SUFFER THE LITTLE CHILDREN

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http://www.redflagsweekly.com/kendrick/2004_may21.html

 

 

SUFFER THE LITTLE CHILDREN

 

By RFD Columnist Dr. Malcolm Kendrick

 

(email - malcolm)

 

‘Blood pressure screening for children should start at age 3, according to the

latest government diagnosis and treatment guidelines that were presented at the

American Society of Hypertension’s Nineteenth Annual Scientific Meeting.’

 

To tell the truth, I was tempted to make that statement my entire column.

Perhaps arrange it artistically in the midst of white space. Or maybe I should

just stencil it out on a huge sheet of paper, frame it and send it in for an

international arts prize. I would entitle it ‘Proof of a world gone mad.’

 

Alternatively, I could do an Andy Warhol on it, and print it out many times, in

many different colours. Because, in reality, there is not much commentary that I

can add to such a statement.

 

When I read it I found myself clutching my chest and making small panting

noises, unable to articulate my feelings. Perhaps I should have taken my blood

pressure at that point, I am sure it would have been at the level where my brain

was in danger of popping like a ripe tomato hit by a large hammer.

 

I showed it to a friend, and found myself saying things like ‘I mean, what,

man…hey.. help.’ I had regressed to teenage years, unable to find the words to

express myself. ‘Whatever, dude, like okay.’ All of those years of education

sadly lost.

 

I suppose I was also wondering what you are supposed to do when a three-year-old

bursts out crying, or has one of those uncontrolled screaming fits as the blood

pressure cuff clamps like a great dead hand around their arm. It would be

interesting from a purely scientific perspective to know what the blood pressure

is when the child’s face goes that horrible puce colour.

 

I’m guessing at 200/150. But my spread bet is from 160/100 to 300/240.

 

And what, exactly are we to do when we find they have hypertension? Get the

jogging suit out, ensure they aren’t smoking or taking drugs. Ban Barney –

frankly that has to be a good thing, and we should do that anyway. Maybe we

should send them to boot camp. ‘Jemima, you are a worthless piece of ***t, give

me one hundred press ups, on the ground now!’

 

Or, and I’m just guessing here, we should start them on medication.

 

While we are at it, get the cholesterol checked. Because, quite frankly, you can

never start on statins too early. And anyone who says that cholesterol is

essential for the formation of neural tissue; we should arrange a short visit to

the local psychiatry department so that they can be advised that their thoughts

are contrary to the State policy of Oceania.

 

As for the three-year-old boys, I think that we should throw in a quick prostate

cancer check at the same time, because you just never know when those pesky

progenitor cells are going to pop in a little mutation.

 

The only danger is that if we leave all this until the age of three, we are

exposing children to unnecessary medical risks for the first thirty-six months

of life. Three is far too late, let’s get started the moment the umbilical cord

is cut.

 

I feel ready to burst into song at the thought of ensuring a fully healthy and

happy Brave New World of children who will never suffer illness. The song that

springs to mind is ‘Tomorrow Belongs To Me.’

 

 

 

 

 

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