José Izquierdo's Story

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http://www.benzo.org.uk/

 

José Izquierdo's Story

 

" Poisoned and brain damaged by

drug companies and doctors "

 

My name is José Izquierdo and I am 24 years old from Toronto, Canada. I have

suffered tremendously over this past year and more. What has become of my life

is just devastating to my family, friends, and myself. I have been off

benzodiazepines for almost 15 months now and my condition and state have barely

improved.

 

Here is my story. My doctor prescribed me the benzos after I suffered severe

anxiety after coming off some recreational drugs. I had been using them on and

off for four years and decided to stop as it was draining me mentally,

emotionally and physically. All I wanted was a chemical free life. He placed me

on Ativan in January of 2000. A few weeks later I began to feel better. The

depression and anxiety from the drug withdrawals had lifted and it was time to

get on with life again without these recreational drugs.

 

My doctor told me to continue with the Ativan and he also added Paxil. A few

months later I noticed that something was not right again. I didn't feel like I

was " living " but merely existing. I could not enjoy the things I used to. I lost

interest in a lot of my friends, socializing, school activities, going to clubs,

meeting women. These were the things I once loved. What was happening to me? I

felt emotionally numb, I was living in a fog. Soon the anxiety and depression

began to return and I began to have panic attacks and various fears had set in.

I started to do some research on the meds I was taking and concluded these meds

were causing these feelings and changes in my personality. I had to get off;

they were blocking my ability to feel emotions properly and were causing me more

pain.

 

I came off the Paxil in about 2 weeks and suffered a horrible reaction. Flu like

symptoms, electric shocks throughout my body, rage, severe mood swings,

depression, anxiety, and fatigue. This lasted about a month and I was so

grateful when it ended. Now it was time to get off the benzos. I figured if I

could get through the Paxil hell then the benzos would be a piece of cake.

Wrong.

 

I cut my Ativan dose in half. The next day I felt horrible. My skin began to

burn, I felt disconnected from myself, my mind began to race, I became severely

restless and irritable, my muscles ached, nausea set in, I felt like I had a

terrible flu.

 

Over the next month these symptoms continued and as I reduced the Ativan even

more I just kept on getting sicker and sicker. It was getting impossible. I was

barely functioning at all. The insomnia was so bad I was actually up for three

days at one point and my agoraphobia was terrible. I was scared to see my own

friends. I eventually saw a Psychiatrist and he placed me on a Valium

substitution. I felt some relief immediately as soon as I took the Valium. I was

to taper off the Valium now. The next few weeks I felt somewhat more human

again. I was able to go back to work and started to function much better. The

Valium taper seemed to go a lot smoother than the Ativan. This gave me so much

hope. I thought to myself that this must be the way out, and in a couple months,

I would be normal again. I was very optimistic and even planned my upcoming

school year, as well as a vacation with my friends to celebrate my recovery.

 

I tapered down to 6mg from 15mg in about a month and a half and then it hit

me... It hit me harder than ever before. I woke up one morning severely anxious,

paranoid, and I was shaking violently. I truly believed I was going to have a

seizure. I literally felt like I had been run over by a truck. I had enough. I

wanted off now. I checked myself into detox. The doctor had convinced me that if

I went off the 6mg cold turkey, it would be a few weeks of hell and then it

would all be over. He told me the reason I was suffering so much was because I

was tapering so slowly. This was only prolonging my agony according to this so

called addiction specialist. He placed me on a Phenobarbital substitution for

five days and took me off the Valium. That day I went on a trip that I have not

yet returned from. I truly believed that as I was feeling so bad there was no

possible way I could feel even worse. Nothing can or could have prepared me for

what was to follow. I spent the first five days in detox and then I was on my

own.

 

The first few months following the detox were almost indescribable. I was

incapacitated when I left the detox center. I couldn't talk, could barely walk,

and was in so much physical and mental discomfort I thought I was going to die.

I didn't think it was humanly possible to endure so much pain. These are some of

the symptoms I have endured during the intervening months and up to today:

 

Severe anxiety, throat would close up, feelings of suffocating, nausea,

vomiting, severe depression, dysphoria, violent thoughts and images (one day I

had actually thought that I had killed somebody and was begging my family to

take me to emergency), nightmares, insomnia, tremors, severe joint and muscle

pain, fevers, headaches, heart palpitations, burning skin, hallucinations (saw

people in my room who were not there), objects and faces distorting, objects

constantly appear to be breathing or moving, mass confusion, unable to follow or

hold conversations, blurred and double vision, derealization, depersonalization,

suicidal thoughts and urges, agoraphobia, memory loss, loss of cognitive skills

(simple tasks like washing dishes seemed almost impossible), severe fatigue,

paresthesia, tunnel vision, severe paranoia, unable to walk properly, feelings

of bugs crawling on my skin, violent muscle and nerve pain, feeling like my mind

is being squished, thoughts screaming at me, violent tremors, severe

restlessness, feelings of rage and anger and the list continues.

 

Today is almost 15 months off all benzodiazepines. Some of the symptoms have

left and new ones have appeared. I am still an emotional, mental and physical

wreck. The derealization and depersonalization are so severe I still cannot even

recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I cannot even remember the person I

was or what normality feels like. I am constantly in a thick fog. When I walk

into a room I don't know where I am. Voices turn to distant echoes, I have no

awareness of my surroundings. I am a prisoner in my home. I have no energy to do

anything. I have cried for months begging for this nightmare to end. I am

constantly terrified of everything and anything. I have not left my house in

over a year except to go the doctors and acupuncturist. I am constantly in so

much mental and physical pain and discomfort. I have spent many months

contemplating suicide, terrified, in tears, lying in my bed moaning in pain

begging the Lord for mercy. I have lost my cognitive ability to function like a

normal human being. I feel as if I have been stripped of my soul. I feel like a

puzzle that needs to be put together. I have been mentally and emotionally

raped. It has been a living hell.

 

I cannot work and had to drop out of school because of this. My life has been

shattered. I have been poisoned and brain damaged by the drug companies and my

doctors. Who am I supposed to trust now? I have seen and spoken to over 30

doctors and professionals and no one has any answers. I spend most of my days

seeking support from my family, friends and others who have endured this

terrible ordeal. I am frightened and exhausted by all this trauma.

 

I know I have a long way to go for a complete recovery, that's if I ever do

fully recover. I would not wish this even on my worst enemy. It truly feels like

it would take an absolute miracle to return to a balanced human state again. I

am very disappointed with the medical community. No doctors seem to be

interested in my suffering and offer little guidance, yet it is those same

doctors who continually prescribe these drugs and are advised to do so by the

drug companies. Something has to be done. I am however determined to live again.

My life patiently waits for me on the other side. Each day, every hour has been

a struggle for me as my family and friends wait for my return.

 

Sincerely,

José Izquierdo

November 14, 2001

 

 

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