The Diddly Awards

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The Diddly Awards

Honoring the jaw-dropping achievements of the 108th Congress

 

Jack Hitt

July/August 2004 Issue

 

With billions in Iraq construction contracts pending last year, Sen.

Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) borrowed World War II-era language for an

amendment that would criminalize war profiteering. But the Republican

leadership not only removed it; they also raised the limit on no-bid

contracts from $7.5 million to $200 million, inaugurating a new era of

raiding the U.S. Treasury, all of it legal.

 

Meanwhile, on the home front, pork spending has enjoyed such an

unimaginable renaissance that even Pork Prince Robert Byrd (D-W.Va.)

is offended. Republican Sen. Charles Grassley, for one, convinced the

government to underwrite the $225 million creation of an African

rainforest in Iowa to help children appreciate the " wonders of the

jungle. " Rep. Billy Tauzin (R-La.) procured a subsidy to help build a

Hooters restaurant.

 

Let it be said here that this, the 108th Congress, will go down in

history alongside the fetid Congresses of the 1880s, which laid back

for the robber barons, and the " Laissez les bon temps rouler " Congress

of 1929-30, whose anti-regulatory stubbornness walked us, eyes wide

shut, into the Great Depression. Congressional rascality on such a

scale requires a comparable arrogance of power. It's not a coincidence

that in this current Congress, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist

convened 35 heart transplant patients he operated on so they could

wash him with praise, before self-publishing a book titled Good People

Beget Good People: A Genealogy of the Frist Family.

 

Yet even as they have scoffed at the rules the rest of us plebs must

live by and spent like drunken sailors, the most profligate Congress

in nearly a century still found myriad opportunities to, once again,

do diddly.

 

The envelopes, please….

 

The Trent Lott Award for Racial Sensitivity

 

••• Rep. Cass Ballenger (R-N.C.) admitted having " segregationist

feelings " about former Rep. Cynthia McKinney (D-Ga.), who is black.

Ballenger also insisted that the appearance of a congressional aide in

his yard to paint a three-and-a-half-foot, cast-iron black lawn jockey

white was just " restoration " —this, after years of defending the icon

as a " family heirloom. " He dismissed accusations of racism, saying, " I

think everybody can look at my life and what I've done and say that's

not true. I mean, she was such a bitch. "

 

••• Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N.Y.) was warming up a crowd in

Missouri, talking about Mahatma Gandhi, when she suddenly blurted,

" You know, he ran a gas station down in St. Louis for two years. Do

you still go down to the gas station? There's a lot of wisdom coming

out of that gas station. "

 

••• Rep. Corrine Brown (D-Fla.) denounced a pair of Hispanic men who

support Bush's Haiti policy—Roger Noriega at the State Department and

Rep. Lincoln Diaz-Balart (R-Fla.)—as " white men " who " all look the

same. " Not to kiss up to the Hispanic vote too nakedly, Republicans

immediately issued a press release that began: " Los comentarios de la

congresista Brown son realmente deplorables. "

 

••• Sen. Christopher Dodd (D-Conn.) took to the Senate floor on the

occasion of Democratic Sen. Robert Byrd's 17,000th vote to say that

" my friend from West Virginia…would have been a great senator at any

moment. " How quickly he forgot Trent Lott's fate for saying that " we

wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years " had the

country elected Strom Thurmond president in 1948, when he ran as an

unrepentant segregationist. Dodd insisted that Byrd—who a few years

ago went on TV to denounce the existence of " white niggers " and who

once achieved the rank of " kleagle " in the Ku Klux Klan— " would have

been right during the great conflict of Civil War in this nation. "

 

••• Rep. Barbara Cubin (R-Wyo.) op- posed a gun control measure,

observing, " One amendment today said we couldn't sell them to anybody

under drug treatment. So does that mean if you go into a black

community, you cannot sell a gun to any black person? "

 

and the winner is...

 

Barbara Cubin, who answered Rep. Melvin Watt's (D-N.C.) demand for a

retraction with an offer " to apologize to my colleague for his

sensitivities. " When the matter of striking her comment from the

record came up, Cubin won 227-195, as every Republican voted to

support her.

 

 

The Good Riddance Award for Ex-Congresspersons

 

••• Newt Gingrich accused the State Department of a " deliberate and

systematic effort to undermine " President Bush and therefore being a

" broken instrument of diplomacy. "

 

••• John LeBoutillier has co-founded the " Counter Clinton Library, "

located in Little Rock near the official version, which the former

congressman says is funded by the " Red Chinese " and should be called

the Clinton " LIE-brary. " LeBoutillier's CCL will feature 16 rooms,

including the Travelgate Room and the Anti-Propaganda Pavilion. It

will also showcase an Exit Room that will, relying on accusations of

trashed offices and broken computers, " re-create parts of the White

House exactly as the Clintons left them. "

 

••• James Traficant, currently in prison for bribery and racketeering,

announced his candidacy for president. Spokesman Marcus Belk

explained, " The battle to free James Traficant and to evict the

socialists and 'free traders' from theDemocratic Party is now under

way. Someone buy the Washington establishment a bottle of Maalox. "

 

and the winner is...

