The Week in Surreal News

[Guest guest]

http://www.alternet.org/story.html?StoryID=15216

 

The Week in Surreal News

 

By Oscar Gonzalez, AlterNet

February 19, 2003

 

Court Gives Death Row Inmate A Second Chance ...To Die

 

 

 

The United States Court of Appeals for the Eighth Circuit issued another

startling opinion on the death sentence. Just one week after permitting a man to

be forcibly administered anti-psychotic drugs to make him sane enough to

execute, the appeals courts ruled that a state can seek to resuscitate long-dead

prisoners for the sole purpose of executing them. Lazar Russ, a death row

inmate, died in 1999 in an Arkansas prison from natural causes the night before

he was scheduled to die by lethal injection. A prison guard bemoaned, " It just

didn't seem fair for him up and die on us at the last minute. We had stocked up

on drugs and needles from Eckerds because we were running low, and some of us

even canceled our bowling night. We wanted to make sure all our work and

sacrifice wasn't for nothing. "

 

 

 

Resourceful prison guards quickly severed the head from Mr. Russ's body when he

died, packed it in ice and shipped it to the Cryogenic Center in Hope, Arkansas,

where it was stored in a vat of liquid helium. There it now awaits science to

find a way to revivify Mr. Russ. According to state officials, only the head was

preserved because a full-body freeze would have cost too much.

 

 

 

Don't Drink the Perrier, and Other Federal Mandates

 

 

 

The anti-French fervor is still building within the Bush Administration over

France's opposition to a preemptive strike on Iraq. Dennis Hastert, Speaker of

the US House of Representatives, called for an embargo on French wine. President

Bush was so furious at the French that he ordered the removal from the White

House movie theater of Looney Tunes cartoons featuring Pepe Le Pew, the amorous

and suave, albeit odiferous, skunk. Laura Bush later rescinded that order

purportedly because she relies heavily on the Looney Tunes character to get the

President " in the mood. "

 

 

 

The Department of Defense is also considering changing the pronunciation of

" Green Berets, " also known as the U.S. Army Special Forces. The new official

pronunciation of " berets " will rhyme with " parrots, " and will be keeping with

the way that the President pronounces most funny-sounding foreign words.

 

 

 

Bush Is Undeterred by Weekend Protests Against War

 

 

 

In a brief question-and-answer session at the White House, President Bush said,

" I respectfully disagree " with millions of protestors who marched against his

plan to attack Iraq and that the protests had no effect on his determination.

" Democracy is a wonderful thing, but it's never gotten in the way of what I

want. If I had let listened to the will of the people, I wouldn't be President,

now would I? If Nixon and Johnson had listened to protestors during Vietnam, we

would not have won that war. "

 

 

 

The White House issued a statement afterward clarifying that the President did

not mean that the US won the war in Vietnam, but rather that he loves the First

Lady's winning recipe for Vietnamese lemon grass chicken.

 

 

 

Dan Rather Shipped to the Front; CBS News Looking For New Anchor

 

 

 

Operating under his expanded powers, Secretary of Defense Daniel Rumsfeld

yesterday conscripted CBS News Anchor Dan Rather into the US Army. The Defense

Secretary said that Mr. Rather would undergo an intensive week of basic training

and then be shipped to the front lines in the upcoming war in Iraq. He also

denied that he was trying to stifle media opposition to a war on Iraq or that he

was retaliating for recent CBS news coverage that was critical of President

Bush. " I'm just taking Dan Rather up on his offer, " explained the Defense

Secretary.

 

 

 

Mr. Rumsfeld was referring to the tearful vow that Mr. Rather made on the David

Letterman show shortly after 9/11. Mr. Rather said, " George Bush is the

President. He makes the decisions and...wherever he wants to me line up, just

tell me where. " Mr. Rumsfeld explained, " The President wants him to line up 200

yards ahead of our first infantry units. "

 

 

 

Federal Courts to Come Under the Department of Homeland Security

 

 

 

President Bush today announced that he is reassigning the federal judiciary,

including the US Supreme Court, under the jurisdiction of the Department of

Homeland Security. The President claimed that the Homeland Security Act of 2002

and the US Patriot Act gives him the authority to freely transfer federal

functions as he sees fit and to make the federal government more efficient and

responsive to the War on Terrorism.

 

 

 

Tom Ridge, the Secretary of Homeland Security, tried to counter objections that

the restructuring might violate the separation of powers under the US

Constitution. Secretary Ridge observed, " Checks and balances are not being

eliminated. We'll still be checking with the judiciary to make sure our

policies, on balance, are legal and fair. We ran the idea past Scalia and he

doesn't see a problem. I don't see how the Democrats can whine about it. "

 

 

 

Oscar Gonzalez is a lawyer and writer of satire who lives in Dallas, Texas.

 

 

Gettingwell- / Vitamins, Herbs, Aminos, etc.

 

To , e-mail to: Gettingwell-

Or, go to our group site: Gettingwell

 

 

 

 

Tax Center - forms, calculators, tips, and more