Things you have to believe to vote Republican today

[Guest guest]

Things you have to believe to vote Republican today:

 

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy

when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when

Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush

needed a " we can't find Bin Laden " diversion and of course they had an awful lot

of oil.

 

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is

communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital

to a spirit of international harmony.

 

The United States should get out of the United

Nations, and our highest national priority is

enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.

 

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own

body, but multinational corporations can make

decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

 

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals, liberals, democrats,

people who read, and Hillary Clinton.

 

The best way to improve military morale is to praise

the troops in speeches while slashing veterans'

benefits, combat pay and denying that battlefield diseases exist.

 

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't

have sex.

 

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our

longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and

money.

 

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy.

Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Providing tax dollars to drug companies is good business.

 

Oil and energy companies, the extremely wealthy, HMOs, pharmaceutical companies,

chemical manufacturers, and insurance companies have the best interests of the

public at heart.

 

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk

science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

 

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an

impeachable offense.

 

A president lying to enlist support for a war in which

thousands die is solid defense policy.

 

Government should limit itself to the powers named in

the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages, spying on which books you

read at the library, and censoring the Internet.

 

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle

trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of

our business.

 

Being a drug addict is a moral failing, a crime and they should all go to

prison, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an

illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.

 

You support states' rights, which means Attorney

General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter

initiatives they have the right to adopt.

 

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital

national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is

irrelevant.

 

Feel free to add to this list and pass this on.