This story made my day

[Guest guest]

 

 

 

This is so funny.

Diane

> > Lizard Birthing Story

> > If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone

> through the petsyndrome

> including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the

> story below will have

> you laughing out LOUD!

> > Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the

> vet.Here's what happened:

> > Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me

> there was "something wrong" with one of the two

> lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

> > He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm

> serious, Dad. Can you help?"

> > I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and

> followed him into his

> bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on

> his back, looking

> stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

> > "Honey," I called, "come look at; "The lizard!Oh

> my gosh," my wife

> diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

> > "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and

> Ernie, Mom!"

> > I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I

> thought we said we didn't

> want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

> > "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their

> cage?" she inquired.

> (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

> > "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I

> reminded her, in my most

> loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth

> together).

> > Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

> > "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,

> you know," she informed me.

> (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

> > By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what

> was going on.

> > I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids,

> this is going to be a wondrous experience," I

> announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of

> birth."

> > "OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

> > "Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do

> with a litter of tiny

> little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

> (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. > don't you?)

> > We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what

> looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,

> vanishing a scant second later.

> > "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

> > "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

> > "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

> > "Okay, okay. " Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed

> the foot when it next

> appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I

> tried several more times with the same results.

> > "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to

> know. "Maybe they could

> talk us through the trauma."

> (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

> > "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

> > We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in

> his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

> > "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to

> him.

> (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what

> she does to me is one

> >thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

> > The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and

> peered at the little animal through a magnifying

> glass.

> > "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested

> scientifically.

> > "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.

> Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

> > I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

> > "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

> > "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is

> not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to

> happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young

> male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,

> like most male species, they masturbate. Just the way

> he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at

> my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.

> Cameron."

> > We were silent, absorbing this.

> > "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered.

> > "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we

> understood.

> > More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to

> giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

> > "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not

> believing that the woman

> I married would commit the upcoming affront to my

> flawless manliness.

> > Tears were now running down her face.

> > "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on

> its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air

> to bellow in laughter once more.

> > "That's enough," I warned.

> > >We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the

> lizards and our son > back into the car. He was glad everything was going to

> be okay.

> > "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done,

> Dad," he told me.

> > "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing

> with laughter.

> > 2 - lizards - $140...

> 1 - Cage - $50...

> Trip to the Vet - $30...

> Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker .... Priceless !

>