Guest guest Posted August 29, 2004 Report Share Posted August 29, 2004 > The Golden Age > > An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone > to report that her car has been broken into. She is > hysterical as she explains her situation to the > dispatcher: " They've stolen the stereo, the steering > wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator! " > she cried. The dispatcher said, " Stay calm. An > officer is on the way. " A few minutes later, the > officer radios in. " Disregard. " He says. " She got in > the back-seat by mistake. " > _____ > > FAMILY > > Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house > together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. > She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the > other sisters, " Was I getting in or out of the > bath? " The 94 year old yells back, " I don't know. > I'll come up and see. " She starts up the stairs and > pauses " Was I going up the stairs or down? " The 92 > year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea > listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and > says, " I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock > on wood. " > > She then yells, " I'll come up and help both of you > as soon as I see who's at the door. " > _____ > > " I CAN HEAR JUST FINE! " > > Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were > playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the > other, " Windy, isn't it? " " No, " the second man > replied, " it's Thursday. " And the third man chimed > in, " So am I. Let's have a beer. " > _____ > > SUPERSEX > > > An little old lady was running up and down the > halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would > flip up the hem of her nightgown and say " Supersex. " > She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. > Flipping her gown at him, she said, " Supersex. " He > sat silently for a moment or two and finally > answered, > > " I'll take the soup. " > _____ > > ROMANCE > > An older couple were lying in bed one night. The > husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a > romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: " You > used to hold my hand when we were courting. " Wearily > he reached across, held her hand for a second and > tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she > said: " Then you used to kiss me. " Mildly irritated, > he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and > settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she > said: " Then you used to bite my neck. " Angrily, he > threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. > " Where are you going? " she asked. " To get my teeth! " > > _____ > > DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER > > 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the > retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the > air and announces, " Anyone who can guess what's in > my hand can have sex with me tonight!! " An elderly > gentleman in the rear shouts out, " An elephant? " > Bessie thinks a minute and says, " Close enough. " > _____ > > OLD FRIENDS > > Two elderly ladies had been friends for many > decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds > of activities and adventures. Lately, their > activities had been limited to meeting a few times a > week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards > when one looked at the other and said, " Now don't > get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a > long time ...but I just can't think of your name! > I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. > Please tell me what your name is. " Her friend glared > at her. For at least three minutes she just stared > and glared at her. Finally she said, " How soon do > you need to know? " > _____ > > SENIOR DRIVING > > As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, > his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's > voice urgently warning him, " Herman, I just heard on > the news that there's a car going the> wrong way on > Interstate 77. Please be careful! " " Hell, " said > Herman, " It's not just one car. It's hundreds of > them! " > ____ > > DRIVING > > Two elderly women were out driving in a large car > - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they > were cruising along, they came to an intersection. > The stoplight was red, but they just went on > through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to > herself " I must be losing it. I could have sworn we > just went through a red light. " After a few more > minutes, they came to another intersection and the > light was red again. Again, they went right through. > The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that > the light had been red but was really concerned that > she was losing it. She was getting nervous . At the > next intersection, sure enough, the light was red > and they went on through. So, she turned to the > other woman and said, " Mildred, did you know that we > just ran through three red lights in a row? You > could have killed us both! " Mildred turned to her > and said, " Crap, am I driving? " > > TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.