Happy Birthday, America

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http://www.alternet.org/columnists/story/19120/

 

Happy Birthday, America

By Molly Ivins, AlterNet

 

Posted on July 1, 2004,

http://www.alternet.org/story/19120/

 

AUSTIN, Texas – Happy birthday, America! Ye Olde Fourth of July rolls around

again and finds the Great Nation in, frankly, a somewhat pissy mood. Lots of

blame game, name-slinging and general unpleasantness. But there's always an

upside. The vice president reports that if you go ahead and let fly with the

f-word, it makes you feel better. Anything to get that fun Dick Cheney back to

his usual sunny self, I always say.

 

True, we seem to have had more halcyon national natal days, but if we ignore

I––q for the weekend, we should be able to celebrate our national heritage

without punching each other in the eye.

 

So let's salute all that makes America special, starting with us, the people.

Here's to all the musicians from country to hip-hop to rock to classical to jazz

to folk to be-bop to norteno to polka to reggae, and to all the fusion forms

thereof. Here's to all the artists who get no respect – the washboard players

and lute strummers, harmonica blowers and banjo pickers. Here's to their endless

generosity in playing special benefits for retired musicians who are ill and

have no health insurance, all over America, every night. And here's to the great

Ray Charles, bless his heart. May we all hear his version of " America the

Beautiful " this holiday.

 

And here's to all the dancers who move to all that music, from the wildest Goth

Watusi to the competitive ballroom dancers and the tango enthusiasts and the

two-steppers and line-dancers and Celtic folk round dancers and square dancers

and those who never got the beyond the box-step. Here's to the African dancers

and tappers, and the experimental modern crowd.

 

Here's to everyone trying to lose 10 pounds and all their lo-carb, hi-protein,

all-fruit, cucumber-only, martini-drinkers' diets – may they all succeed. Here's

to all their exercise machines and speed walking and gym workouts. Don't give

up, we'll all be thin and gorgeous someday.

 

Here's to all the civic fandangles and to everyone who makes them happen – to

moms who contribute brownies and dads who judge the goat contests, and the guys

who set up the band seats. To all the Peanut Festivals, Turkey Trots, One-Armed

Dove Hunts, Crayfish and Petroleum Days, Fat Stock Show and Rodeos, Blueberry,

Strawberry and Artichoke Festivals, the Watermelon Thump, the Prairie Chicken

Fling, Black-Eyed Pea Festival, the county fair, the school fair, the state

fair, Puerto Rican Day, Gay Pride Day, St. Paddy's, Cinco de Mayo, Juneteenth

and thousands more. Not to mention the Fourth of July parades.

 

Here's to all the good deeds we never hear about, to people who stop to help

change flat tires, return wallets, take crying children to the lost and found

and stay until their mommies come, to those who help old ladies across the

street and especially to those who make waitresses laugh.

 

Here's to Tony Korioth, who used to stop to carry an old lady's garbage can up

to her garage for her, and to his son John, who told the story at Tony's

funeral. Here's to drivers who let others merge, the neighbors who baby-sit for

pets and children and aging parents, here's to the gardeners who donate their

excess zucchini and home-grown tomatoes to their neighbors, to people who bring

food when someone dies, to all those who pitch in, lend a hand and say, " Let me

help. "

 

And here's to keeping America weird. To Scott Peterson and Kobe Bryant for

making cable television so busy, happy and productive. Here's to the tabloids,

eternally discovering alien zombies from outer space (have they checked out the

Veep lately?). Here's to all our grumps and scolds, constantly insisting that

we're going to hell in a handbasket. Where would we be without an active core of

selfless citizens constantly prepared to tell us we're dumb, fat and lazy, and

it's all our fault? Concerning our national habit of polling ourselves to find

how just how dumb we are, a new study shows 88.2 percent of all Texans believe

Osama bin Laden has two first names, like Jerry Jeff or Billy Bob.

 

Here's to all our dreams and fantasies, to the frumpy women who dream of looking

like the models in Vogue and Bazaar, to the fat guys who read the extreme sports

magazines, to the dentists who ride Harleys to get in touch with their Inner

Biker, to the would-be gunslingers taking part in fast-draw contests, the

karaoke singers and amateur-night stand up comedians, to the sopranos who never

made it to the Met but still star in the Methodist choir, to the frustrated

explorers who take wilderness adventure vacations.

 

Our national scolds say we're something awful polarized these days, angry and

snarling, don't like our fellow Americans. The fundamentalist Christians can't

stand the so-called secularists, and vice versa. Oh, poop. Fellow citizens, we

are, by and large, a splendid lot.

 

Did you hear what the Buddhist said to the hot dog vendor? " Make me one with

everything. "

© 2004 Independent Media Institute. All rights reserved.

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