Guest guest Posted April 17, 2002 Report Share Posted April 17, 2002 Laughter is the best medicine!!! In a message dated 4/17/02 5:46:42 AM, ameehling writes: << If you know the Bible-even a little-you'll find this > hilarious! It comes from a Catholic elementary > school. Kids were asked questions about the Old > and New Testaments. The following statements about > the bible were written by children. They have not > been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling > has been left in). > > 1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God > got tired of creating the world, so he took the > Sabbath off > --------- > 2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. > Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an > ark, which the animals come on to in pears. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a > ball of fire by night. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout > history they had trouble with the unsympathetic > Genitals. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led > astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of > the Apostles. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they > made unleavened bread which is bread without any > ingredients. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. > Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the > ten ammendments. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 9. The first commandment was when Eve told adam to > eat the apple. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit > adultery. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then > Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when > Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the > liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of > people who lived in Biblical times. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and > 700 porcupines. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of > Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 16. When the three wise guys from the east side > arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate > contraption. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says > to do one to others before they do one to you. He > also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead > and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 21. The people who followed the lord were called the > 12 decibels. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was > also a taximan. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached > holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > 25. Christians have only one spouse. This is > called monotony. >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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