Satire: Let's turn a corner, any corner

[Guest guest]

http://www.salon.com/tech/col/mcgreevy/2004/08/27/bush_speech//index.html

 

Satire

- - - - - - - - - - - -

 

" Let's turn a corner, any corner "

An exclusive look at George W. Bush's nomination

speech.

 

- - - - - - - - - - - -

By Joyce McGreevy

 

 

Aug. 27, 2004 | I'm George Bush, and I'm reporting

for -- I'm making a report. When you make a report it

is a reported entity. I ascended this country as a

young man, and I will suspend it as president.

(Applause.)

 

I want to thank everybody who's here. And I want to

thank 'em right quick for everybody who's not here.

Some people don't think like us. They wear T-shirts

with bad words on them. That is my name on those

T-shirts. I just want to reach out to those people and

say, You know, we all have a obligation to vote. But

that doesn't mean you have to.

 

People got lives, people got families. There's schools

out there with tests to take, folks with meals to eat

of some sort or other. People busy doing decent things

with their neighbors as they would like to be done

decent to themselves. People who don't want to waste

their god-fearing time explaining to an FBI agent who

enters their home late at night whether they

accidentally committed voter fraud. Which a lot of

people probably commit and do not know it until they

are in jail. And when that happens to your elderly

grandmother it is sad. It threatens the security of

this country.

 

For those of you here who are moderates, I want to

thank you for encouraging your fellow citizens to go

to the polls. (Applause.) Please stand over there with

Tweeter so he and his boys can get a good look at you.

That's right, just walk over with those fine men so

they can ask you a few questions and what all.

 

Let me get on with the thanking. We ought to do more

thanking, less thinking. No one ever says " think you. "

That's got to tell you something. I want to thank

veterans for setting such a good example for the folks

who wear the uniform today. I would not have known

what to wear on that aircraft carrier if it hadn't a

been for you.

 

I also want to thank a boatload of veterans with whom

I have no association. Bible says the race is not

always to the swift. We'll see about that. Bunch of

you pointed out that if John Kerry doesn't want his

record of admirable service in Vietnam to be attacked,

he shouldn't have had a record in the first place. He

kind of set himself up for that one by serving

admirably and then testifying to the Senate about the

lessons of Vietnam. You didn't see me doing that.

 

Then John Kerry gets himself another record by serving

admirably in the Senate and there you go again. If you

got a record of admirable service, folks is naturally

going to attack it. Look what happened to John McCain,

and he's a friend of mine. And Max Cleland, and he is

not. But they had a record. So you shouldn't have any.

I sure don't. Or maybe you had records, but someone

kept inadvertently expunging them, so what is the

point? Records threaten the security of this country.

 

I'm not even running on a record of my first term as

president. Why should I? Would you? We should just

keep it positive. So let's turn a corner, any corner,

and spread the good word that America is now so much

safer that terrorists could attack us at any minute,

and you might be one of them.

 

If you are a decent folk, don't let the gay spouses

get you down. One day they will thank us for

protecting them from the marriage penalty, just like

the poor people thank us already for protecting them

from a death tax in case they ever win the Powerball.

 

I also remind you that just like the wars of the past,

we have got to keep fighting wars of the present and

the future. Then go back to the past and start again.

We're fighting deadly enemies. Not all of them will

fall for the Applebee's coupons or want to see a show

on Broadway. Which is what protesters do. They enjoy

the arts. They cause terrible harm to lawns. But we

will protect and defend that piece of environment.

 

That's why we're depending on your support. I just

came out of a fancy chopper that some brave soldier is

going to be flying soon in Iraq. And I told him, and I

can tell his loved ones, he'll be missed, but his

sacrifice will be worth it to me. And that's all any

sacrificer can hope for. (Applause.)

 

Another thing that's interesting that's happening, is

we're doing stuff with the ballistic missile

interceptor. It's in a silo called Alaska, where they

grow the oil that is right now being threatened by

wildlife pollution. Wild lives is not natural. It is a

bunch of lives running roughshod. We know how

dangerous that is to the precious freedoms of our oil.

Anything with a hoof on it or six legs maybe or a

pretzel, it's just threatening the security of our

country.

 

But a missile defense system could feed the whole

country, make kids into betterful readers, and find a

job for everybody who wants a job. (Applause.) That's

kind of its potential. And another thing about a

ballistic missile, you can fire it at stuff to shoot

it down. (Applause.)

 

I think those who oppose this ballistic missile system

really don't understand the real threats to the

security of this country even as Dick and I are

standing here. Those oppositioners are living in the

past with a lot of French people. We're living in the

future where there are only ticket holders that have

signed the loyalty oath. That's freedom. The freedom

to have some elbow room as you write a check as big as

you please. Try it now. Big Fish will collect them,

won't you Big Fish? (Applause.)

 

Next I want to thank the workers of America who helped

us overcome the Clinton recession that had 22 million

jobs threatening the security of this country. That's

what you call a glut on the market, when you have a

whole lot of jobs clogging up the economic system.

Gluts and clogs, that's not what you want in your

system, is it Dick? We flushed the economic system. We

stripped it, oiled it, made it leaner and meaner. Now

we've got farmers and ranchers somewhere out there --

I saw one once -- and a mighty herd of other people

who are free to roam this great land of ours fending

for themselves. That's what Americans do. We fend.

(Applause.)

