Forgiveness: 14 Steps

[Guest guest]

I found the following at

http://www.lexpages.com/SGN/paschal/forgiveness.html and thought you might

find it interesting.

 

- Anna

 

 

 

FORGIVENESS: 14 STEPS

© Paschal Baute 1993

 

 

 

Accept that the present situation is not a happy one for you, and that if

there is to be any change, you alone must make it first. Further, that you

have no direct control over the other's thinking, feeling or behavior.

Recognize that there are great differences in perceptions, that we are blind

to how we impact others, and that we all tend to idealize ourselves.

Remember that you are an imperfect human being: blind to yourself & not

knowing it. You are probably more self-centered than you can ever see

yourself. We all are. You had some part in whatever happened. Your halo was

probably off-kilter some way. The easiest thing in the world is to blame.

Some expression of your anger or hurt to someone may be either useful or

necessary for the process to get started well. The listener does not need to

be the offending person but should be one who can truly empathize yet be

objective, not just agree with you, but also challenge you to reframe it!

Realize that forgiveness is for YOUR sake, that holding on to resentments is

more hurtful to you than anyone else. It keeps you from living fully in the

present--the only moment in which we can live peacefully and free of the

past negatives.

Understand that holding a grudge can give you a secret power and sense of

superiority over others. Dwelling or sucking on hurt or pain can make one

feel quite " special. " Many persons actually prefer holding on to resentments

because of the hidden " fringe benefits " or payoffs. Examine what your

possible pay-offs may be: the victim or martyr role offers diverse benefits.

List some!

Examine whether the good points of the other person outweigh their faults

even though you feel you were treated badly. Reflect upon this: " Will you

feel better or become a better person by trying to improve the relationship? "

Comprehend that forgiving is NOT forgetting or condoning. " Because I can't

forget I can't forgive " is an alibi & not true, that forgiving is simply a

decision not to dwell or suck on the hurt. It is a decision that may need to

be made repeatedly, for as often as necessary, " seventy times

seven " ... " Forgive us as we forgive... "

Be aware that forgiveness is, believe it or not, 100% your responsibility,

and that you DO NOT really need the other person to admit that they were

wrong. Waiting until they admit wrong keeps YOU stuck in the past. Many

crucify themselves between two thieves of regret (or resentment) and guilt,

then believe that others or the " world " has done it to them.

Be willing to learn whatever is helpful or necessary to leave the past to

the past. There are some psychological techniques...Be willing to discover

what your own hidden compulsion is. Address your own interpersonal impact,

with some serious self-study.

For the person of some Christian belief, deep, profound hurts from a close

family member may take regular, sustained prayer even for a long period of

time, in order to forgive. Our wounded ego or hurt pride may not yield

except through divine grace, and bringing my will into God's loving

kindness. Some hurts are so deep that they require patient prayer and time

to heal.

For the Buddhist, the remedy is the regular practice of meditation,

mindfulness, letting go of attachments, the discerning that suffering is an

inevitable part of human life, and the attainment of compassion for all

creatures. Attachment to one's own views is seen as the source of all pain.

If you have the courage, seeking feedback from the other person can be an

occasion for considerable increase in self-awareness, some insight and

possible reconciliation. Begin by saying: " I'm sorry for my part... "

Regardless of whether the other person responds or changes, the final step

is to keep on willing love and goodness to them, wishing the best for them.

 

 

 

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