Fwd: The Golden Age

[Guest guest]

> The Golden Age

>

 

> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone

> to report that her car has been broken into. She is

> hysterical as she explains her situation to the

> dispatcher: " They've stolen the stereo, the steering

> wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator! "

> she cried. The dispatcher said, " Stay calm. An

> officer is on the way. " A few minutes later, the

> officer radios in. " Disregard. " He says. " She got in

> the back-seat by mistake. "

> _____

>

> FAMILY

>

> Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house

> together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath.

> She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the

> other sisters, " Was I getting in or out of the

> bath? " The 94 year old yells back, " I don't know.

> I'll come up and see. " She starts up the stairs and

> pauses " Was I going up the stairs or down? " The 92

> year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea

> listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and

> says, " I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock

> on wood. "

>

> She then yells, " I'll come up and help both of you

> as soon as I see who's at the door. "

> _____

>

> " I CAN HEAR JUST FINE! "

>

> Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were

> playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the

> other, " Windy, isn't it? " " No, " the second man

> replied, " it's Thursday. " And the third man chimed

> in, " So am I. Let's have a beer. "

> _____

>

> SUPERSEX

>

>

> An little old lady was running up and down the

> halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would

> flip up the hem of her nightgown and say " Supersex. "

> She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.

> Flipping her gown at him, she said, " Supersex. " He

> sat silently for a moment or two and finally

> answered,

>

> " I'll take the soup. "

> _____

>

> ROMANCE

>

> An older couple were lying in bed one night. The

> husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a

> romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: " You

> used to hold my hand when we were courting. " Wearily

> he reached across, held her hand for a second and

> tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she

> said: " Then you used to kiss me. " Mildly irritated,

> he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and

> settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she

> said: " Then you used to bite my neck. " Angrily, he

> threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

> " Where are you going? " she asked. " To get my teeth! "

>

> _____

>

> DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

>

> 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the

> retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the

> air and announces, " Anyone who can guess what's in

> my hand can have sex with me tonight!! " An elderly

> gentleman in the rear shouts out, " An elephant? "

> Bessie thinks a minute and says, " Close enough. "

> _____

>

> OLD FRIENDS

>

> Two elderly ladies had been friends for many

> decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds

> of activities and adventures. Lately, their

> activities had been limited to meeting a few times a

> week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards

> when one looked at the other and said, " Now don't

> get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a

> long time ...but I just can't think of your name!

> I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.

> Please tell me what your name is. " Her friend glared

> at her. For at least three minutes she just stared

> and glared at her. Finally she said, " How soon do

> you need to know? "

> _____

>

> SENIOR DRIVING

>

> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,

> his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's

> voice urgently warning him, " Herman, I just heard on

> the news that there's a car going the> wrong way on

> Interstate 77. Please be careful! " " Hell, " said

> Herman, " It's not just one car. It's hundreds of

> them! "

> ____

>

> DRIVING

>

> Two elderly women were out driving in a large car

> - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they

> were cruising along, they came to an intersection.

> The stoplight was red, but they just went on

> through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to

> herself " I must be losing it. I could have sworn we

> just went through a red light. " After a few more

> minutes, they came to another intersection and the

> light was red again. Again, they went right through.

> The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that

> the light had been red but was really concerned that

> she was losing it. She was getting nervous . At the

> next intersection, sure enough, the light was red

> and they went on through. So, she turned to the

> other woman and said, " Mildred, did you know that we

> just ran through three red lights in a row? You

> could have killed us both! " Mildred turned to her

> and said, " Crap, am I driving? "

>

> TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!