Effectively Managing a Child's Behavior

[Guest guest]

http://www.doctoryourself.com/kidraise.html

 

Effectively Managing a Child's Behavior

 

CHILD BEHAVIOR MANAGEMENT

If there were a genuine shortcut to raising children,

kids would be ready to go off on their own by age two.

If this concept appeals to you, I recommend that you

change species, for a two year old cat, doc or cow is

fully adult.

 

Whales, elephants, and, er, humans seem to take a

rather long time to mature. Given that your offspring

are not REALLY the animals they sometimes appear to

be, and that they are therefore going to be hanging

about for some time, here are some techniques that may

prove useful in the everyday trenches of childrearing.

We will start with the emergency procedure first.

 

Technique The First: NIACIN

This is not in any of the how-to-raise-kids books that

I’ve ever seen, but it’s extremely important. Give

niacin (vitamin B-3) to fussy children, and fussy

teenagers. How much? Just enough to barely “flush”

them. The full technique is described in detail

elsewhere on this website (

http://www.doctoryourself.com/hoffer_niacin.html and

http://doctoryourself.com/niacin.html ), but the crux

of it is that the inevitable “hot flash” experience

indicates saturation of niacin. When a child is at

niacin saturation, they are biochemically mellowed out

inside. Niacin is the preeminent natural, safe,

cheap, all-purpose

anti-depressant/anti-anxiety/anti-psychotic vitamin.

( http://doctoryourself.com/hoffer_ABC.html )

 

If you still think that the only way to handle kids in

difficult situations (or difficult kids in normal

situations) is to either whack them or grin and bear

it, you are missing out on a wonderful opportunity.

Try some niacin, starting with, say, 25 milligrams per

dose, with doses every 10 minutes until the child

cools off… or rather, gets warm. If the child does not

want to take it, these steps may help: Take some

niacin yourself (about 50-100 mg), right in front of

the child. Not only does this set a good example, it

is also fair, and will calm YOU down as well. That

will make the entire situation that less volatile.

 

Technique The Second: ONE, TWO, THREE COUNT

Time honored but somehow still largely unknown, master

teachers and expert parents have been using this

system for decades. My mom (a history teacher during

WWII) used this on my brothers and me back in the

1950’s. She also tried other, less effective methods,

as we all have. Too bad, for this technique alone,

consistently performed, is entirely adequate and

utterly nonviolent.

 

It works like this:

 

Tell your child that you are going to give them three

strikes before they are “out” and sent to their room

for 15 minutes. The first time your child says or does

anything you do not want her to, say “one.” The very

next time it happens, say “two.” The third time, say

“three” (or “take 15”, or “time out”, or whatever

suits you). At this, the child is to go directly to,

and stay in, their room for the duration of the

penalty. It’s just like in a hockey game, but “count”

them long before any teeth are missing. 10 minutes for

a little kid, 15 minutes for a pre-teen, and 20

minutes for a teenager is a good rule of thumb.

 

Initially, you may have to take the child to his room,

and endure howls of misery and injustice emanating

therefrom. Just shut the door, set a kitchen timer,

and leave. If the child comes out, take him back in

and restart the timer. If you feel that you are

having a really tough time with your child, I most

earnestly recommend an immediate reading of 1,2,3

Magic, by Thomas Phelan, Ph.D.

http://www.thomasphelan.com

Better yet, watch his video tape of the same title.

It is extremely well done, and I guarantee you will

see your child in the many examples shown.

(Incidentally, I have no financial connection

whatsoever with this or any other author, publisher or

distributor.)

 

Technique The Third: PARENT, KNOW THYSELF

My shorthand kid-management system is basically this:

 

Decide what you want.

Make it clear to all concerned.

See that you get it.

Put a time on it.

Put a consequence on it.

 

“Deciding what you want” is more important than it

sounds. For years, I have told students that if you

do not understand the question, you cannot possibly

get the right answer. If adults do not know what

really matters to them personally, they have little

hope of achieving fulfillment. Sample starters: If

money were no object, what would you do with your

life? What always makes you happy? Who do you most

admire, and why? If you had three wishes, what would

they be? What do you think about before going to

sleep? What’s first on your mind when you awake? What

did your parents never have that you want your

children to have? I’ll bet you can quickly add to this

list.