 

Newt Gingrich, whose bizarre accusation of treason leveled against an

entire Cabinet department permitted Deputy Secretary of State Richard

Armitage to let fly, " It is clear that Mr. Gingrich is off his meds

and out of therapy. "

 

 

The Pat Robertson Memorial You-Talking-To-Me,-God? Award

 

••• Rep. Tom DeLay (R-Texas), during the turmoil of the Medicare bill,

ordered his communications director, Stuart Roy, to rush in for a

press briefing. On the drive over, a pitchfork described by Roll Call

as " traveling 100 miles per hour " broke through the windshield of his

SUV and " came within inches of decapitating him. " According to

unbelieving heathens, the pitchfork had come loose from a truck

traveling in the other direction. Roy's wife explained, " If you die by

way of the pitchfork, it's probably not a good sign as to which way

you're headed. "

 

••• Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D-Mich.) was out partying when her new

Capitol Hill house burst into flames.

 

••• Sen. Bill Frist (R-Tenn.) arrived at the Wayfarer Inn in Bedford,

New Hampshire, to attack the Democratic presidential candidates, when

the ceiling of the lobby caved in and crashed to the floor.

 

••• Sen. John Sununu (R-N.H.) was with Frist and attempted to give his

own speech when the overhead sprinkler system suddenly switched on.

 

and the winner is...

 

Bill Frist, who, following the ceiling collapse and the sprinkler

fiasco, bravely got up to make his speech—when the lights went out.

 

The Roi Louis Grand Prix

 

p>••• Rep. Tom DeLay (R-Texas) stonewalled a Democratic measure to

adjust the child tax credit for 6.5 million working poor, denying

families making less than $26,625 a $400 break, while giving a $93,500

tax cut to those making $1 million.

 

••• Tom DeLay ordered the Homeland Security Department to help Texas

Rangers chase down Democratic state legislators in order to win a

redistricting vote. Even though everyone knew the Democrats had fled

to Oklahoma, officers swarmed the homes of the Democrats' families and

in one case barged in on a neonatal intensive care unit where a

legislator's wife was caring for her newborn twins.

 

••• Tom DeLay held open the House Medicare vote throughout a dark

night for democracy last November. DeLay panicked when it appeared

that the budget-buster would go down 218-216. So he kept the vote open

an unprecedented three hours for floor managers to strong-arm

reluctant representatives until it passed.

 

and the winner is...

 

Tom DeLay, who browbeat a D.C. restaurant manager to let him smoke a

cigar at his table. When the manager stood his ground, explaining that

because it was a federal building, smoking violated the law of the

federal government, DeLay thundered back, " I am the federal government! "

 

The Congress-And-The-Jewish-Problem Award

 

••• Sen. Joseph Lieberman (D-Conn.) was happily a member of the

International Fellowship of Christians and Jews until he saw footage

of himself and fellow IFCJ-ers Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson in an

infomercial asking Christians to " rescue a Jew " by paying travel costs

from Russia to Israel. A humanitarian effort, it would seem, until

later in the pitch it's revealed that IFCJ wants to get all the Jews

into Israel in order to fulfill " biblical prophecy " and bring on

Armageddon—at which time all the Jews who haven't accepted Christ,

such as Joe Lieberman, will burn in hell for eternity.

 

••• Rep. James Moran (D-Va.) opined, " If it were not for the strong

support of the Jewish community for this war with Iraq, we would not

be doing this. " He added, " The leaders of the Jewish community are

influential enough that they could change the direction of where this

is going, and I think they should. "

 

••• Rep. Max Burns (R-Ga.) stood quietly at a fundraiser in Georgia

while a supporter, businessman Jackie Sommers, described Burns'

opponent as " that Jewboy down in Savannah. "

 

and the winner is...

 

James Moran, who has taken (and, under pressure, returned) money from

a source sympathetic to Hamas and said that he can't be an anti-Semite

because his daughter Mary Elise is engaged to a Jewish guy—all before

hosting a conference that included lessons in " The Art of Public

Speaking. "

 

The Heidi Fleiss Medal For Congressional Pandering

 

••• Rep. James Moran (D-Va.), chronically in debt ($700,000, according

to the Washington Post, spread out over " two dozen credit cards " ),

claimed he got a " cold call " from banking conglomerate MBNA to help

him out. MBNA consolidated his debt into one nice low-interest

payment—causing an expert at Standard & Poor's to remark, " This loan

was the worst. " Afterward, Moran was suddenly overtaken by a keen

interest in banking reform—which MBNA was spearheading in

Congress—leading to a bill that would punish ordinary people who got

in over their heads with credit card debt.

 

••• Rep. Roy Blunt (R-Mo.) became House majority whip in November

2002; hours later he secretly slipped into the 475-page bill creating

the Homeland Security Department a provision benefiting Philip Morris

USA. Blunt's language would have restricted low-cost cigarette sales

on the Internet and prosecuted contraband sales. The congressman

receives massive donations from Philip Morris; his son works for

Philip Morris; and he recently married the Washington lobbyist for

Philip Morris. After the outrage was discovered (so outrageous that

ethics purist Tom DeLay had the measure stripped), Blunt wailed that

cigarette sales are connected to homeland security because Hezbollah

has made money by selling discount smokes.

