www.greatfailure.com " and

Winchell Mink...The Misadventure Begins

http://www.winchellmink.com (Harper Collins), and writes about

politics for AlbionMonitor.net http://www.albionmonitor.net and

AmericanPolitics.com http://www.americanpolitics.com

 

 

" If you aren't completely appalled

Then you haven't been paying attention "