 

“Making it clear to all concerned” stops an age-old

communication problem dead in its tracks. Do not wait

to be asked; express a need in simple, unambiguous

terms. Then be prepared to listen for the other

person’s needs, too. Tactical hint: for best results,

reverse these steps. Listen first, and restate what

the other person has said to show them they have been

understood. THEN state your needs to a now much more

receptive set of ears.

 

It is probably best to limit your need-expressing to

two or three at a time. Pick the ones you cannot live

without right up front.

 

See that you get it. Be honest: are you on the path

towards your deepest, most honest goals? Are you in a

relationship that enlivens your life? Is there a

better job for you? For parents, asking yourself,

“What single action can you take today to enrich my

life?” can also be surprisingly productive, especially

after you see that one met goal per day is 30 met

goals in only a month.

 

And specifically as regards raising children: Be

consistent. The Last Emperor’s tutor told him that,

“If you do not say what you mean, you will never mean

what you say.” Do you mean what you say? When I was a

student teacher, my excellent mentor, Hugh Ratigan,

Ed.D, early taught me that follow-through is the big

one. If you say it, you have to do it. To avoid this

dilemma: shut up. I cannot tell you how many times I

found Mark Twain’s advice to be right on the money,

especially: “It is better to remain silent and be

thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”

If you make a rule, you have to enforce it. My

personal solution to this has been to keep the rules

to very few. Only the important stuff deserves your

enforcement. Having had 37 teenagers in a chemistry

laboratory, I am here to tell you that safety and

cooperation rules are essential. My masters-degree

wielding adult children will probably concur.

 

Putting a time on it always helps you focus on the

present and “be here now.” That timer technique,

mentioned above, is part of it for the kids. Time

limits on telephone and television are reasonable

appropriate. I feel that making sure that children

are home at a specific time is very important. We had

a clipboard by the front door for signing out and in.

This is not tyrannical, for it only takes a minute for

a kid to put their initials, their destination, and a

friend’s name or phone number down on a notepad. My

son, even as a teenager, said that he would definitely

do this with his own kids. That may be the highest

form of praise. I’m glad we agreed on something!

 

Put a consequence on it. I think this goes without

saying… much. Consequences that work all share one

common feature: they are non-violent. Spanking and

hitting simply do not work. Time-outs work. Fines on

allowances work. Suspending TV privileges works.

Other negative consequences may be created by the

children themselves. This, by the way, is one of the

oldest and sneakiest teacher tricks in the book: Let

the kids make the consequences. You will be surprised

how strict they can be with themselves. Have them

write the code down themselves. Copy it and post it

all over the house.

 

Do not forget positive consequences. One of my

favorite aphorisms is “Really surprise someone today:

catch them doing something right.” Kids of all ages

love praise. I learned this from Mr. Fred Rogers, and

even used it when I taught at two state

penitentiaries. It worked, of course. He wrote me a

wonderful personal letter, part of which I reprint

below:

 

“What a pleasure to hear how much our Neighborhood

messages continue to mean to you in your work with the

students in prison. It was very touching to know how

much your students appreciate (it) when you let them

know they are valuable and important. The need for

messages like that is at the core of all of us, no

matter how old we are or what our life circumstances

are. It was interesting to see the variations of (the

many ways to say) “very good.” A number of years ago,

one of my friends taught child development classes in

the State Penitentiary here in Pittsburgh. We often

talked about his students, and I visited there, too. I

can understand how much your care must mean to the

people whose lives you touch.”

 

Aside from making my day, Mr. Rogers’ letter

reinforced how true it is that people of all ages

respond to praise. Everybody wants to be liked. Kids

will work hard for a teacher’s approval, the smiles as

much as grades. Adults will work hard for a spouse’s

approval. It is a bit hard to fathom it at times, but

your own children work harder if your can give them

approval, too.

 

I suggest the following: Promptly reward good behavior

in a tangible way. Gifts, favorite activities,

spending money, a meal out, parent-made “coupons” for

special privileges, and other sure child- and

teen-pleasers are worth using from time to time.

Thank-you’s and hugs are for all the time!

