Relationship Health

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How to Have Healthy Relationships

 

Relationship Health

 

RELATIONSHIPS WITHOUT SUFFERING

Copyright C 2001 John I. Mosher, Ph.D

Professor Emeritus, State University of New York

 

SUFFERING AND ATTACHMENT

Suffering arises from attachment to desire. One

example is the desire that things have to be the way

one thinks they ought to be.

 

Suffering arises when one is not living in the

present: not being right here, right now.

 

When the mind-ego is in charge it can wander in its

thinking to the past and become angry or upset about

some event long gone. Or the thinking mind can worry

about what might be or might happen. In either case

there is suffering because one is not living in the

present, the NOW, this minute.

 

Qualities of the Heart, the Spirit or Soul.

Compassion

Selflessness

Tolerance

Equanimity

Fearlessness

Non-attachment

Love without condition

 

All of these qualities of the Soul are facilitated and

brought forth by the practice of:

1. Regular Meditation

2. Regular Prayer

3. Remembering the Divine

4. Self-discipline, i.e. practice being in the

present, practice having compassion, being selfless,

tolerant and having equanimity. Practice

fearlessness, non-attachment, and love without

condition. Cultivating these positive states of mind

may be considered one of the most effective ways for

obtaining the state of HAPPINESS!

 

RELATIONSHIPS

A relationship between two people can be a spiritual

path, a yoga.

 

It can be a way to grow in love, light and happiness.

It is a difficult path. Some sages say the “Yoga of

Relationships” is the toughest of all because it deals

with the most powerful emotions on the planet. The

opportunity continuously presents itself to fall into

negative states of mind which would be anything less

than love. Ones fear of not getting what one wants or

losing what one has is ever present in those not

practicing the cultivation of HAPPY STATES OF MIND.

 

The more the mind--ego is in charge the more one is

controlling, has fear and suffers. Through regular

practice of the above (1,2,3, and 4), the soul is

gradually put in charge and the “soul qualities’ shine

forth. In this state the individual has put the mind

and ego in its proper place as SERVANT to the soul.

The ego as a servant is wonderful. It reminds you to

take care of your physical self and stay out of harm’s

way, except in extreme mental unbalances where a

person wants to destroy their physical body. THE EGO

IS A WONDERFUL SERVANT BUT A TERRIBLE MASTER! The

mind is a powerful and wonderful servant. It can

plan, balance check books, send a man to the moon, and

more. But put in charge, it can easily destroy ones

happiness, and cause much anguish and suffering. The

person regularly cultivating positive states of mind,

using self-discipline to regularly do the above four

steps, uses the ego–mind as a tool. Use the mind to

plan a vacation; great. Then hang it up as you would a

drill or any tool after use. When again needed use

it, but always remember to put it away when finished!

 

What has been suggested in the above writing is very

foreign to our cultural and educational conditioning

here in America, and in western civilization

generally. We can easily see the results of the mind

and ego being in charge. We have enormous

environmental and social problems as a result of this

orientation. This mind-based orientation is

threatening to destroy the very environment we depend

upon for our physical existence.

 

A relationship can also be destroyed by the mind-ego

being in charge.

 

A relationship can change when the soul, the spirit,

the heart is in charge. It will not be destroyed by

change.

 

Control of others comes from fear, which is a mind-ego

quality. Trying to control others is a waste of time.

All one gets from efforts to control another is the

anger and resentment of the other. That, and also the

stressing of oneself over the situation one is

attempting to control. Nothing positive is

accomplished.

 

Control in a relationship is a sign of FEAR. FEAR IS

THE GREAT ENEMY TO HAPPINESS.

 

In a relationship, it is important to work on ones

self. When anger and frustration or anything less

than love arises in ones feeling toward the other,

that is a signal. It is a signal to look within. At

this point it takes courage to face ones self and be

totally honest about what perception or attitude must

be change to be in line with the practice of

unconditional love.

 

Play-acting will not do. Denial will not do. One can

only work on ones self. Ultimately, we must focus on

our self and not our partner or another.

 

If both partners in a relationship are practicing

1,2,3,and 4, and working on cultivating positive

states of mind and being in the present, THEY ARE

DOING THEIR SPIRITUAL WORK!

 

(August 9, 2001)

Reprinted with permission of the author.