Keep Friendship Alive

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http://healthy.net/scr/column.asp?PageType=Column & id=493 Keep Friendship

AliveJohn W. Travis, M.D., M.P.H. and Sara Regina Ryan

People need people. And often they don’t realize how great their need is until

some moment of great joy or deep sorrow. At some point in your life you’ve

probably experienced this yourself—wanting to share some great news with a

friend or, perhaps during hard times, needing care and support from others.

When social contact is increased or loneliness reduced, the immune system seems

to strengthen.

 

Blair Justice,

Who Gets Sick

 

Less obvious is the need for strong, positive day-to-day relationships. Just as

children need to be physically touched, stroked, and held in order to develop

normally, all people need emotional stroking for a healthy, well-balanced life.

A " stroke " is any form of stimulation or recognition that arouses feelings.

Strokes may be positive,such as smiles, hugs, and loving words, or negative,

like brush-offs, cold stares, slaps, or reprimands. Whether they are positive or

negative, " strokes " confirm that you exist and that you matter, and this

validation is essential to human survival.

It's alarming to realize that if people don’t get life-affirming strokes, they

will seek them out in death- promoting ways rather than suffer the condition of

being a nonentity. Many people use illnesses of body, mind, and spirit, both

consciously and unconsciously, to get attention, touching, stimulation, and

something to do.

One of the healthiest things you can do for yourself is to cultivate vibrant

friendships—the kind that will supply you with the genuine support everyone

needs, friendships in which you can dare to reveal your feelings, act

spontaneously, care, touch, and serve. Stimulating and supportive relationships

with other human beings are tremendous blessings—to the body, the mind, and the

spirit.

A twenty-year survey of adults in the U.S. reported that, regardless of health

problems, people who participated in formal social networks of some type

outlived those who did not. An affiliation with a social network was found to be

the strongest predictor of longevity, even above age, sex, or health. " When

people are counting on you, you have a reason to get up in the morning, " one

researcher said.

The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.

Keeping a Relationship Vibrant

Rich human relationships aren’t sustained by accident. A good marriage lasts

because it is renewed day after day after day. Healthy relationships of all

kinds will last and deepen if, like other growing things, they are watered and

fed, and even pruned on a regular basis. Making the sustenance and maintenance

of friendships a part of everyday life is an invaluable enhancement of your

wellness.

The following suggestions are from long-term friends and married partners for

simple things you can do to nourish the relationships that are important to you

and to guarantee a loving environment for yourself.

Respect the other. Do this even when you disagree over issues. Approach

your partner or a friend with the same deference that you would pay to some hero

or heroine—a great person you admire. Be kind, be kind, be kind! Honor the

differences between you, and avoid trying to control the other, even subtly, to

suit

Love is giving someone the space to be who they are and who they are not.

 

- Werner Erhard

 

your ideas of who they are or how they should be. Encourage conversation that

allows you both to share your goodness of spirit.

 

Be brand-new. Allow your friends and partners to be brand-new, too.

Recognize another human being as a profound mystery that will never be solved.

When you give up presuppositions about the way someone has " always been " you

give the other a green light to change and grow. If you remember to stay new,

you are more likely to continue the courtship—dress for dinner, bring flowers,

or listen to the other’s stories—with the same exhilaration and respect that you

had when you first met.

Give attention to small gestures. These will provide pleasure or happiness

to your friend or partner. A hot cup of tea brought to their bed in the morning,

remembering the other with a small gift or a card, a small compliment—these are

the little touches that build great friendships.

Take risks and continue to share something new. Keep growing in new ways

yourself. Taking risks may be as simple as taking a seminar or class, reading

books in areas that you generally don’t explore, or traveling. Money needn’t be

an obstacle to experimentation and surprise. Honor your own dreams and keep

moving toward them—that builds your self-esteem and invites your friends and

partners to do the same.

Retain some rituals. Celebrate holidays or anniversaries of important

occasions, or share your spiritual or religious practices with your friends and

family. Honor your traditions and your roots.

Pray for each other, as well as for others. Whatever form prayer takes in

your life—a traditional religious form or a simple positive mental

remembrance—it is a significant way to build your connections with others beyond

mere physical contact.

Put attention into honest communication. Use empathic listening. Set aside

times to periodically clear the air of any questions or resentments that may

have been building between you. Read a book together about how to improve

communications, or take a class or seminar on the subject. Give yourself

permission to say no as well as yes to your friend, and you will be doing your

friend a great favor in the long run.

Right now: Before reading any more in this book or starting another project,

take five minutes to write a two- or three-line note of appreciation or thanks

to someone you care about. Send it out in the next mail or e-mail.

 

 

Reprinted with permission, from Simply Well by John W. Travis, MD, & Regina Sara

Ryan. Copyright 2001. Ten Speed Press, Berkeley, CA. www.tenspeed.com

John W. Travis, M.D., M.P.H., acknowledged as a founder of the wellness

movement, established the first wellness center in the U.S. in 1975, and created

the Wellness Inventory (the first wellness assessment). He is co-author of the

classic Wellness Workbook (Ten Speed Press). The online version of the Wellness

Inventory may be accessed at (www.healthy.net/well) by HealthWorld members and

licensed by organizations.

 

 

 

Archived columns by John W. Travis, M.D., M.P.H. and Sara Regina Ryan

 

 

 

 

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