 

DAILY PRIORITIES IN LIFE

When I was a boy, my father and mother told me that I

could not go far wrong if I followed these guidelines:

 

Your health FIRST

Your family SECOND

Your job (or, for kids, your schoolwork) THIRD

 

I figured out myself that everything else is FOURTH.

(As a now-experienced parent, I am now persuaded to

add this to this list: " TV last! " )

 

HEALTH includes getting plenty of sleep, eating proper

meals, exercise, taking appropriate amounts of vitamin

food supplements, and, an organized system of

relaxation and self-improvement, such as meditation or

prayer. These are life's first duties. You are

obligated to take care of your soul and body in order

to do anything else, so health is number one.

 

FAMILY is second place. It is only second because if

you are not healthy and well rested, you cannot be at

your best as a spouse or as a parent.

 

" Family " may be divided into two parts, I think.

Priority " 2-A " would be your spouse, and children

would follow a close but definite second as " 2-B. " It

is important for all, especially kids, to understand

that Mom and Dad loved each other first, and children

came along next. Children exist because of a couple's

initial love for each other. The couple must therefore

have the higher priority. A happy couple will be an

automatic benefit to the children. A couple began as

" the two of us, " and so will it be again when the kids

leave home. The marriage relationship needs to come

first. There are enough divorces to show that too

often it doesn't.

 

JOB or schoolwork takes third place. This can be of

profound help to harried breadwinners and anxious

students. Most of us have been, or will be, both. As

a kid, it helped me to know that staying up very late

to do homework was not the answer. It was also not

permitted by my parents. If we were exhausted, the

homework did not get done. If we put it off until the

last minute, we had a problem. I'd like to say that

my brothers and I therefore never put off homework,

but that isn't true. What we did learn was that it

was wise to begin our homework early.

 

In college, I'd head for the library right after my

last class and do as much studying before supper as

possible. Right after supper, it was back to the

library. This may sound like a scholarly, blah

existence. Consider this, though: by about eight

o'clock or so, I was walking OUT of the library when

most everyone else was walking IN. I was done, with

the evening free before me. They hadn't even begun.

 

The day my daughter was born there was a big event at

work lasting from noon until almost midnight. It was

important financially and had been long planned in

advance. At 9 AM I was at the hospital with my 1-hour

old baby girl and I checked the priority list. I

picked family over job, did not go to work that day,

and lost money. I've frequently looked back on that

decision with no regrets. Every single time I see my

daughter, I know I had my priorities straight. It was

only one day, but it means a lot to me now. The

company that I then worked for has since gone out of

business.

 

My son was conveniently born on the Thanksgiving

holiday.

 

REFERENCES AND RECOMMENDED READING:

Canter, Lee (1985) Assertive Discipline for Parents,

revised edition. Harper and Row. ISBN 0-06-859836-X

 

Cott, A., Agel, J. and Boe, E. (1985) Dr. Cott's Help

for Your Learning Disabled Child: The Orthomolecular

Treatment. Times Books, New York.

 

Ginott, Haim G. (1976) Between Parent and Child

Morrow/Avon Books paperback, 256 pp. ISBN: 0380008211.

 

Hoffer, Abram (1999) Dr. Hoffer's ABC of Natural

Nutrition for Children. Quarry Press, Kingston,

Ontario Paperback, 280 pp. ISBN 1-55082-185-7

 

Phelan, Thomas W. (1996) 1-2-3 Magic: Effective

Discipline for Children 2-12. Child Management,

Incorporated Paperback, 180 pp. ISBN: 0963386190.

(The video version by the same name is also highly

recommended.)

 

Reed, B. (1983) Food, Teens and Behavior. Natural

Press, Manitowoc, WI. (This book is probably only

available through an interlibrary loan. Please advise

me if you find copies for sale anywhere.)

 

Rogers, Fred (1993) Personal communication. Mister

Rogers’ Neighborhood / Family Communications, Inc.

4802 Fifth Ave. Pittsburgh, PA 15213

http://familycommunications.org

 

 

Reprinted from the book FIRE YOUR DOCTOR, copyright

2001 and prior years by Andrew Saul, Number 8 Van

Buren Street, Holley, New York 14470 USA Telephone

(716) 638-5357