failure to thrive-LONG!!!

[Guest guest]

"It's also a task that is never done. Much like raising kids which

I'm none the fond of either."

 

Lauren,

 

This is a quote from your post and my first thought is that you may

be personally be suffering from ppd- postpartum depression! How are

YOU really feeling???? Do you personally need some assistance at

this time?

 

I was going to stay out of this, but as usual I can't resist lol. I hope not to step on toes here, as mothering is regarded as so sacred on here. (perhaps sacred is not the right word but you know what I mean).

 

Post-partum depression may be a cause here, I agree. But face it : Not every woman has the love of mothering as much as the next. Personally I couldn't do what many of you do with your children on this list. I am not that....well, it's honest, but I am not the most motherly person. Each person is different. When my baby was born - I DID NOT suffer from postpartum depression. However, it took over a year to feel any sort of emotion/bond with him besides that of " A cute baby I need to take care of".

 

I could feel for him the same emotions I felt for other children that weren't my own. I am a good mother, and he is a happy and well developed healthy baby, but everyone's made up different. Sorry, these are the facts. You cannot help actual feelings. You can help your personality, you can help your hormones and your diet and your health -- but some people are not "100% natural mothers". Do I feel ashamed I am not? Absolutely not. This is the way God made me, and this is the way many many people are, it is just not talked about as much. As I confess this to others, many come to me and say the same exact thing. Some people have a child, thinking they'll be the best mother out there, and then it turns out they're not and end up miserable. Someone told me their aunt did this and her children stayed with the father- who loved raising kids - when they divorced years later. She sees the children constantly but now that they are not living with her she is happier, they are, and the husband is. It is the same situation with me now. Since Josh and I seperated I get Gage on the weekends but he keeps him during the week. One of the parents keeps the child when a break up occurs; either the fther or the mother. Josh wanted to raise Gage full time more than I did, and also there were other situations involved.

 

I remember feeling extreme guilt, thinking I must be a bad mother, a bad person, selfish, etc. I remember trying to find articles that would tell you how to feel what other mothers feel, and praying that God would make me feel more towards Gage. However, it never came. Over time more connection has grown as he has gotten older, and I am not positive I feel the same connection when him that other mothers feel with their (well, almost 3 years old now).

 

He is the best child in the world and I am very proud of him, happy when he is here, want to see him more than I am able to, and we are both more attached to eachother. He was not a problem child or baby at all. But would I want to have another child? Not right now - I should not have more children in the future for medical reasons and this does sadden me as I do love Gage and see what joy there is now, but oh well. That's another story.

 

My cousin at the family reuinon a few weeks ago has an eight month old. He is adorable. People asked her when she is having another and she said she's not. She said she disliked it even though she loves her baby and is an excellent and attentive mother. She said it was too hard because she also has to work and felt like a zombie with his sleeping patterns. Again, this cannot be helped. Some people feel this way and there's nothing wrong with it. Sadly, you really can't find out mothering instinct unless you actually HAVE a child.

 

Perhaps this birth was unwanted, and she didn't want another child. If that is so, she may not enjoy raising a child - AND YOU CANNOT CHANGE THAT. You cannot wave a wand and say : Now you shall enjoy being a parent. It does NOT always happen that way in real life. She should not be to feel bad. She should not be made to feel guilty. Is she doing anything wrong, after all? NO. She is taking care of her baby the best she can, whether she is having trouble with it or not. She is being the best mother can can, a good person, but you cannot change your feelings. Sometimes they may grow, but...well, we all have our personalities and sometimes you can' t realize certain things about yourself until it is too late.

 

Again, I dont want to start a controversial subject here as this is a touchy area, but I felt it must be said. As a society everyone glamorizes motherhood and other situations; sometimes a person may not have an easy time with it or even like it. But they can never speak of because everyone else would look at them wrong. So they would never get help or understanding and the guilt or anger could destroy them.

 

Erin