 

••• Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-Ga.) was on the speakerphone with Majority

Leader Bill Frist, unaware that Frist had a reporter in the room.

Chambliss explained that a " major Republican donor " wanted an

ambassadorship to some overseas organization. " I don't even know what

the hell it is, " Chambliss said as the reporter transcribed, " but he

wants it. " Unabashed, Frist asked, " He has a lot of dollar figures

down there? " " That's exactly right, " Chambliss said, " and he did raise

a chunk of money for me. " Frist concluded, " All right. You're a good man. "

 

and the winner is...

 

James Moran, whose energetic work on behalf of MBNA got the House bill

passed. On the floor of the chamber, he scolded, " The time-honored

principle of moral responsibility and personal obligation to pay one's

debts has been eroded by the convenience and ease with which one can

discharge his or her obligations. "

 

The Legislating-Is-Just-A-Start--What-I-Really-Want-To-Do-Is-Direct Award

 

 

••• Sen. Joseph Lieberman (D-Conn.) praised the testimony of

Backstreet Boy Kevin Richardson on the topic of coal-mining effluvia

leaching into river valleys. " He is knowledgeable, " Lieberman insisted

of the boy-band heartthrob. " I believe his voice will add to our

understanding of the issue. "

 

••• Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) had a fundraiser hosted by James

Brown that featured the senator, in full '70s polyester, promising " to

put the fun back in fundraising. "

 

••• Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) took counsel from Catherine

Zeta-Jones on the issue of nuclear proliferation.

 

••• Rep. Eric Cantor (R-Va.) gave a Capitol tour to the '80s

arena-rock band Styx, which drew looks, Cantor said, because there

" were definitely earrings and some dyed-blond hair. "

 

and the winner is...

 

Eric Cantor, whose press spokesman noted that the deputy whip has long

appreciated Styx because " ever since he popped in his cassette of Come

Sail Away and asked Mrs. Cantor to 'Be His Lady,' his life has been

'The Best of Times.' "

 

 

The Let-God-Sort-'M-Out Award For Creative Xenophobia

 

••• Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.) suggested that Congress restrict

the import of Evian water and require French wine to carry " bright

orange warning labels " noting that the contents used bovine blood as a

clarifier.

 

••• Reps. Bob Ney (R-Ohio) and Walter Jones (R-N.C.) successfully

ordered that " french fries " on menus in the House's restaurants be

rechristened " freedom fries. " A similar change occurred on Air Force

One, where the more regal diners could choose cream-cheese-stuffed

" freedom toast. "

 

••• Sen. Jim Bunning (R-Ky.) was telling jokes at a GOP event,

including one that said his opponent Daniel Mongiardo—whose Italian

heritage has given him dark hair and eyebrows—looked like one of

Saddam Hussein's sons. A Bunning flack offered a hedged apology:

" We're sorry if this joke, which got a lot of laughs, offended anyone. "

 

and the winners are...

 

Bob Ney and Walter Jones for their menu rewrites. Jones explained his

motive: " This isn't a political or publicity stunt. We feel sincere as

to what we've done. This isn't going to change the debate or course of

the world. It's a gesture just to say to the French, 'Up yours!' "

 

The Horse-Head-In-Your-Bed Award

 

••• Rep. James Moran (D-Va.), the hapless congressman, proposed

legislation to outlaw bear baiting on federal lands, provoking

notorious hothead Rep. Don Young (R-Alaska), who is " proud to say

that " environmentalists " are my enemy " and who once pulled out a

walrus penis at a hearing to punctuate his loathing of these people

who he claims " are not Americans. " Young threatened to call in his

goons to punish Moran. " I wish I had my native people in here right

now, " Young said. " You'd walk out of here with no head on. "

 

••• Rep. Nick Smith (R-Mich.) refuses to name names but has confirmed

that during the midnight vote-buying that finally got the Medicare

bill out of the House, he was promised " $100,000 plus " to help fund

his son Brad Smith's campaign. According to Smith, the Republican

extortionists said the money would come from " pharmaceutical business

groups. " According to columnist Robert Novak, when Smith voted no

anyway, Rep. Duke Cunningham (R-Calif.) served as GOP consigliere,

informing Smith that his son was " dead meat. "

 

••• Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska), according to unnamed sources in The

Hill newspaper, " unambiguously " pressured the General Accounting

Office's comptroller general into dropping a lawsuit against Dick

Cheney for the release of his energy task force's documents by

threatening to slash the investigative body's $440 million budget.

(Stevens denies intimidating anyone.)

 

and the winner is...

 

Ted Stevens, who during debate on a $373 billion domestic spending

bill wrote a letter threatening that senators who voted no risked

losing precious home state projects. One Senate aide confided to

reporters that Stevens' missive came with a nine-page attachment

listing 300 government-funded programs. " Attached you find a list of

projects that may be of particular interest to you, " Stevens wrote.

 

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© 2004 The Foundation for National Progress