 

And when you're fending, you don't want to be held

back reading about how my opponent will close

corporate tax loopholes. What if you're a loophole?

Who's going to look out for you? Not some loophole

closer.

 

My opponent wants to take my tax cuts for the rich

and turn the money into tax credits for regular folks

without increasing the deficit. Now hold on. This is

America. You can't just take somebody's tax cut. You

have to inherit your own tax cut. That's the American

dream. (Applause.) And you can't have a deficit if you

aren't willing to add to it. That's just simple

accountability. That's stepping up to the treasury

plate and taking ownership. Do you all own something?

Well, you should try it.

 

Some of you think we don't hear your cries. Not true.

We hear them just fine. (Applause.) We know if you

have a child in your family that is a special

challenge. Childs have needs, we know that. Good luck

with that. (Applause.)

 

We helped a small business once. Remember that one in

Ohio? I hear it has gone all the way to China now.

That's called progress. (Applause.)

 

 

I understand there's still people looking for work

here in America. So long as anybody wants to work and

can't find a job, I know we've got more work to do in

Washington, D.C. So that's me and a couple of number

crunchers covered, and that should free up every man,

woman and children to go out and look for work, too.

Let me know how you make out. The rich hires

accountants and lawyers, by the way. I'm just saying.

Look, it shouldn't be that hard for millions of you to

find one little job.

 

I'll be making sure taxes are low. And if your income

is low or you don't have an income, don't worry, you

can have high taxes instead. That's balance, and it

comes with checks. You balance a check to the rich

empowering the middle to give them good economic

growth and maybe the rich will have someone on their

staff create a job for you. (Applause.)

 

Be responsible for something. A responsibility society

is one in which every CEO in corporate America

understands he, she, or us is responsible for sharing

the good news at shareholders and the bad news on top

of employees.

 

You know, there's been a lot of talk about Medicare.

Sick people don't want talk. It's bothering when

you're trying to recover. They want protection from

cheap foreign drugs that threaten the security of this

country. They want to put their unpaid overtime into a

health savings account. They want medical liability

reform. Because people too poor to see a doctor get

caught up in survival schemes, start thinking maybe

they can sue a doctor some day for what's called

malpractice of the possibility. It's a medical fact.

Imagine if 44 million people suddenly got their hands

on health care and felt staminafied enough to file a

lawsuit?

 

Whereas when you're sick and you don't have a job you

just stay in bed watching Court TV. And that's

protected under the Constitution. But if you're all

raring to go and lawyered up, who would be left to

provide personal legal counsel for me and Dick? Who

would help the rich prevent injury by taxation? Who's

going to keep the legal system free and clear for

celebrities and folks who might maybe have killed a

spouse or two?

 

I want to thank our news posse for getting out those

important legal briefs to the public, while respecting

our privacy in Abu Grub. Go Rib. Gray -- the point is

celebrities threaten the security of our country, and

we need to monitor that.

 

And thank you for treating me and my opponent equal.

Like when you treat a hard-hitting ad that gives facts

the same as one with a pack of lies. Sure do 'preciate

it, Wheezer. You too, Fluffy. (Applause.) Wheezer and

Fluffy, everybody. (Applause.)

 

Or like when I went to Portland, Oregon, and we herded

2,300 pre-selected folks into a high school gym and my

opponent just let 50,000 people wander out in the open

-- " common ground " the liberals call it -- the

reportificators kept things fair and balanced by

saying we both " attracted crowds. " A crowd is wherever

two or more voters is gathered in my name, only I was

careful to have fewer threats to the security of our

country. I am the best candidate on security matters,

but only if security protects me from the American

people. (Applause.)

 

We've done a lot of hard work, but there's more to do

to protect this country from the threats of the 21st

century. The 21st century is probably the biggest

threat there is, unless we stop it. That's why you've

got to get Michigan and Pennsylvania and Ohio on a

footing with Afghanistan and Iraq. Because a

pre-emptive conservative democracy can be a great

leveler. And we want everybody to feel that leveling.

Then all you have left is the winds of peace blowing

through and nobody's going to get ornery. Orneriness

is the number one threat to the security of this

country.

 

We want to replace being ornery with compassion. You

can have compassion even if you are in prison, or out

of work, or just some little kid out on the street

heading for school because your mom is an evildoer who

wants a job and your dad is a known voter, which in

Florida is a felony. We need to bring that family

together. And then you can take compassion and shove

it into some sort of volunteer activity and pretty

soon everybody is a volunteer, even in the workplace.

 

That's why when I travel this great country of mine

telling you about its many threats, I want you to

round up everybody who needs compassion. Because

launching the compassion agenda comes right after

finding weapons of mass destruction. Which a poll says

we did, kinda. Poll says weapons of mass destruction

now exist in the belief systems of our favorite

voters. They're in our hearts, our minds.

 

Plus I will find out what happened to $8.8 billion in

Iraqi funds that we gave to folks over there,

including some to Halliburton, that nobody can rightly

account for. Dick, have you seen it? No? Good enough.

Now let's get out there and kick some major

compassion. God bless America. And God bless the fear

of threats to the security of this country -- without

that, we're nothing.

 

- - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Editor's note: Be George Bush's speechwriter! Write

your version of the president's speech accepting the

Republican nomination and win a year of Salon Premium

and your choice of either of Salon's acclaimed

community sites, The WELL or Salon Table Talk. Details

here.

 

 

salon.com