Re:failure to thrive/Angel/Long Again LOL

July 22, 2003

I'm not a perfect mommy by no means...but, it was really bad for me as a child with my mom...I still wouldn't, couldn't have understood when I was little, but I think if she'd at least tried to explain (maybe she didn't realize herself, I dunno) some time later, then I would have been able to understand alot sooner than my thirties...

Angel

I'm so sorry to hear this. That must be very rough on you. I had a bad relationship with my parents when younger as well and I think that contributes a lot to having trouble adjusting to have feelings as a mother when he was first born and for emotions to be slowly in developing. My mother went through a post traumatic stress disorder from her childhood, which made her very overprotective of me as a small one. But then when I was really dependant on her at a small age, she then because verbally and emotionally abusive for the rest of childhood and teenage years. I didn't understand what that was until older - and went through a lot of trouble and some emotional development delays. Anyway, my point is lol (not trying to bore you with my life story) I think how people are raised can make it harder for them to feel towards someone too. Like some people have trouble in relationships because of abuse, I have trouble bonding I think because of the bad situation with my mom. But just a theory, one never knows.

I never put Gage off on others, and still do not. I hope I didn't give off that sort of impression when I was saying all that.

I would NEVER not be there for Gage, and always tried to be the best mother I could - because Gage deserves no less. What I meant when I was explaining all that was what I felt inside a lot of the time. As in lack of feelings, but not lack of action.

When Gage is staying with Josh is beyond the full-time stress levels as well. I took care of him until about a year ago full time by myself while his father only came home 2 hours a night. But when we seperated it went that the father also had a house (which was ours before in a way but in his name and all that). He had a career and I had to return to school to get a degree and move back home to my parents with no place to stay. He had a stable car, I had an old car that was about to give out and no current license. He was making 16 something an hour I couldnt make minimum wage without the education (which I now have gotten - yippee !!!) Gage was used to the house and would have his own room there. Plus Josh was paranoid about losing Gage to me as that happened with him before with his first child who he'll never get to see ( Very long story). So naturally it was better for Gage to stay there during the week and weekends with me lol. He has to go to daycare daily , but thankfully he loves it. So really if you add up the hours Josh sees him at night - and then the hours I see him on the weekends - we end up spending the same amount of hours with him anyway.

But overall it works out better for Gage , Josh, and me. We're all happier with this and I dont see it as wrong. Unfortunitely when parents seperate the child cannot stay with both full time. Usually the child goes with the mother but this isnt always possible. And for some reason society looks at you strange if in the case like this, the father has the child during the week. I don't see why.

But anyway, thanks for your email - I definitely appreciate it And I am glad to hear you and your mom are doing better now.

Erin

July 22, 2003

I agree with you on the past affecting the future...a child learns what they live after all, and I'm standing my ground on that one.

I didn't mean to give you the impression that I thought you were like my mom.

I was just telling it from my corner...

And, yes, as long as there are 1200 miles between us, my mom and I do just fine.

I miss my mommy, but I have had to come to the realization that I don't have one of those. We're more like sisters, and I'm afraid that's all it's gonna ever be...

I have forgiven my mom for the better of us both, but this old cast iron heart just won't forget.

Peace...

Angel

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