Part 4 of my personal story of dealing with bipolar

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(I have posted this on a number of " conventional " bipolar/depression

forums. I want to plant a few seeds among those who dismiss

alternative treatments, so I've tried to make my approach as non-

threatening as I can. I realize that in this forum, it's preaching to

the choir, so please bear with me.)

 

A recap: Two years ago this February, fed up with poor results from

my drugs, I decided to try something else. I don't recommend anyone

trying this without serious thought, good support, and an alternate

plan in place first. You can't abandon ship without something else to

float on. I will admit, that I did this without a doc involved. I

tried to find one who would help, but I found, after visiting several

Pdocs that I knew more about the action of the different supplements

than they did. I gave them references, handouts, websites, book

titles. They gave me blank stares, and large bills. Such a bargain!

I'd been on my " new-old " diet for a month, then began going off the

Paxil. I still shudder at the memory of that experience. We are all

familiar with certain uncomfortable things...if I said " I felt

nauseous " , anyone else could identify with that, because if you live

long enough, you will also experience nausea. Or if you said you had

a sinus headache, I could say...oh yes, I know what you mean " . Paxil

withdrawal can give you sensations you have never experienced in your

life. And I've experienced some pretty interesting sensations. After

all, I was an " active " teen in the 60's.

Some people call them " brain shocks " , which is pretty descriptive. I

started having these little wonders within a few days of cutting

back. I maintained my half dose until they subsided. Then I cut the

dose again, and endured a few more days of fun. It took six full

weeks of this. The last few days, I was taking shaving dust off a

tablet and taking that, just to keep the zaps down. It was another

month before I wasn't having at least one " brain shock " every day.

They were the worst in the morning.

I had cut the Depakote dose in half, and about two weeks later, cut

that in half. I didn't notice too much difference, but that might be

because the Paxil withdrawal was so distracting. I did another week

on the low dose of Depakote, and then stopped completely.

I'd been about almost three months on the changed diet and

supplements. I did feel better. But " better " is a relative term. I

still was depressed, tired, not sleeping as good as I should. At

times I'd be anxious, and irritable. But not as bad as I had been.

This encouraged me, but I was still keeping an eye on the

whole " wishful thinking " idea. I'd been there too many times, and had

built up my hopes, only to have them crash around my ears.

I started taking additional supplements, as my understanding of what

they might do increased. I started 1gm of Tryptophan before bed. I

used a powder form, mixed with juice. My sleep got better, and my

depression lifted some.

I'm going to wander off a bit here. At this time in my life, I had a

great deal of very real things to be depressed about, so it was

really impossible to tell how well some things were working. When

your life is full of real depressing stuff, I think depression is a

pretty normal response. If you take something, and it makes you feel

yippee-skippee at your Moms funeral, it's not right, is it? I had to

separate situational depression from the clinical depression. I'd had

lots of practice identifying my clinical depression over the years,

so I was able to make some judgments about it, and would ask myself

things like " if I put all the trauma in my life aside, how am I

doing? " I think I was partially successful. I could honestly say " all

things considered, I feel better " .

My sleep really improved. I was starting to sleep a solid 6 hours

(I've always been an early riser, and have never been a person who

likes to " sleep in " ) and would wake up feeling rested.

I was feeling calmer, too. I'd been on drugs that had a similar

effect, but there was a difference. Maybe just my imagination, but it

felt different.

When manic, it felt like my brain was some complicated electrical

device, like a computer, that had been left out in the rain and had

mice chewing on the wires. It would " run " but with lots of shocks,

sparks, smoke and overheating. It felt " itchy " . I remember clutching

my head between my hands and just saying... " please stop, please stop,

please stop " . That was about the point where the booze might come in,

and make it stop for a little while, but that's a bargain with the

devil. This was not happening anymore. I was feeling like things were

being reconnected. It was, I swear, a tangible physical feeling

of " healing " . I can't think of a better word.

I was approaching my traditional spring mania. I started having

nights of poor sleep, where I'd lay awake reading for hours, then

fall asleep, and wake in 3 or 4 hours with my brain fully engaged.

No " wake up " period, just full speed, from the first moment of

consciousness.

I added the amino acid Taurine to my nightly dose of trypto. Taurine

is a " neuroinhibitory neuromodulator " that works on GABA. It has a

calming effect. My sleep improved even more.

I made it though spring with only a few manic days. And instead of

having weeks of mania, I'd have a day of it, followed by a day or two

of depression. The higher my mania, the deeper the depression. Does

anyone have any information on that little phenomena? Something is

depleted or produced in mania that brings on depression, and I wish I

knew what it was! I took extra taurine and added GABA on manic days.

Like many bipolars...I kind of enjoyed the mania, as long as it

wasn't the nervous, anxious, confused, can't talk fast enough kind.

If it were the happy, gregarious, fast wit and expansive variety, I'd

hesitate " bringing it down " . I found the taurine and GABA didn't work

that fast anyway. If I was in a good mood, it just took the jittery

edge off. I'd take some in the afternoon and a little more taurine at

bedtime, and I wouldn't be as depressed the next day, but I'd still

feel a letdown.

By six months into this experiment, my brain and nerves were

definitely not the same. I didn't startle as easy, stressful things

didn't seem to get to me the same. I was still having " breakthrough "

episodes of mania and depression, but they were short. Compared to

the way I'd been for most of my life though, the overall improvement

was better than any drugs I had ever tried. My thinking was clearer;

more focused...not the fog that I had on the Depakote. My health in

general improved, too. My busted knuckles from wrenching on cars

would heal faster, my hair and nails grew faster and stronger, and I

was losing weight. I was eating as much as I wanted, but my appetite

had changed somehow.

Another thing that happened is that the " issues " that I had seemed to

have less control of my moods. They were the same, but I was

changing. I think it makes sense that it's easier to handle stuff

when you feel physically better, are getting better rest, and are not

so " jumpy " . Just like how we have a harder time dealing with stresses

when we are tired, than we do when well rested.

I realize that this is a rather " limited study group " ...one subject,

and no control group. And the main researcher wasn't very impartial.

Not very scientific, but it's all I had to work with!

Again, thanks for the feedback, and for reading this far.

More later,

My best to you all,

Dan